Written after a particularly bad week of Death, almost Dying and Games from the Living who forget that people are not pieces on a board. Or maybe they just never learned to begin with.

Sad, I am @ the height of my creativity when I feel utterly alone and empty.


Escape, escape. What a fool I am.
Thinking the stresses could be forgotten
With a few hours of fun.
Worse so as the ones that matters most
Take precedence in my effort to forget.

Does he know, does he understand?
The kind of pressure I'm under
Does he know, does he understand?
How much I love him, how much I've given
Does he comprehend my fear...can he??

I'm embarrassing, I'm disgusting, I'm vile
Words spoken when I've let something else
Erode my walls.
I did not choose to be thus. But know
No other way to be.

Trust no other way to be.
I'm trying to be strong
I'm trying to make things easy
So the burden is lifted
Should our paths separate

I have only wanted
What was in your best interest

Perspective...and Putting Things There In

OK, so I'm lucky to be alive!! (Crowd goes wild) My mother mentally occupied by something else mistakes a green light for an advanced green and turns left.....into oncoming traffic! Screeching of brakes ensues, horn blares. Mums repeating I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Meanwhile I am looking at the bumper of the other car. Which is less than a foot away from my door. Heart pounding a mile a minute, I'm mentally thanking the powers that be that the other car wasn't going faster. All of this on the way home from a Memorial Service.
Needless to say I'm going to be changing my shorts when I get home. I do try to persuade mum to let me drive but she refuses saying that has never happened to her before and that she's fine. I'm not going to distract her further by arguing but do make a mental note to drive from now on.
So we make it home, safe and sound but my mind is still racing. Unlike my heart which had settled into a dull thudding pattern. About a good million, million and one thoughts just popping up questioning why haven't I done this or done that. Now I am stuck with the holy crap what a freakin' mess everything would have been.
I am imagining just how much fun things would be. My ex not only getting custody of my kids but inheriting everything too. Oh HELL NO!!!!! So of course I called the lawyers and arranged for an appointment to change my will.
But there were other things in my life that feel up in the air that are just as important to me. I want to be happy, but don't we all?? I've wanted to go to Wales, the birth place of my great grandparents and see Cardiff Castle where they met. And to Pontypridd, also Wales, where my grandfather was born. the story goes that after emigrating to Canada, my great grandfather managed to gamble the house away forcing him to take himself and his family back to Wales. My grandmother missed Hamilton (Ontario) sooo much that after he was born, she gave my grandfather the middle name of Hamilton. Just one of the things I've wanted to do but didn't think would ever really happen. But now seem like it would be something I would regret later in life. So I am resolving to begin working on this and other goals.
One of the interesting things I found today was that whole "life flashes before your eyes" didn't happen. Everything seemed to happen so fast that if was more like "Oh you gotta be effin' kidding me!"

Cheers!

Equisite gratings
like swords clashing
At cross purposes

Lightning fast slashes
Sparks cascade everywhere
Creating new ripples of torment

Obsessive desire for respite
Oh sweet nothings
Sweet endless abyss

A temporary reprieve
From the ravages withing -
A break from pain

Like the sun follows the moon
So too my cycles abounds
The never ending constant of my life

Ideas & Thoughts I'm Throwing Out There

When I was in highschool I had a tape, yes a tape, with two songs recorded over and over again. This was my "make out" tape. I think I can count on one hand minus a couple of fingers how many guys it got used with, lol. Then again technology wasn't as advanced as it is today. Going online was a long, loud, tedious process with no guarantee's of not being booted off or overloading the damn computer.
Going over a friends playlists reminded me of my "make out" tape. He has files of music labelled to suit his mood. My fav label so far is "Pissed Off", although "Chillin" is good too. So it got me to thinking of some of the music lists I have. And I realised I didn't have a "make out" list. That seemed just wrong. So I have been putting some thought into and here is what I have come up with.

Terminal Frost - Pink Floyd
Cry Little Sister - Sister's of Mercy
Black Velvet - Alanna Myles
Don't Jump - Tokio Hotel
Creep - Radiohead
Love Bites - Def Leppard
Closer - Nine Inch Nails
#1 Crush - Garbage
Dirrty - Christina Aguilara
All or Nothing - Theory of a Deadman
Uprising - Muse
Wicked Games - Chris Isaac
Russian Roulette - Rihanna
Take My Breath Away - Berlin
Smack That - Akon ft Eminem
Suck My Kiss - RHCP
Figured You Out - Nickelback
Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad - Def Leppard
Heartshaped Box - Nirvana
I Dare You - Shinedown
Touch Me - Samantha Fox
If You Seek Amy - Britney Spears
Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones
Cashmere - Led Zepplin
Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
Animals - Nickelback

This is just a start. I like some for the beat and some for the lyrics. I'm sure there are many I have missed and will have to come back and update from time to time ;)

Bad Guy Yet Again

Oh what to do
What to do
The ex is pissed with me (again)
What else is new

I filled out the papers
Mailed then in...twice
Government takes their sweet time
So everything was all nice

Now I'M playing games
His requirements were all met
Shock in the mail
He starts making threats

Won't hear, won't listen
I did nothing wrong
Just filled out the papers
But it's the same old song

He lost everything
Walked away with a "Shit Small" buyout
The victimized matyr
From the hilltops he will shout

Scream all you want
Make threats to cover the fear
Between you and the Government
Despite what everyone else will hear

Call your lawyer
Outraged with all that sass
When all is said and done
You're going to look like an ASS

Letting Go

I've reconnected with an old flame. Someone I've known for almost 18 years. We met again as friends. Evolved into lovers and now see a future together. Things are falling into place effortlessly. It scares me. It is too easy. This will be our third time together. Third time's the charm I keep hearing, but I don't trust my feelings so much anymore.

I fell for someone, really fell. But as he would say "if it's meant to be it will be", followed by a "I just don't see it". At first I thought that if I gave it just a little more time, he would realise he could be wrong. After all I am thick headed and stubborn. And truly believed how I felt was how things were meant for us. Instead of listening with my ears, I only heard what my heart wished to. It is probably a good thing he liked my "Grab Life by the Balls" mentality, otherwise I would wonder how or why he put up with me. Can't count the number of times I said "Can't blame me for trying." I was crushed when he confirmed he was interested in someone else. How I managed to put make up on thru tears and do my show after is a mystery to me. I cried more over him than I have any man in my entire life. But in retrospect he gave me something back that I'd lost somewhere. The ability to show emotion. To feel, really feel things again. For this and LOTS of other things he will always hold a special place in my heart.

We don't see each other so much anymore, and I confess....I do miss the friend he once was to me. The bantering back and forth. But as I embark on new journeys in life, he too is experiencing new and (hopefully) exciting things. I wish him only the best and hope he finds what he's looking for.

As for me, I'm trying to look for the positive things yet to come. And let go of the negative bs from the past. Still scares me how easily life clicks lately, but maybe it doesn't always have to be so hard and complicated. Maybe sometimes, under the right circumstances...life just becomes.

Rantings of One Pissed Of Dame

I just doubled up on my usual dose of "calm down" pills. This town just astounds me. By how fast things get distorted and then get around. You can't be friends with anyone, of the opposite sex without fucking them. I guess the very idea must be too confounding. Although it explains how I've been doing my Boss for the last year and a bit. The guy I was interested in....just a smoke screen. Heads up Dumb Asses, my friend has a girlfriend, for almost 2 years now and the Boss has been happily married for about 8 years. Do I have SLUT written across my forehead?? Perhaps EASY, inquire within. Or is my character so lacking that's just the kind of girl I am.

Now that I had calmed down about earlier bullshit, I managed to do a good thing. One of the singers is going through a divorce. I gave them the Ontario Court Forms website to download the necessary forms to submit to the courthouse, free of charge. The only costs are the court filing fee's Best of all, once you filed the first set it only takes about 6 weeks to have Final Divorce Papers. I guess I really made their night, they kept thanking me profusely. It felt really good to help someone going through something I'd recently done myself.

The other good part of the night was that I was invited to audition for a band looking for a female singer. I was really stoked about that, feeling pretty good about the night then my sister shat all over it.

Did I mention that she came out tonight?? Probably not, I really wish she hadn't. A friend came out to give me a ride home, and her first question was "Are you fucking her?" Meaning me. I haven't seen her in over a month, and she hasn't seen this friend in years and this is what comes out of her mouth. Her behaviour was erratic to say the least. She was very hyper, almost bouncing off the walls. I turned and saw her and the first thing out of her mouth was "You're losing weight....and fast" Now most people would take this as a compliment except the tone that was used was anything but complimentary. For the record I wore a pair of blue jeans and a black V neck top. Form fitting of course, but rather tame in comparison to what I usually wear on a Saturday night.

Now when it was her turn to sing I had to do something I usually don't with her....turn her mic volume down. This was just the beginning of the evening. She started getting on peoples nerves, going on about things such as she is going to be a fashion designer. It was about this point I asked a mutual friend who came with her WTF?? Turns out she decided she didn't need her meds anymore and stopped taking them about 2 weeks ago. The medication she was on is proscribed for bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. All I could think about was the 2 kids that are back at home with her. And my mum telling me that her son was more afraid of what his mother was going to do than being suspended for 2 days. Great, now I have to do the right thing again....and be the bad guy too. That was bothering me, until....

She gets right up in my face wanting to know if I knew all about the company I agree to model for a pin up calender. (By right up in my face I mean less than 4 inches away). I said yes....and she starts going on, screaming in my face about naked photos and did I know WHO my family was and I'd better have no part of it. Well I don't do so well with or else threats. I stepped back and said "Or what?" She started up screeching again. I said I had to work and tried to go around her. She stepped sideways to block me. After the third try, I had to lock my hands behind my back as I was about to physically shove her out of my way. Looking her straight in the eye I said "You need to go." She kept at it, then stopped and said I was right she needed to go, turned and walked away. She stops turns to look at me and says "If I find any naked #*#* pictures, I'll take you out myself." It's not every day I receive death threats, let alone from blood. She stomps out the bar and, as usual, I'm left to explain what That was all about. The bar staff was unsure of what to do, she was my sister. Interesting note, we all felt bad for #17 who had to go home with her. Even he said he should walk. I concurred stating he was gonna get an earful on the way, Good Luck!!

It's about 4am, I am enjoying a big mac at a friends place and my phone rings. It's my mother. My sister actually called her at 3am in the morning to rant and rave about what she thought was going on. I agreed to model for a 50's style Pin Up calender, and possible modelling for car shows etc. My sister has it in her head that I'm going up to Toronto, something will get slipped into my drink and Voila! I'm the next Porn Queen of Canada. The people I will be modelling for were explaining about what I would be doing and so forth. From what I heard afterwards, she kept saying "no she can't do that, no she won't do that" words to this effect. Well I guess someone said something to her cuz that's when she came storming over and started in on me.

I am going through a myriad of emotions right now. Starting with "Who the hell does she think she is acting like that where I work?" Does she realise had anyone else pulled that crap they would have been out the door? She could have cost me my job. No one wants a host that brings that type of person out. Frustrated to the point of tears, to the uninformed it looked like she's yelling in my face and I'm not doing anything other that saying "I'm working here & You need to go" I refuse to get in to an form of conflict inside a bar. I was also having an eerie case of deja vu. Humiliated that she is my sister. That she felt she had every right to treat me that way. And finally ashamed, I could actually see my hands striking out and knocking her down. Knowing she has a shunt running from her brain down through her neck to her stomach. Landing the wrong way could very well kill her. For a moment I didn't care, all I could think about was getting her the Hell out of my way and out of the bar.

Great person I am. I have been relaxing and letting life come to me. Apparently life misses me "Grabbing it by the Balls", so it's lobbing a few my way to see if I'll catch em.