Missing More Than Chatting

Free spirit given to whimsy. No mantles to pinion you down. Living in the moment

One of the things, I found so very crazy sexy about you

I hated that I felt so drawn to you. Especially at such a difficult time in my life. I should have buried that part of me, but then I had buried so many other things, there was no more room.

I worried that you were a transference. Method of escapism, punishment from God or even an addiction. Maybe my mind was going on vacation and you were the destination.

Talking with you helped me rediscover aspects of myself long dormant. Encouraged and applauding my efforts. I felt appreciated. Being around you made me laugh and had me climbing the walls.

Somewhere things got mixed up, turned upside down. Definitely NOT fun for either of us.

You felt your wings being clipped. I just wanted to understand. Things went so surreally wrong.

I did what I thought best. As much as I wanted you to want me, I let you go - set you free. Believing that's what you were trying to tell me, what you truly wanted.

I've been out of the game for far too long. The rules have changed, and I've little patience for bullshit. I know I made mistakes. I pushed too hard instead of leaving things be.

Try not to write me off completely. Nobody's perfect, least of all me! I know I may drive you crazy, but it's a good crazy for the most part. The kind that keeps you on your toes.

Besides, I'm always up for a little fun ;-)

More Ranting, with a Male Bashing Slant

Do all guys suck ass?? Or is it just the one's I allow into my life? Probably the latter. There seem to be lots of jerks out there disguised as nice guys. I had one guy lick my elbow tonight. Ewwww! Of course it had to be at working during one of my songs. So, I had to be professional, finish the song and act like it didn't bother me. All I wanted to do was smack his drunk ass down. The really sucky thing was that if those guys hadn't been drinking like they were I would have been shut down. I wonder if that would qualify for hazard pay?? Oh I have met some genuinely decent guys, but they are taken, gay or otherwise unavailable. The ones that aren't don't seem to spark my interest.

The phone was off the hook, more accurately on. And did I know that it was on?? Like I did that on purpose. I have nothing better to do thatn plot ways to make his life more difficult. But it never did occur to him that I'm trying to get him the fuck out of my life. Shit taking too long with the brokers etc, so now he's getting antsy. It has nothing to do with the fact that he dithered getting his stuff together for the lawyer so I had to re-apply for everything, then finagle the trust company into turning a blind eye to the judgement on the house. Nope not his fault at all. But he's sick of me and my mum living there for free. I said pardon?? I pay bills, and I actually buy groceries for my children not whatever the hell that was that he bought from Price Choppers didn't even last the week. Far be it for him to listen to me argue back, waves his hand dismissively and growls "Just hurry up and get it done already" Why the sudden interest in the money?? As someone pointed out, he knows he has money coming to him so he's drinking like a fish. When I first met him he seemed the stable , reliable type. Hell he was my best friends brother. How could I go wrong there?? He just liked his beer. He liked me, loved my kid and didn't have an issue with my headaches. Christ, he was my knight in tarnished armour.

Before him it was my oldest's dad. Being my smartass self I grabbed the phone from a friend who was talking to a guy that we'd heard about but never met, and started talking to him. Then my dad died. I had only been talking to him for about 2 months. Before that I hadn't spoken to him for about 4 years since he told me I was no longer welcome in his home. I was blamed for my mother having info that I didn't give her. Mum knew a lot of people, grapevine actually does work. But no I had to have been telling tales. I was fuckin' 14 yrs old. And I had to deal with that shit. From my own father. But I digress.

After my father died I, looking for stability, jumped into a relationship with a man whose parents came from Hungary. I thought them being European, they would be family orientated. I didn't count on my ex's major interest in porn. At first it was sorta fun and dirty. Then it became a factor in everyday life. It didn't matter that it was making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Especially after having a baby and my body scarred by the pregnancy. I thought that him being older the maturity would be there. I was wrong. And now there was a baby that he couldn't figure out why he had to feed or change. Cuz she's your daughter dumbass!! He still wanted to be a kid and play house. By the time I reliased how very wrong I was in previous assumptions, I was married, and had a child. I tried to stick it out. It didn't last long. With almost tragic results. You know there have been times where I wonder what may have happened if I hadn't walked into the kitchen to find him very calmly taking all of my medication. After we split and live in separate houses, everytime I didn't do what he wanted, he'd threaten to kill himself. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't times I was tempted to tell him to go ahead, put yourself out of my misery.

I must be a world class fucking idiot. For some dumbass reason, I still harbour hope that I'm not done yet. That someone out there will accept/love me for me, warts and all. Preferrably not broken. Even as I type this there is a part of me laughing it ass off, saying it's not likely. I wonder how long I will keep this alive inside me before I conceed that there is always something I do or say wrong, that fucks things up. That this really is it. Forever is a nice fantasy and more suited to fairytales. The sad thing is I'm sort of looking forward to it. Then I won't give a shit, if someone can't handle me. I'll be able to say Fuck em' all and really mean it.

Missing You

Another one from back in the stone age!

I miss your face
I miss your style
You've been gone for a little while
You kept the pace
Went that extra mile
But most of all I miss your smile


I....miss....you
Nothing I can do
I just keep on missing you
Hey!
You're so far away
I just keep on...
Missing you

I know it's dead and gone
Sad but true
I was me and you were you
I should be moving on
But I'm still so blue
And it's so hard, releasing you

I....miss....you
Nothing I can do
I just keep on missing you
Hey!
You're so far away
I just keep on
Missing you

TD Strikes Again!!

Some people need to get a clue.

Wouldn't it be great if we could create a device that records every single action we take in our lives?? How our actions affect other lives as well. Something that just recorded how things took place. No bias, or favourtism. Just things in raw form.

Maybe then people would begin to see the destructive patterns in their own lives. And understand why people act or treat them the way they do. Perhaps people could come together and view things from the other persons point of view. Hopefully to gain some insight to the minds and feelings of every day average Joe. Learn compassion and empathy. Do things for others and not just looking out for number one.

Certain people need to reliase that their actions, especially repeated over a long period of time change how people perceive them. They lose the right to previlages formerly ascribed to them. And the sad thing is that they are incapable of seeing how they're own behavior has earned them such ire.

Teach Me to Cry

The day is done
Oh those tears why don't you come
I'm dry inside and out
All I do is scream and shout

I didn't think I didn't know
This is how you'd end the show
All those stories, all the lies
Now I wish that I could cry

Teach me to cry....
Sometimes I feel I just want to die
Teach me to cry....
Can someone out there help me to learn to cry
Whoa, oh, oh, teach me to cry

My eyes they burn
I wonder what it is they've got to gain
How I yearn
For someway to just unleash the pain

I wish I knew
Some magic words that I could say to you
There's been so few
Of the words that were - oh so true

Teach me to cry...
Sometimes I feel I just want to die
Teach me to cry...
Can someone out there help me to learn to cry
Whoa, oh, oh teach me to cry

You

You, opened my heart and eyes
You helped me touch the sky
You made me feel so good about me

You took me by my hand
And lead me like you can
You made me feel so free (like I should be)

So Now-
Where are we going now
I've got to know some-how
Where this life is taking us

You've, seen the good and bad
You've had all the things to have
You just see things...differently
I just wish you could see the things I see

Boo!!

Boo! Do I scare you (scare you)
Ooh! Gonna tear you (tear you)
In two- ooh woo ooh, in two- yeah-ah

When I come, to you at night
You're always putting up such a fight
Trying to figure out your head
Tell me, tell me- was it something I sa-id

Boo! Do I scare you (scare you)
Ooh! Wanna tear you (tear you)
In two- ooh woo ooh, in two- yeah-ah

Before you were my dream coming true
Now you're leavin me feeling so blue
Can't understand - why it's this way
Tell me, tell me- what can I say-ay

Boo! Do - I - Scare - You
Wan - na - Tear - You
In Two!!