Guys Suck Monkey Balls!!!

Life is a journey of self aware, self discovery and self defeating experiences. There are times when you are, just along for the ride, leading the pack or shouting "Stop the bus...I wanna get off!" I'm going to share a little of my lessons learned as it pertains to all three.

Guys don't or can't cum when excessively drunk and high. I'm starting with this one because it really bothered me. My first experiences lead me to believe I was the cause of the non finishing. I was seriously starting to doubt my abilities as a woman and really obsessed over what the hell I was doing wrong. Not by and word or deed on the guys part. We females are just like that, and if you don't give us a heads up we automatically assume blame. Thankfully (for my self-esteem) secondary experiences proved otherwise. It really wasn't me. Sad to say I felt more relief than guilty this time round.

Regardless of any similarities, a new guy cannot and will not help you move on from another. If anything it will make things worse. You find yourself mentally comparing the two and one always comes up short. No matter how hard you try, his touch just won't be the same....he won't inspire the same thrilling feelings. On top of which you start to feel guilty on all fronts. One, like you are cheating, even though you are not. Well yourself perhaps? You aren't giving new guy a fair shake. And when it comes down to it you really are wasting time on something that isn't going to work. Which inevitably makes new guy - rebound guy. Ironic how that worked out!

I once told someone that I was used to being alone, I had been for years now. I was trying to illustrate that I don't invite people to do stuff because I'm feeling lonely. There are times I quite enjoy having no one around and get irritated when someone interrupts. I do not need to be out and about all the time. Instead of taking my point, they went in a completely other direction. They said that it was sad I was used to being alone. I had been married up until recently. That was a bit like having cold water thrown in my face. But then it occurred to me this person had no idea what my life was really like. That being the head of a household, single mother, bills to pay, loads of day to day stuff that was required tends to make you crave being left to yourself. That all I really miss being by myself is someone to snuggle and relax with. Being held on a particularly bad day. OK and a person to shovel the driveway and cut the grass too.

Lying to yourself is probably not healthy. Not being able to look yourself in the mirror is worse. I had become very good at lying to myself, and turning away from that which I found too exhausting anything about. It really is true that if you don't care enought to fight over it, you don't care. The truth will always come to smack you in the face. My truth came in the form of my youngest at 4 years old informing her 6 yr old sister that daddy "was at the bar". I always used the same excuses he gave me....going to get gas or heading to the reserve for cigarettes. I knew better, but didn't want the kids to know. Why is something I didn't want to look too closely at.

Learning to recognize this pattern is something I've recently mastered. For the past couple of months I started lying to myself again on another matter. Granted initially it was a way to cope with pain, but I got so good, I managed to convince myself I was A-OK, moving forward in life and all the good stuff that came with it. Realizing a while ago if I want to keep things quiet, on some level I wanted to hide something. When that finally makes my conscious mind is when I have trouble looking in the mirror. That's not right, at least for me. I choose to be open and honest with people. Even when they wish I would shut up. If I feel I can't be honest about something then it's not for me. Something new I am going to live by.

Returning to a high school mentality in "dating" is sad. And I am not bothering with it. OK and I get bored easily, as I am finding out again. LMAO, that hasn't happened to me since.....High School!!! So I am going to sit back, relax and do my own thing. Have a little fun here and there, but enjoy just being me. That ought to cause some trouble....he he he

Honourable mention, in that you will meet people in life that will touch you in ways no one else has. Usually you find that they have showed you something about yourself you needed to learn. Or remember. They make you smile, frustrate you, turn you on, drive you crazy, make you laugh and cry. They stimulate you on all levels. They are the one's that when you are old and can't remember your own name you will recall in 3D High Def Clarity. This is the type of person I want in my life for me. Happy Ever After sounds good but will become boring! So now that I know what I want, accepting anything less would be an insult.

After thought: Maybe guys don't suck monkey balls, I've just been settling for less than I want. Hmmm....Another Lesson Learned!!!

"Sleep those little slices of Death. Oh , how I Loathe them" Edgar Allen Poe

Not mine, but a phrase that has been plaguing me the last little while. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me I need to put some things to rest. Or I need to renew my love of horror flicks. Or I need to stop frigging myself. A woman's orgasm in french can be referred to as le petit mort...little death. Oops...wrong blog!!

I've finished making lunches, tidied up some of the never ending mess that seems to grow each day. Trying to not think about....about everything. Trying not to worry, but already making mental plans should the need arise.

Wonder if the testing will hurt overly...I don't think injecting me with saline will, but the ultrasound- definitely will be uncomfortable. They have to press hard to get a clear image through the ribcage, then move it around to get the best angle. For me that means I'll be lots of pretty colours when they're done. Amazing it doesn't bother me much that I get to go topless in front of a complete stranger. People are people regardless of what profession they are in, so the fact that they are medical personnel never really offered me that comfort state of mind of being sans clothes. Granted that may change as the centre gets nearer.


I am going to the S.P.A.R.C. That stands for the "Stroke Prevention Atherosclerosis Centre". Not too sure what Atherosclerosis is but I understand "stroke prevention". Wonder if I should inquire where they were about a year ago when I needed them. Maybe not, I didn't even know I had a stroke until after I survived it.

And it is at this centre I will be having a "Bubble Test". Yep you read that right a bubble test. I am going all the way to London so they can test my ability to blow Bubbles!! LOL All kidding aside that is the name of the test. The "bubble" refers to the saline they will inject into me. It will help the tech get a much clearer image of my heart and it's valves. It should be able to detect whether or not there are any irregularities or malformations. One or more of these could be responsible for whatever blocked off a pathway preventing blood from getting to a part of my brain.

Here's the kicker, I don't know whether to hope they find something or not. If they find something, it could mean scary ass surgery to correct or replace the problem. If they find nothing then it's more tests to see what caused the stroke. Oh goody! Either way it feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I can't decide if I should laugh, cry or just lose my mind...what little is left of it. I am grateful my boss is taking me and not my mum. Lord knows I love the lady, but she gets frustrated and agitated when she doesn't know where she's going. My patience might wear thin, which would not be good for.....her. Besides if I do lose it, he won't molly coddle me and say every things going to be just fine, I don't need to worry blah blah blah. He'll let me do my thing and give me a hug when I'm done. Sometimes guys are better for some things. But don't quote me, cuz I'll deny it!!!

So I suffer chronic exaberated migraine headaches, that they are testing my heart for. And in a weird way it does make sense as all the major organs and systems are interconnected. Who knows maybe you really can be heartbroken??

Hoping I was Wrong.....

I sat and watched her face as she absorbed the news. The information I'd been hanging on to for the weekend, but the subject came up. So I let it out.
A wash of differing emotions crossed her face. First- shock, pain. Then resignation and finally a disappointed acceptance.
For two days I carried the knowledge of just how small minded, mean and petty a person can be. How some people cannot see past their own personal feelings. Would rather continue a cycle that now appears never ending.
Christmas gifts purchased for her younger brother and sister, returned....still wrapped, unopened. Carefully selected items, as one is still an infant, to let her siblings know that she still loved them. Even if she didn't see them. She thinks of them every day.
Left in a bag between two doors, after school commenced Monday morning. Vindictive enough to drive over to leave them but not the courage to return them in person.
As I consider this, I watch mutely as her eyes take on a sheen of unshed tears. Racking my brain for something soothing, comforting to say...but nothing comes. What do you say to a slap in the face as such. Stubborn as she is, she refuses to give in to the tears.
In many ways I am proud of her. And in twice as many my heart aches for her. He is acting like a petulant child denied his own way, and she the tough loving parent who stays the course of her beliefs.
I fear for how this will end. The effort he will make to try and stay connected to her siblings. The siblings he is turning into pawns, with holding them to punish her for his perception of how she has wronged him.
I fear the excuses and lies he will tell his children, to justify his actions. And their belief in him. How it will shape their idea of her. I see this weighing heavily on her heart.

I watch this happening and I keep wondering who is the parent and who is the child?? The "parent" is 36 years old. The "child" is 14 years old.

Pain thrums persistantly in the soft part of my temples.
Nausea rolls thru my stomach in waves.
It's OK, OK I tell myself, I haven't eaten...I'm just hungry...
Sharp stab, like a staccato beat knifes thru the right side of my forehead
Gorse rises into the back of my throat, almost chocking me
Still repeating in my head everything is OK, I turn over and stretch
Bad move...feels like ice picks violently poking into my skull
My left leg twitches
Forced like someone is touching it with an exposed wire
A muscle spasm?
Stop worrying, get up and get some food into you
Swing into a sitting postion and the world drops out behind me
Stomach lurches, I wait for this to pass.
Throbbing in the right side of my forehead and my ear
Left leg twitching still...
Fear begins to claw up inside, I try to squelch it with a mental I'll take a hand full of pills, it'll be fine
Just need to eat and take some drugs...no worries
Agony on the right, seeing stars almost and twitching on the left
Fear turns to terror, as eating is makes it worse
Can't make it to work, got to go to work, need the money...
Oh please God don't let me be having....
Ferverent prayers to everyone I can think of
A second one could render me brocolli-like
My heart pounding in horror and frustration...fucking useless I am
Kids shreik with laughter, and run down the hall, things sound 10x's louder than they are
Anger like the pounding surges forth...do they have to be so loud?
I clamp down on that as I know it's just that I feel so poorly I'm getting mad
I grab my head to block the noise and contain the torment with in
Swaying, then stumbling to the left, decision is made
Feeling shame and a disappointment, I call the Boss and ask him to work for me
Thank God he's understanding, he does a better job anyways
Crawl back into my cave like room and try not to dwell on my leg, still jolting
My stomach one big clenched fist, barely allowed the meds down
Making me gag to show it's displeasure
One more prayer...Please God, just let me get to sleep...and if I don't wake up....hope you're ready for me

Stupid Stuff

Why does it seem the better things get
The worse I feel?

Is Hell the absence of love
Or the absence of everything Good?

Why, when things end unhappily,
Do memories still make you smile

If the opportunity to change myself arose
Would I change how I look or who I am

Why, after accomplishing so much
Do I feel like an epic failure

Why, feeling like an epic failure
Have I accomplished so much

Which is worse?
Feeling lonely in a room full of people
Or being alone in general

Is it wiser to drug myself to sleep
Or lie awake willing my brain to shut off

If I knew, unequivocally the world would end, and nothing could stop it
Would I share this burden of information with others
Or let people live out the remainder of time in ignorance

So while you are thinking I need to get a hobby
Wouldn't this count as a hobby

Is getting screwed over worse
Than wanting them after anyways

Is trying to make one person replace another possible
Or just wishful thinking

If I had to choose, based on a set parametres, who lived and who died
Could I, would I

Why is doing the right thing
Always the hardest
And most likely to bring you grief

Which would I choose
A person I disliked but was of value
Or I person I liked but was useless

Why, after you've clawed you way out
Is there someone there to kick you back in

Is it always easier to criticize
Than to compliment

Why is talking about achievements bragging
But talking about failures being humble

Why am I still writing this
Instead of going to bed

Good Night All

Unhitched

Free at last. Free at last. Lord have mercy, I'm free at last. No longer legally bound to he who I spent 12 years with. See ya sucker!!!
12 years. That's a fairly decent chunk of time. More than a decade of my life....gone. Not to say that during that time there weren't some good things.
Two more beautiful girls. A serious lesson in how to think outside the box. Finding out how truly strong I could be. And how completely twisted life can get.
A year ago, I was so angry at how a person turned on me. My perceptions of what I thought he was, and reality collided in a very ugly smack down. While discovering a whole new world that he threatened to ruin for me. Then I started to see he only had that power over me becuz I allowed him to. that epiphany gave me back myself...and then some. The more he tried to anger me, the more I just smirked at him. Ironically making him all the more angry. The best part being that he isn't who he thinks he is in his mind, and people see this.
And now the last tie is severed. I am no longer Mrs. Anything. No longer so and so's wife. I am simply me. I'm good with that....really good. I seriously considered throwing a party, but felt that might lack class. Although one person did point out that if I felt like celebrating, then I should celebrate! People pretty much celebrate everything else. That made me smile.
But after all the con-fuckled-ness of the last year, I'm a little sad too. Not so much that he is gone. More that something that was once beautiful and strong, withered and turned to ash. When a long term relationship ends, it is a death of sorts. It forces me to question things about myself I'd rather not. Was I really that naive and trusting? Was it wrong to have such trust for a man I was legally bound to and had children with? Did I, deep down, think so little of myself that I believed I deserved no better? These and more still nag at me. And cause a whole new set of insecurities.
Dating in this day and age is a scary fuckin' thing. People too free with their bodies, content with a nights pleasure or until they find something better. Not to mention you practically need to request blood work results just to be safe. And that's just if you're single. Add 1 or 2 children and things become more so interesting. I have 3, plus a mother in residence. That's a rather large package deal. All interested parties either know or get told right off the bat. I believe in being honest...and not wasting my time. And I figure if they're still interested then they might be worth getting to know.
I am finding it difficult in knowing that what I want is just as important what someone else wants and what I'm willing to compromise for the sake of the interested party. Too stubborn and the party is no longer interested. Too soft and I start to hate myself, and what I become. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, I've just yet to find it.
I hate feeling suspicious of everything around me. Wondering what the motives are for individual people. I really miss just taking people at face value. Believing that they are genuine. I feel that part of me is broken, and ponder if I will ever be fixed?