Without hope there is nothing
I'll take nothing, it hurts less.
Gives you realistic expectations
Anything above and beyond is good fortune
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Empty
Smiles, laughter, funny comments
Hand dragged thru my hair,
More laughter, nothing but bullshit
An act, a facade, flashing eyes
Nothing but a piece of fiction
Correcting wrong ideas or assumptions
Drinking more and more
Hoping to fill the hollowness
Trying to deaden the nothingness
Did my thing
Danced my dance
Wonder why I even bothered
Will I do it again?
Stubbornness compels me so
Even if to prove something to me
Yet in my own stubbornness
I create my own feeling of isolation
Perhaps it is something I must do
The price extracted high
The empty aloneness I must endure
The private feelings of worthlessness
Prove to others
I am not this person
Some people would have you think I am
Maybe, somewhere along
My efforts in reminding people
I'll remember it myself
Hand dragged thru my hair,
More laughter, nothing but bullshit
An act, a facade, flashing eyes
Nothing but a piece of fiction
Correcting wrong ideas or assumptions
Drinking more and more
Hoping to fill the hollowness
Trying to deaden the nothingness
Did my thing
Danced my dance
Wonder why I even bothered
Will I do it again?
Stubbornness compels me so
Even if to prove something to me
Yet in my own stubbornness
I create my own feeling of isolation
Perhaps it is something I must do
The price extracted high
The empty aloneness I must endure
The private feelings of worthlessness
Prove to others
I am not this person
Some people would have you think I am
Maybe, somewhere along
My efforts in reminding people
I'll remember it myself
Sunday, March 1, 2009
WiP 5
Putting the finishing touches on my make up, I looked into my eyes wondering what the evening held for me. GG and I were attending yet another societal event. Save the Burrowing Owls Gala. An evening that promised to entertain an have you part with your money while smiling. The invitation came with a press packet informing you just what you were helping to prevent from extinction. The cover had, a presumably mother owl, with 4 little baby owls in a hole like cave dug into the ground. Cute little devils, the mother being the largest at about 10 inches, the babies at 4-5 inches. Interesting little factoid being that while most owls hunted at night, these guys were alert and active during the daytime. There were even a couple of Burrowing Owls, purported to be at the Gala tonight for people to observe.
Looking forward to seeing the cute little fluffy creatures in person if nothing else, I stood and walked over to the full length mirror in my room to do a last once over before meeting GG in the front hall. My hair falling in soft curls about my shoulders and back. The front being caught up in a sparkly clip. Just enough to keep my hair out of my eyes, the rest, left down, silky and touchable looking. The dress, taylored to my form, was a deep purple, wine colour. Halter style top, with the rest clinging to every curve like it'd been painted there. Ankle length with a slit up the right side to mid-calf. The material held a sort of shimmer to it, and bunched in key places to allow for more...stretch. Backless, with a minute invisible zipper just above the buttocks. The dress, in short....was stunning. Completing the outfit were strappy heeled sandals of silver to match the hair clip and a simple, braided silver necklace just longer than chocker length.
Pleased with my appearance, I turned to go meet GG in the front hall and be whisked away to the ball. And whisked away we were. It seemed everyone who was anyone was here. Here being a Victorian Manor in one of the wealthier parts of town. Not as large as others estates we passed by on our way but, impressive with it's wrought iron security gates. Gothic towers and massive, dark stained oak doors. On them keeping with the era, they had twin brass door knockers of lions heads. Instead of the usual ring in the mouth, these twin lions had their mouthes open wide showing a display of very sharp, wicked looking teeth. It was in behind the lower canines that the rings were set. Almost making one afraid to reach up and use it for fear of getting bitten. I was having a tough time deciding whether the lions were growling or outright roaring at you. Either way, it made for a very forboding welcome. I watched amused, as various people react to the knockers with a nervous giggle or shudder.
As our turn to enter the residence came, a footman checking first our invitation then a list, announced our arrival to one and all. GG, most certainly in her element, remarked that the annoucement was positively of vintage decadence. Moving forward to proceed into the manor, we descended down a staircase to a main level. The decor rich with the finest of furnishings. Chairs covered in expensive fabrics placed just so to encourage people to mingle without being forced to stand if one needed to sit. A chaise here, antique tables matching the victorian atmosphere placed about for drinks and such. Soft strains of music could be heard in the background somewhere.
Moving through the crowd, discussing various niceties, we were stopped more than once by people wanting to say hello. Catch up from the last function. Not just GG but myself also. Gentlemen I had met through GG's aquaintance, were renewing contact with me. In the course of an hour I had as many as four invitations for dinner. One gentleman all but suggesting I stay on for breakfast as well. Very tactfully I gracefully refused each offer. Saying that I wasn't quite ready for such invitations as of yet, but I would keep them in mind when I felt able to do so. I was beginning to feel like I was being trapped in this large social mechanism with no escape. GG, was appalled that I had turned down not one but all four offers. She proceeded to tell me why I was a fool I was for saying no to any and all of them. Siting qualities in each man that apparently would be a socialites dream. Laughing I told her if they were that great then she was welcome to them. A funny look crossed her face, and she moved away from me muttering something about "second choices". As I mingled and talked with various persons I noticed I had managed to move towards the centre of the room, where in a very large glass confinement were the Burrowing Owls everyone was here to save. The glass case was one third filled with dirt where the diligent owls had already carved out their den. Watching them for a few moments I saw the listlessness they seemed to feel, their eyebrows waggling every so often as to say "What you looking at?" While others seemed to find them absolutely charming, adorable even, all I saw was the very large and intricate prison they were trapped in.
"You empathize with their plight."
A voice I had only heard once briefly, but would recognize anywhere, whispered in my ear. Starting, I turned and faced the man I had work so very hard to put out of my mind. Dressed in an expensively cut italian tux, black of course. An onxy pin for a tie. the only relief from all the darkness was a triangle of white dress shirt under the vest and jacket. What was wrong about his appearance was his hair. It was held back in a black ribbon, queue style. Secured at the nape of his neck. All those wild and free curls now tortured into place. Imprisoned by a piece of silk. It just wasn't right. It made me think of the owls, it made me think of how ever so slowly my life was becoming as well. And for one insane moment I wasn't having any of it. Without thinking I reached up and tore the ribbon from his hair, freeing the curls. Standing there looking triumphant with the black ribbon in my hand. Sebastian regarded me for a moment and simply asked.
"Was that bothering you??" The amused glint to his deep brown eyes, had my jaw drop. Then sanity chose then to return. It was that exact moment I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. Shoving the ribbon back at him I looked around frantically hoping no one had noticed. No such luck. Seeing my discomfort at the people staring and whispering. And possibly sensing my panic, he took my arm to lead me away with a short "this way."
Guiding me behind a curtain to a door secreted behind it, we entered what appeared to be a small library or study. Seating me, he set about to pouring me some sort of drink. A fire was crackling and popping to my left, warming the room. Pushing a glass into my hand he sat on the sofa adjacent to the one I was on. I was stammering. "I...I...uh, I......" but nothing was coming out.
"Drink." he said gesturing to the glass in my hand. Shaking my head no, I tried again. This time not even stammering came out.
"Drink!!" he ordered, in a tone clearly used to being obeyed. My hand rising to do as I was told, my brain rebelling at being told what to do...even if it was for my own good. The look on my face must have changed because there was a flicker of something in his eyes, for a second then was gone.
"I apologise for my social.....faux pas, " I began cordially. "but considering our aquaintance, or lack there of," I continued my voice rising with each word. "you are hardly anyone to be ordering me to do anything!!!!" Raised voice now, anger mixed with disappointment generously laced with embarassment surged through me. Standing, attempting to tower over him, he sat there looking, confused by my sudden anger towards him and something else I couldn't put my finger on. His eyes darkened and I watched as his lips parted to say something. I didn't know whether I wanted to kiss him or kill him. Then he stood up. Pretty much putting the kibosh on my intimidation factor. In fact, by standing, he had neatly turned the tables on me. I was the one stepping back, seriously questioning if this was the best tactic to take at this time. And my stepping back had me catch the hem of my dress, and trip myself.
Lightning fast he was there, catching me. One minute he was across from me, the next I was there in his arms and on his lap, falling on him. The sofa I had been sitting on cushioning our landing. Stunned I just lay there, trying to process things in my head. I didn't notice the way his eyes drank in my face, or how his arms began to tighten around me. When I'd sorted things out (sort of) I relised I was staring at his lips. His very soft looking slightly parted, strong looking lips. And that insane feeling came over me again. I plunged my hands into his hair and pulled him to me. Rubbing my lips across his, I pressed mine into his, sucking lightly on is lower lip. I pulled back and looked into eyes that were heavy lidded and almost black. Flushing I glanced down and God help me, pulled him to me again. This time more insistant, I nipped at his upper lip and wound my arms around his neck. Once again sanity returned and I went to pull away from him. Insanity must be catching because as I made to move his hand caught me up under my chin and tilted my head up to receive his kiss. Kissing me fully, sliding his tongue to mine, dancing briefly withdrawing to shift angles. Was better than any dream I'd ever had. I could have died right then and there and would have died happy.
His arms tightening around me, his finger skimmed lightly up my back. Warm and sensuous, it made parts of me quiver. Moving his lips to my neck, he trailed alternately nibbles and kisses down the column of my throat. A brief, yet quickly forgotten sting, was soothed by his tongue, tracing lazy circles. Kissing harder on that spot, he tore his mouth away flinging away me as well. So strong was his reaction that I flew off his lap, landing on the other sofa. Stunned and beginning to get scared I looked at Sebastian, to ask what the matter was. The words froze in my throat as I looked straight up, into coal black eyes. His lips held a crimson hue I don't recall being there. But his face, his face held an expression of such anguish, my heart wept for him. Absently scratching the spot he'd just been kissing, finding it still moist. Glancing down at my fingers I came to a sudden conclusion for the crimson stain upon his lips. My very own finger tips, stained with the red of my blood. Struggling to comprehend this, an icy fist of fear blossomed in the pit of my belly. I opened my mouth, yet no sound came out. Gradually, the lack of sound became part of the graying edges of my vision, imparting sanity no longer.
Looking forward to seeing the cute little fluffy creatures in person if nothing else, I stood and walked over to the full length mirror in my room to do a last once over before meeting GG in the front hall. My hair falling in soft curls about my shoulders and back. The front being caught up in a sparkly clip. Just enough to keep my hair out of my eyes, the rest, left down, silky and touchable looking. The dress, taylored to my form, was a deep purple, wine colour. Halter style top, with the rest clinging to every curve like it'd been painted there. Ankle length with a slit up the right side to mid-calf. The material held a sort of shimmer to it, and bunched in key places to allow for more...stretch. Backless, with a minute invisible zipper just above the buttocks. The dress, in short....was stunning. Completing the outfit were strappy heeled sandals of silver to match the hair clip and a simple, braided silver necklace just longer than chocker length.
Pleased with my appearance, I turned to go meet GG in the front hall and be whisked away to the ball. And whisked away we were. It seemed everyone who was anyone was here. Here being a Victorian Manor in one of the wealthier parts of town. Not as large as others estates we passed by on our way but, impressive with it's wrought iron security gates. Gothic towers and massive, dark stained oak doors. On them keeping with the era, they had twin brass door knockers of lions heads. Instead of the usual ring in the mouth, these twin lions had their mouthes open wide showing a display of very sharp, wicked looking teeth. It was in behind the lower canines that the rings were set. Almost making one afraid to reach up and use it for fear of getting bitten. I was having a tough time deciding whether the lions were growling or outright roaring at you. Either way, it made for a very forboding welcome. I watched amused, as various people react to the knockers with a nervous giggle or shudder.
As our turn to enter the residence came, a footman checking first our invitation then a list, announced our arrival to one and all. GG, most certainly in her element, remarked that the annoucement was positively of vintage decadence. Moving forward to proceed into the manor, we descended down a staircase to a main level. The decor rich with the finest of furnishings. Chairs covered in expensive fabrics placed just so to encourage people to mingle without being forced to stand if one needed to sit. A chaise here, antique tables matching the victorian atmosphere placed about for drinks and such. Soft strains of music could be heard in the background somewhere.
Moving through the crowd, discussing various niceties, we were stopped more than once by people wanting to say hello. Catch up from the last function. Not just GG but myself also. Gentlemen I had met through GG's aquaintance, were renewing contact with me. In the course of an hour I had as many as four invitations for dinner. One gentleman all but suggesting I stay on for breakfast as well. Very tactfully I gracefully refused each offer. Saying that I wasn't quite ready for such invitations as of yet, but I would keep them in mind when I felt able to do so. I was beginning to feel like I was being trapped in this large social mechanism with no escape. GG, was appalled that I had turned down not one but all four offers. She proceeded to tell me why I was a fool I was for saying no to any and all of them. Siting qualities in each man that apparently would be a socialites dream. Laughing I told her if they were that great then she was welcome to them. A funny look crossed her face, and she moved away from me muttering something about "second choices". As I mingled and talked with various persons I noticed I had managed to move towards the centre of the room, where in a very large glass confinement were the Burrowing Owls everyone was here to save. The glass case was one third filled with dirt where the diligent owls had already carved out their den. Watching them for a few moments I saw the listlessness they seemed to feel, their eyebrows waggling every so often as to say "What you looking at?" While others seemed to find them absolutely charming, adorable even, all I saw was the very large and intricate prison they were trapped in.
"You empathize with their plight."
A voice I had only heard once briefly, but would recognize anywhere, whispered in my ear. Starting, I turned and faced the man I had work so very hard to put out of my mind. Dressed in an expensively cut italian tux, black of course. An onxy pin for a tie. the only relief from all the darkness was a triangle of white dress shirt under the vest and jacket. What was wrong about his appearance was his hair. It was held back in a black ribbon, queue style. Secured at the nape of his neck. All those wild and free curls now tortured into place. Imprisoned by a piece of silk. It just wasn't right. It made me think of the owls, it made me think of how ever so slowly my life was becoming as well. And for one insane moment I wasn't having any of it. Without thinking I reached up and tore the ribbon from his hair, freeing the curls. Standing there looking triumphant with the black ribbon in my hand. Sebastian regarded me for a moment and simply asked.
"Was that bothering you??" The amused glint to his deep brown eyes, had my jaw drop. Then sanity chose then to return. It was that exact moment I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. Shoving the ribbon back at him I looked around frantically hoping no one had noticed. No such luck. Seeing my discomfort at the people staring and whispering. And possibly sensing my panic, he took my arm to lead me away with a short "this way."
Guiding me behind a curtain to a door secreted behind it, we entered what appeared to be a small library or study. Seating me, he set about to pouring me some sort of drink. A fire was crackling and popping to my left, warming the room. Pushing a glass into my hand he sat on the sofa adjacent to the one I was on. I was stammering. "I...I...uh, I......" but nothing was coming out.
"Drink." he said gesturing to the glass in my hand. Shaking my head no, I tried again. This time not even stammering came out.
"Drink!!" he ordered, in a tone clearly used to being obeyed. My hand rising to do as I was told, my brain rebelling at being told what to do...even if it was for my own good. The look on my face must have changed because there was a flicker of something in his eyes, for a second then was gone.
"I apologise for my social.....faux pas, " I began cordially. "but considering our aquaintance, or lack there of," I continued my voice rising with each word. "you are hardly anyone to be ordering me to do anything!!!!" Raised voice now, anger mixed with disappointment generously laced with embarassment surged through me. Standing, attempting to tower over him, he sat there looking, confused by my sudden anger towards him and something else I couldn't put my finger on. His eyes darkened and I watched as his lips parted to say something. I didn't know whether I wanted to kiss him or kill him. Then he stood up. Pretty much putting the kibosh on my intimidation factor. In fact, by standing, he had neatly turned the tables on me. I was the one stepping back, seriously questioning if this was the best tactic to take at this time. And my stepping back had me catch the hem of my dress, and trip myself.
Lightning fast he was there, catching me. One minute he was across from me, the next I was there in his arms and on his lap, falling on him. The sofa I had been sitting on cushioning our landing. Stunned I just lay there, trying to process things in my head. I didn't notice the way his eyes drank in my face, or how his arms began to tighten around me. When I'd sorted things out (sort of) I relised I was staring at his lips. His very soft looking slightly parted, strong looking lips. And that insane feeling came over me again. I plunged my hands into his hair and pulled him to me. Rubbing my lips across his, I pressed mine into his, sucking lightly on is lower lip. I pulled back and looked into eyes that were heavy lidded and almost black. Flushing I glanced down and God help me, pulled him to me again. This time more insistant, I nipped at his upper lip and wound my arms around his neck. Once again sanity returned and I went to pull away from him. Insanity must be catching because as I made to move his hand caught me up under my chin and tilted my head up to receive his kiss. Kissing me fully, sliding his tongue to mine, dancing briefly withdrawing to shift angles. Was better than any dream I'd ever had. I could have died right then and there and would have died happy.
His arms tightening around me, his finger skimmed lightly up my back. Warm and sensuous, it made parts of me quiver. Moving his lips to my neck, he trailed alternately nibbles and kisses down the column of my throat. A brief, yet quickly forgotten sting, was soothed by his tongue, tracing lazy circles. Kissing harder on that spot, he tore his mouth away flinging away me as well. So strong was his reaction that I flew off his lap, landing on the other sofa. Stunned and beginning to get scared I looked at Sebastian, to ask what the matter was. The words froze in my throat as I looked straight up, into coal black eyes. His lips held a crimson hue I don't recall being there. But his face, his face held an expression of such anguish, my heart wept for him. Absently scratching the spot he'd just been kissing, finding it still moist. Glancing down at my fingers I came to a sudden conclusion for the crimson stain upon his lips. My very own finger tips, stained with the red of my blood. Struggling to comprehend this, an icy fist of fear blossomed in the pit of my belly. I opened my mouth, yet no sound came out. Gradually, the lack of sound became part of the graying edges of my vision, imparting sanity no longer.
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