More Bitching While I Wait for the Drugs to Kick In

I feel old. Older than Methuselah. And very worn out and tired.

Tired of peoples self serving, drama generating, crap. Sick of hearing the excuses people tell themselves, and me, about why they act the way they do. Most actions are decided from purely personal choices with little regard to how it may affect others around them. People fail to realise that their life is exactly as they want it. Otherwise they would take steps to do something about what they didn't like.

This isn't anything new, in fact it's starting to get really old. One day you have a civil conversation, and things are good and the next you receive threats, are accused of lying and jerking a person around. The value of your word is belittled. Snide comments made.

Two faceness is a special irritation for me. People who are nice to your face, act like they give a damn about you, when you know they really don't. Only to trash you later, when it suits their purposes.

But I reserve the True Jackass Award for those who are completely clueless, Oblivious that their very own actions have caused the upset they deal with. Clueless to the fact that there is more to life that what is in front of them at the moment. Incapable of realising that anything in life worth something usually means time, effort and hard work. That it calls for something most people fear greatly...change. Change from the comfortable life they have built for themselves. Altering perceptions of how they see things. Most people are very content to piss and moan, blaming others or situations for their lot in life instead of actively doing something about it. Example : GST. Sadly not many have the guts to go after what they truly want out of life.

One of the main deciding points in ending an almost 10 year "perfect" marriage was the offer to then refusal, to seek counselling. The offer was only out there until I accepted it. Getting an unbiased third party opinion would have yielded ugly truths that someone was not willing to hear. It also would have probably required change for both of us. When I agreed to counselling, it became "I think we can figure things out for ourselves" My point?? Enough was enough, this time it wasn't going to be another fight that would end in short lived, broken promises to do better. If I didn't do something then this was my life. There would be nobody to blame for my stress, frustration and misery but myself. Once I identified the true source of my unhappiness, it was shit or get off the pot. I had to take responsibility for my own actions and life. Too often do I hear people complaining, but little action to resolve the problem. Ironically, I may have had the nutz to make the final decision, but the lack of fight put up afterwards, was very telling. Along with the new flame approximately 2 months later.

So after 2 marriages, 1 divorce with another pending, when the finances are there. Where do I go from here?? My heart, in all it's wisdom, decided to go ahead and fall for someone. Regardless of how utterly horrible the timing was, among other issues. As we all know love and logic rarely mix, but my heart is starting to hear what my head has been saying. Surprisingly it's not telling what and ass I've been making out of myself. It's saying the pain I feel will diminish. The desire and yearning will follow suit. Life will go on, even on the days I really don't want it to. Time to focus on other things in my life, like having 3 beautiful girls and school's out for summer. I have a job I love. I meet new people almost every time I go to work. I'm funny, smart, pretty and young enough to still find someone who'll want me...regardless of what's going on in my life. Most importantly, there is time, lot's of it.

I have days where I feel like it's too late. That my life is thus: a single mother with 3 children whose mother lives in the granny suite. On those days the I think happily ever after is nothing more than a crock of shite. Then I have better days where I wonder what it would be like to have a son. Even thought they do grow up I miss having a baby around the house. I like babies. I'm curious if the house with the, not rotting, white picket fence is in my future. If it's still possible there is someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. If there is someone out there just that crazy??

For now, except for work, I'm going to politely fade into the woodwork. I'm sure I'll get enough socializing through work, facebook and msn chatting. Although the last 2 will be minimal as there are 4 of us who'll want the computer. I'm sure people will get a hold of me if they need me for something or come to my shows if they just want to hang. LOL, I've already had a few people follow me from Shooters to Joe's...I might be developing a fan base. Yay me!

Dreaming

Last night as I slept, my subconscious was busy working overtime. Worrying over things as I do. New and improved stresses to add to my daily life. Good and bad. Yes there is such a thing as good stress. Graduations and children's birthday parties count among those.

As I lay sleeping, my mind was sorting out things as it usually does, via dreams. Things that usually made no sense. The more stress I have the more bizarre my dreams.

Being stuck on a city bus, with my little ones and not being able to get to my childhood home. At about 3 o'clock in the morning. Having to change buses, carrying a ton of stuff that I didn't need. Not having the correct change for all of us. I kept restarting a new dream that still had me on a damn bus. And only with the younger ones. I guess I don't need to worry over my oldest. It was late, the kids are tired, it's freakin' winter, no one is dressed appropriately and all I wanted to do was get home. The house I grew up in, home.

Again a new dream starts but this time, I'm downtown, middle of the day and this lady is screeching about how the dog nipped at "her". I make the assumption that "her" is a small child. It's a wiener dog and she's got the dog by the back legs and she's slamming the poor thing against the side of this old beat up orange car. The dog is a mess of blood. She finally stops as I shout at her and throws it into the street. Amazingly it gets up and walks away. I didn't care if the animal appeared to be alright, I told her I was reporting her. No one should treat an animal that way. I try to take the plate number but just as I focus on a letter it changes. Keeps shifting back and forth from numbers to letters. I got an X, A, 4, 5, 6 and a J. Frustrated I couldn't read it, I dig my camera out of my purse to take a pic, but the lady is in her car driving away. Not willing to let this go I get into a car and take and route to intercept her, or at least get the picture. I did, I actually got a picture of her license plate! But then the car I'm driving doesn't respond to the brakes or steering. Going down a hill, terrified I'm going to hurt or kill somebody, I try to aim for a pole to stop the car. Crash imminent.....

Dream changes again. I'm sitting in a bar, the lighting is dim. I don't even know what I'm doing. You, yes you, my one and only follower, walk up to me. You've just arrived with one of your friends. You've got your leather jacket on and a yellow shirt. And jeans, of course. You go to hug me hello. I slide my hands around your waist and inside your jacket and grip tightly. You look at me funny and ask me "What's this? We're friends remember?" I tell you to shut up and pretend like you like me for a few minutes. You actually do it, this is how I know I was dreaming, lol. For a few minutes, I lay my head in the crook of you neck and nothing bothered me. The cool thing is I could really feel your arms around me. Go figure, the brain does record everything for playback at a later date.

Personally I think the last bit was my subconscious way of helping me feel better. If only for a few moments. The rest, I'm kind of WTF??? I truely am twisted. Or perhaps maybe getting ready for the psych ward.....(insert maniacle laugh)

A Concept in Abstract Realism's

People suck
Drunks are funny
Being yourself, is the hardest thing to do

Doing what's right
Being kissed by a girl
Kaleidoscope of bullshit marches on

Weekends off
Children safe
The possibility of a life beyond this

All grown up
Yet still a child
Letting go - difficult, but I trust in her

Beautiful girls
A better life
Try to rememeber when the darkness steals in

Always surrounded
Perpetually isolated
Aloneness comfortable, soothing. Yet bleak

As it is

Clawing at me, tearing me apart, inside out
Rage, frustration and pain, raw and ragged from being so deep
Fighting to escape their bonds

Silent tears creep down my face
The only sound, my sniffing nose
The hamster insanely running it's wheel

Thoughts, Memories, Ugliness
Knifeing through my head, ravaging
Feelings of dejected acknowledgement

Grateful yet hating my solitude
Inperceptable sobs rack my person
The way it has been, the way it always will be

Things I Have Learned in the Past 12 Months

Hanging on to Anger & Pain is a waste of time

Falling out of love is a reality

Forever is a nice fairy tale, Fairy Tales are for children

People change as we grow, sometimes it's apart

It's the little things that mean the most

Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do

Common sense is a rare commodity

Honesty isn't always the best policy

People really can be obliviously to their own actions

I have more inner strength that I thought possible

It's not the mistakes that I make, but that I take steps to correct them...or at least try

Most people are only looking out for #1

I say what I do, and do what I say

I have a lot of people I talk to, but only a handful of friends, even fewer true friends

Having someone you can rely on is a precious treasure

Being that someone is the ultimate compliment

You are never too old to fall for someone, hopefully just wiser

Never make a guy a priority, when I'm just an option to him....I'm worth more than that

Lots of guys think I'm hot @ work, only one still thinks I am when I'm in my glasses, comfies, with no make up

A persons true nature is revealed by how they act in the midst of a crisis

Anyone who has to have even only one beer every day has a problem

People prefer to believe their own lies instead of taking responsibility

People like to perpetuate drama, and add some of their own

I am able to rise above, meanness, pettiness, stupidity and greed

You don't get mad at someone you don't care about

You don't care about someone who doesn't make you mad

I have the guts to tell someone how I feel, without knowing what their answer will be. (something new for me)

Falling for someone reminds me that despite all the shit in my lifetime, I'm not broken

I can make the first move and it doesn't make me wanton

I really did get my job on my good looks and charming personality. Thank God I can sing too!!

Life is too short to be miserable

Brain Went on a Tangent

I am sitting at the computer, bored again, going thru various sites: How to Get the Man You Want, Make Him Love You and Thank You for it and also 7 Secrets to Forever. Partly out of curiousity and part cuz I needed a good laugh. I also looked up stuff about "How to Teach Your Child". Easier said than done and the average male penis size. My mind likes to bounce around. BTW the average male errection is between 5" - 6.5". With a girth of 5" around.

So I am looking at these "how to" sites and comparing my actions and experiences. How they correlate from my life to what "they" say. Then I took a good look at what I wanted and how things ultimately ended up. Let's just say I was less than impressed. I found I taylor my needs, desires and feelings to what the other person wants. Usually with a damsel in distress slant on it. This approach probably works great for blondes with big tits, but I am red headed with moderate boobs and on the sharp witted side. This doesn't seem to be working in my favour. So it begs the question - If I am unhappy with the end results, am I doing something wrong? The answer - yes and no.

Yes, that by altering who I am to to become more appealing to him, I do us both a great disservice by NOT showing him who I really am. Not giving us the opportunity to see if we might compliment each other by being different. It is true opposites attract, providing they find the right balance. Eventually the facade drops and I find that the guy doesn't like the person I am, but the perception of who he thought I was.

No. I am relearning the rules of the game. And finding the rules are, there are no rules. People change bf/gf's every other week. I'm not up for that, while like most people I want to have fun, I am also very picky. So I have a few personal standards I use as guidelines. Friends first. He could be the hottest guy on the planet but if I can't have a simple conversation with him, what's the point? Never sleep with someone I don't care about. This kills 2 birds with 1 stone. If he's only interested in a booty call then he won't try to get to know me and waste my time. And becoming intimate with someone you care about makes the experience all the more better. Watch how he treats other people and compare how he treats me. If he disrepects other people, for whatever reason but treats me like a queen, chances are he will disrespect me when I fall out of favour. He has to make me smile. If just thinking about him doesn't make me smile that's a general indication of how I really feel. These are just a few things I use to wind my way thru life. I still need to work on my end game.

Someone once told me they liked my sexy confidence. That was before he got to know me. I wonder if he would say the same now. Sadly some of the most insecure people are the ones who look like they have the world by the balls.

So I ve decided to change how I do things a bit. I have always been the type that if I want it, I want it NOW!! Information, and outfit, guys.....especially guys. I can be aggressive and overbearing. But I have just recently learned what it is like to be persistantly chased. It's not a great feeling. I would also like to believe that I can learn and change from various experiences in life. One of the things I have learned, just recently, is that constantly contacting someone via IM or texting etc becomes irritating and kills interest. That and ending sentences with "call me...if you want to that is" starts to sound needy after a couple times. **Hanging head in embarassment** I am guilty of doing both, and will be stopping that.

I am turning over a new leaf. I will learn to exercise patience. With all the ways there are to get in touch with a person, anyone who's interested will find away to get my attention. And to all those whom I have over-persued, my sincerest apologies. I knew not what I did.

Another aspect I will be working on is not running myself down. Out loud anyway. Everyone does it. People are their own worst enemy and critic. My goal is to stop saying it, with the hope that eventually I will stop thinking it too.

Life is precious and short. Right now all I want to do is stop and smell the roses, and enjoy all aspects of life. I think I have earned the right to be a little selfish, so Mr. Right if you're out there, it's your turn to dance thru a few hoops.......cuz I'm worth it!!!

Hope He had a Good Time

The sour reek of alcohol oozes from your pores

Red rimmed eyes, glazed from your ever more over indulgence. No wonder you stand away from me.

You arrive bearing gifts, from your weekend away, late

T-shirts, cheap rings, plastic toys that will break by tomorrow and candy

How generous of you to take the time to purchase presents for your children

Boozing, gambling and lap dances - this "stuff" should make up for your absence. I shake my head in disgust.

Then my daughter looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes and asks me if I'm jealous

I look back at her and smile "No honey, I'm not jealous." I leave worried and concerned unsaid

How long until they realise that these "gifts" are selfish substitutes for spending real quality time with them.

That soon he'll tire of playing the wounded, hard done by father, and settle quite comfortably in to the role of the confirmed bachelor.

I worry- How am I to raise well rounded, unbiased women, when the very first male influences in their lives treat them thusly