I sit, naked, knee's drawn up to my chest, on the bathtub floor
The water pours down from the shower head, warm and soothing on my neck and back
Forehead resting on the tops of my knee's- hot tears course down my cheeks freely
Mingling with the running water, they too join the excess running down the drain
Frustration, stress, heartache leave me feeling exposed......vulnerable
My mind wanders over various pain, fears, angers unresolved
Purging myself of the ugliness of bile's I carry within
Releasing it the only way I know how, my only comfort - my arms wrapped tightly around me
A part of me sneers at how soft I've become in my years
Reminding me I have only myself to blame for part of the woes escaping me now
These were choices I made, I shouldn't be crying over spilt milk
Just forgot how exhausting being the stronger, better person was
There was a time I would have never gone out on a limb, never put up with crap
Even if I deigned to climb the bloody tree, make an effort, getting knocked down, hard
Would have had me picking my ass up, dusting it off and walking away without a backward glance
Laughing, pitying those who kept attempting to climb back up, kept beating a dead horse
Standing up, wiping away the last of my tears, I come to a resolution
A realisation of the need to blend who I was with who I am
See things for what they are, accept them...even embrace it, then walk til there's a reason not to
But most of all, live life on MY terms, I am the only one who can make me happy or sad
Somewhere a long the way, I forgot that
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Devils Delight
Old fears, ugly feelings
helplessness
Memories of long past
vileness lingers
Better than a graham cracker
naivety of a child
Nightmares like horror films
specifics locked away
Remembrance of what
but not who
Empty, hollow, nothingness
broken right out the box
Left to the wolf
abandoned, alone
Innocence lost,
taken away too soon
helplessness
Memories of long past
vileness lingers
Better than a graham cracker
naivety of a child
Nightmares like horror films
specifics locked away
Remembrance of what
but not who
Empty, hollow, nothingness
broken right out the box
Left to the wolf
abandoned, alone
Innocence lost,
taken away too soon
Thursday, April 23, 2009
TD, Mums nickname for someone. Stands for: Tricky Dicky
Do all men become the scum of the earth, when they don't get their way. Are they so far removed, in their selfishness that it no longer matters what the right thing to do is. Only what they want to do, for what ever reason. Is using any means necessary to get back at a person no longer a concern, when righteous indignation is involved. Or pride is sorely wounded.
Why do they believe what they do is OK, but God help them if their girlfriend/wife wants to do it too. Why do they project all of their fears and shortcomings on to their other half. Then have the gaul to blame said other half at every perceived slight. Why does it only take one female to screw with a guy but the next nine to pay for it. Women get screwed over time and again yet we foolishly try to be optimistic with the next. And with the 2:1 odds of women to men, even when their pride is dinged, they've already moved on to the next female. And always as the martyred victim.
How do I teach my girls that not all guys are jerks, when they are routinely exposed to them daily. My oldest 2 of them. What do I say to her when she tells me she feels like she's lost two fathers this year. She sees how he treats her differently and has heard that her aunt supposedly only has three nieces. I thank God her aunt told him straight out that she had four nieces. That my daughter, not his would always be her niece. Granted that was preceded by her also still claiming me as her sister. I wish it hadn't been said in front of my biggest baby girl but she was trying to illustrate that we were still family to her. What is it with having the inability to see past his own nose?? If you're not with me then you're against me.
Tonight my oldest finally broke down, I knew it was a matter of time before she would try to come to terms with that bit of information. As I held her in my arms I told her, it was said in anger. Designed to hurt me. And when heads clear he will find he never meant it. My heart wept with her. Had he been there I probably would have tried to scratch his eyes out. How dare he allow and encourage her to see him as her dad for over 10 years, then to act like it never meant anything. That night he truly became her step father in her eyes. When he is here he makes the motions, says the right words. He spends just about two hours a day in my house. (I claim it just on sheer volume of time I've spent here.) He eats, shits, shaves, showers, and changes. He expects to be lord of the manner then pisses and moans when not treated accordingly. Over buns no less.
The worst is the waiting. Waiting for the papers to be signed. Waiting for the ownership to change. Waiting for him to get the fuck out of my house!!
But most of all waiting for my life to begin again. Heaven forbid maybe even be a little happy.
For the time being, I'm not holding my breath. May 8th would have been our Tenth Anniversary. The girls still want to do something, as it is important to them. He suggested throwing a Separation Party!
What a guy!
Why do they believe what they do is OK, but God help them if their girlfriend/wife wants to do it too. Why do they project all of their fears and shortcomings on to their other half. Then have the gaul to blame said other half at every perceived slight. Why does it only take one female to screw with a guy but the next nine to pay for it. Women get screwed over time and again yet we foolishly try to be optimistic with the next. And with the 2:1 odds of women to men, even when their pride is dinged, they've already moved on to the next female. And always as the martyred victim.
How do I teach my girls that not all guys are jerks, when they are routinely exposed to them daily. My oldest 2 of them. What do I say to her when she tells me she feels like she's lost two fathers this year. She sees how he treats her differently and has heard that her aunt supposedly only has three nieces. I thank God her aunt told him straight out that she had four nieces. That my daughter, not his would always be her niece. Granted that was preceded by her also still claiming me as her sister. I wish it hadn't been said in front of my biggest baby girl but she was trying to illustrate that we were still family to her. What is it with having the inability to see past his own nose?? If you're not with me then you're against me.
Tonight my oldest finally broke down, I knew it was a matter of time before she would try to come to terms with that bit of information. As I held her in my arms I told her, it was said in anger. Designed to hurt me. And when heads clear he will find he never meant it. My heart wept with her. Had he been there I probably would have tried to scratch his eyes out. How dare he allow and encourage her to see him as her dad for over 10 years, then to act like it never meant anything. That night he truly became her step father in her eyes. When he is here he makes the motions, says the right words. He spends just about two hours a day in my house. (I claim it just on sheer volume of time I've spent here.) He eats, shits, shaves, showers, and changes. He expects to be lord of the manner then pisses and moans when not treated accordingly. Over buns no less.
The worst is the waiting. Waiting for the papers to be signed. Waiting for the ownership to change. Waiting for him to get the fuck out of my house!!
But most of all waiting for my life to begin again. Heaven forbid maybe even be a little happy.
For the time being, I'm not holding my breath. May 8th would have been our Tenth Anniversary. The girls still want to do something, as it is important to them. He suggested throwing a Separation Party!
What a guy!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
....and I'm the Bad Guy
You behave like a little child.
Oblivious to everything around you.
Always expecting your way.
Regardless of others.
You play the martyred victim
While creating havoc and damage
Then lie and feign innocence
When called on it, you're just "playing the game"
You blame others for your downfall
Use words like inconvenienced, greedy and bitch
Are you that incapable of seeing past your nose
Does it escape you, that you are the direct cause of this
You claim ignorance, asking why? why? why?
Like I woke up and decided to make your life hell
I wonder when you will realise that it's NOT about YOU
I wonder if you will ever see what your disinterest has wrought
You'll take care of YOUR kids
It's still YOUR house
YOU'RE the boss
Yet you average two hours a day here
And in the next breath
You claim not to have lived her for half a year
You don't help YOUR kids with their lives
You don't clean up in YOUR house
I do that, you're never here long enuff
Or you can't be bothered
You waste my time with bullshit that's unnecessary
Then don't understand my anger and frustration
You think you had it bad when you're here
You've been picked at and screwed over
You think I've stayed silent because of guilt
You have no idea how wrong you are
When you move out and you have your money
My silence ends
I don't recommend you continue to play the victim
I won't allow it, I'm surprised your arrogance allows it
It may sound like I'm saving up anger
To blow when you're gone, but that's not it
I simply won't tolerate your snide little remarks
Those days of keeping the peace for the girls will be done
Here is a wake up call...
You are going to find out what I really think
Of your actions, your lies and your lack of moral fortitude
You aren't going to like what I have to say
I expect you to spin things, call me a liar
Then I will remind you that given the choice of
Being a fool or a liar, you chose "playing the game"
Would you know the truth if it smacked that smug look off your face?
Image is everything to you
Your vanity and arrogance astounding
But, how can you be so hard done by if I'm not the bad guy
Thankfully, people are starting to see, I'm not the person you've painted me to be
Sux 2 B U Picasso!!!
Oblivious to everything around you.
Always expecting your way.
Regardless of others.
You play the martyred victim
While creating havoc and damage
Then lie and feign innocence
When called on it, you're just "playing the game"
You blame others for your downfall
Use words like inconvenienced, greedy and bitch
Are you that incapable of seeing past your nose
Does it escape you, that you are the direct cause of this
You claim ignorance, asking why? why? why?
Like I woke up and decided to make your life hell
I wonder when you will realise that it's NOT about YOU
I wonder if you will ever see what your disinterest has wrought
You'll take care of YOUR kids
It's still YOUR house
YOU'RE the boss
Yet you average two hours a day here
And in the next breath
You claim not to have lived her for half a year
You don't help YOUR kids with their lives
You don't clean up in YOUR house
I do that, you're never here long enuff
Or you can't be bothered
You waste my time with bullshit that's unnecessary
Then don't understand my anger and frustration
You think you had it bad when you're here
You've been picked at and screwed over
You think I've stayed silent because of guilt
You have no idea how wrong you are
When you move out and you have your money
My silence ends
I don't recommend you continue to play the victim
I won't allow it, I'm surprised your arrogance allows it
It may sound like I'm saving up anger
To blow when you're gone, but that's not it
I simply won't tolerate your snide little remarks
Those days of keeping the peace for the girls will be done
Here is a wake up call...
You are going to find out what I really think
Of your actions, your lies and your lack of moral fortitude
You aren't going to like what I have to say
I expect you to spin things, call me a liar
Then I will remind you that given the choice of
Being a fool or a liar, you chose "playing the game"
Would you know the truth if it smacked that smug look off your face?
Image is everything to you
Your vanity and arrogance astounding
But, how can you be so hard done by if I'm not the bad guy
Thankfully, people are starting to see, I'm not the person you've painted me to be
Sux 2 B U Picasso!!!
15 Years
Do you see me, from up on high
Or have you gone on with your existence there
They say things move more quickly @ home
Unlike the plodding drudgery here
So perhaps a blink for you
Is years for me
The sluggishness of measured time
Not a concern for you, two more and I'm there with you
In those years,
My life has spiralled
In many different directions
Some good, some bad, but all in your abscence
There were many times
I could have used your
Level headiness and objectivity
Your ability to make sense of the things I could not
And still can't.....
I want to be a child again
With you on the sidelines, watching after me
That's what you were there for, if I needed you
You would be there
To quietly to help out
No judgements, no voiced opinions
Just there, listening offering a comment here or there
When you were asked
You would explain things
I didn't or couldn't understand
Either from personal experience or observation
Ahh Dad, I'm tired
I want to pack it in and call it a day
I don't want to be strong anymore
I'm not, I've just gotten to faking it pretty well
Most of all
I want to go out for coffee
At Mr. C's and shoot the shit with you
And feel just for a little while all is good in the world
I miss riding in the truck
While you sang Thunder Rolls to the radio
I still get misty hearing The Dance, it reminds me of you
I even miss you arming the truck before I'd get in, annoyingly loud as it was
I hate that you
Never saw my girls
I was the only one, you never held
A grandchild for, I was the youngest child just starting @ life
I wish I could
Talk to you, tell you about
The chaos in my life, how badly I'm doing
So you could tell me, that's what your there for, and make it better
Or have you gone on with your existence there
They say things move more quickly @ home
Unlike the plodding drudgery here
So perhaps a blink for you
Is years for me
The sluggishness of measured time
Not a concern for you, two more and I'm there with you
In those years,
My life has spiralled
In many different directions
Some good, some bad, but all in your abscence
There were many times
I could have used your
Level headiness and objectivity
Your ability to make sense of the things I could not
And still can't.....
I want to be a child again
With you on the sidelines, watching after me
That's what you were there for, if I needed you
You would be there
To quietly to help out
No judgements, no voiced opinions
Just there, listening offering a comment here or there
When you were asked
You would explain things
I didn't or couldn't understand
Either from personal experience or observation
Ahh Dad, I'm tired
I want to pack it in and call it a day
I don't want to be strong anymore
I'm not, I've just gotten to faking it pretty well
Most of all
I want to go out for coffee
At Mr. C's and shoot the shit with you
And feel just for a little while all is good in the world
I miss riding in the truck
While you sang Thunder Rolls to the radio
I still get misty hearing The Dance, it reminds me of you
I even miss you arming the truck before I'd get in, annoyingly loud as it was
I hate that you
Never saw my girls
I was the only one, you never held
A grandchild for, I was the youngest child just starting @ life
I wish I could
Talk to you, tell you about
The chaos in my life, how badly I'm doing
So you could tell me, that's what your there for, and make it better
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Misery Loves Company
It's the end of a work night. My eyes are burning, my throat is sore. Yet I'm all keyed up. This is usually how I feel at the end, after doing a gig. I've eaten, and now I'm plopped down in from of the computer. Checking my messages, playing games, returning pokes, creeping in other peoples posted lives.
You've beaten my score once again in on or another games we play. But I play that game a couple of times, beating yours not once but twice. Feeling just a tad triumphant, I utter a mental "a-ha!" and visualize doing a victory dance. Looks like I'm on top. Body's too tired to really move, too bad my brain won't heed it's example. I hear a funny sound to my left and realise that Dumbass is chewing on his bars again. I guess you can't expect too much from a mammal with the brain the size of a corn flake. I'm watching him climb his bars as Closer starts to play. I smile remembering an earlier conversation.
"Randy" was the word used. Possible, but the lyric "I want to fuck you like an animal" comes, and I laugh out loud thinking, I wouldn't be that picky. I listen to the sexy sensual beat of the song and think about being on top. Oh gawd brain, shut up and go on to something else. It pretty much ignores me, giving me teasers of memories. The taste of your lips. The smell of your hair. The heavy lidded look you get. That sound you make, when you really like what I'm doing.
As the music plays I start thinking of the next time I'll see you. What I'd love to do if this song plays. I'd want to dance with you real close, kiss your neck, up behind your ear while gyrating my hips in time with the tempo. Pull your head down for a kiss and see just how hard I could make that cock of yours. I'm kinda curious what you would do. Would you want me to stop, or would you grab my ass and push up against me?? Would you want to fill me, putting and end to the sweet ache of desire and need?? Delicious thoughts of previous posts fill my head. I Need You Tonight starts to play and I can only shake my head at the sheer irony of it.
Groaning in self induced frustration and throbbing unbearably, I ponder how much longer I will last before I get to the "Fuck It or Kill It" point. Not that I would do either. Fucking being for hook ups and killing being wrong if you get caught. Ahh, till I get to savour the equisite pleasure of your undivided attention, I am reduced to dirty ideas and naughty blogs. And God help me I have plenty of both....some of the things I want to do....damn damn damn...oh screw this - fuck fuck fuck fuck......grrrrrr!
Just so I'm not the only one climbing the proverbial walls enjoy the pictures.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
She's got Legs
Was considering rewriting a post we discussed, but it's quarter to 4 and I'm getting tired, so I thought I'd torture you instead. Pictures worth a thousand words, I'm pretty sure I've never written that many in one post. This pic says it all:
I'm ready when you're ready!!
Happy Bunny Day....enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
