Emotions jousled and jumbled
Silent, intense yearnings
Beautiful memories
Unpredictable moods
Inable to communicate, be close
Afraid to love and be loved
Hair shredding frustrations
Only brief smiles, how are you
Empty ache, unfillable void
Ignore urges to hope
For a touch, wink, a meaningful glance
Remembrance, the first flush of feelings
Fill the days, and the nights
Get lost in endless distractions
Try not to think....not to feel
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A Prayer for Drunken Idiots
Dear Lord, Mother and Father God, Powers That Be,
Whoever happens to be listening to what I am thinking/praying right now. I went out tonight and had enuff guys hit on me to make me puke. Some single, some not! I'm sure the single guys are probably upstanding citizens, why can't I get HIM off my mind?
I was told by a married man "If I wasn't married I would be all over you." To which I responded, disgusted I might add. "But you are married, and if you really feel that way....DIVORCE, is a good thing." I've been to the puppet show.... I know there are strings, but come on!! Is this whats out there today?? Maybe I should start going to church, but a lot of hypocrite's patronize there too.
Besides Lord, my mind is stuck on someone already. Someone who doesn't use dumb-ass lines. And once thought highly of me. No he's not perfect and has issues of his own. But knowing this I can't get him out of my head.
The sad thing Lord is that I've hurt him, so he gave up on me. I didn't mean too, but I was going thru a tough time in my life. Perhaps it was something he could not understand, never being there himself. Once it was over, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Too much bs directed his way. How can I compete with that??
So I had a little ceremony, trying to let him go. That's when the nightmares began. Awful things Lord, I didn't want to see, but my mind kept showing them to me. One way or another. then I realised, that even when I knew I was dreaming, I still couldn't admit the truth. That which terrifies me and I tried to bury deep down. Is the source of the chaotic dreams. Once I acknowledged the pain, loss and disappointment I felt. Along with how I truly feel. The whirlwind stopped. So here goes, Fluffy, this is for you:
I miss you, more than you'll probably understand. And I was waiting until things were done with my shit, but you were already pulling away. I'm in love with you. This is not something I say easily, nor lightheartedly. I've already told you in a round about way, but since I never see you anymore, I never got the chance to tell you in person. I had hoped for a fresh start, but I bungled that up. I'm sorry I've hurt you, really I am. It kind of comes with the territory of caring for someone.
And no worries, you being you - I don't expect to hear from you for a while....if ever. I just wanted to be able to put it out there. Most of the time I'm grateful for having known you. But being me, there are times I want to slap the shit out of you.
So Lord allow me to sum up by saying that this is purely a selfish way of getting things off my chest. I also am a firm believer in being honest, in fact it usually is my biggest downfall. So I cannot change the free will of others but I will be working on my own. In which I mean I sincerely hope that this causes no more than a slight annoyance, and no real pain on it's own.
I'd say Amen here, but the ironic part is this is a blog and not a church.
P.S It's been nice knowing you ttocs remark
Whoever happens to be listening to what I am thinking/praying right now. I went out tonight and had enuff guys hit on me to make me puke. Some single, some not! I'm sure the single guys are probably upstanding citizens, why can't I get HIM off my mind?
I was told by a married man "If I wasn't married I would be all over you." To which I responded, disgusted I might add. "But you are married, and if you really feel that way....DIVORCE, is a good thing." I've been to the puppet show.... I know there are strings, but come on!! Is this whats out there today?? Maybe I should start going to church, but a lot of hypocrite's patronize there too.
Besides Lord, my mind is stuck on someone already. Someone who doesn't use dumb-ass lines. And once thought highly of me. No he's not perfect and has issues of his own. But knowing this I can't get him out of my head.
The sad thing Lord is that I've hurt him, so he gave up on me. I didn't mean too, but I was going thru a tough time in my life. Perhaps it was something he could not understand, never being there himself. Once it was over, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Too much bs directed his way. How can I compete with that??
So I had a little ceremony, trying to let him go. That's when the nightmares began. Awful things Lord, I didn't want to see, but my mind kept showing them to me. One way or another. then I realised, that even when I knew I was dreaming, I still couldn't admit the truth. That which terrifies me and I tried to bury deep down. Is the source of the chaotic dreams. Once I acknowledged the pain, loss and disappointment I felt. Along with how I truly feel. The whirlwind stopped. So here goes, Fluffy, this is for you:
I miss you, more than you'll probably understand. And I was waiting until things were done with my shit, but you were already pulling away. I'm in love with you. This is not something I say easily, nor lightheartedly. I've already told you in a round about way, but since I never see you anymore, I never got the chance to tell you in person. I had hoped for a fresh start, but I bungled that up. I'm sorry I've hurt you, really I am. It kind of comes with the territory of caring for someone.
And no worries, you being you - I don't expect to hear from you for a while....if ever. I just wanted to be able to put it out there. Most of the time I'm grateful for having known you. But being me, there are times I want to slap the shit out of you.
So Lord allow me to sum up by saying that this is purely a selfish way of getting things off my chest. I also am a firm believer in being honest, in fact it usually is my biggest downfall. So I cannot change the free will of others but I will be working on my own. In which I mean I sincerely hope that this causes no more than a slight annoyance, and no real pain on it's own.
I'd say Amen here, but the ironic part is this is a blog and not a church.
P.S It's been nice knowing you ttocs remark
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Kisses in the Rain
The rain is falling. Gently washing surfaces, with every drop struck.
This is one of her favourite sounds. The steady patter of water coursing from the sky. Soothing to her.
She is sitting out on the back deck. Cross legged on top of the hexagonal picnic table. The air thick and cool, but not cold. The large deck umbrella keeping her mostly dry, while allowing her to be part of the environment. The wind blowing the occasional spray of moisture. Curling and waving her hair, it gave her a soft, tranquil look.
The back door opens. He steps out. She had been expecting him. Waiting not being her forte, she decided to wait for his arrival out here.
He eyes the space from the backdoor to the shelter of the umbrella. Considers it speculatively. Laughing she asks if he melts? Crossing the distance in five steps, he continues past and leans on the railing adjacent to where she sat. The tree that grew beside the deck more than adequate to keep him dry, he lights a cigarette. Drawing deeply, he remarks that only she would be sitting out in the rain.
She smiles at him, then turns her head back to listening to the sound the drops make. Patiently she waits for him to finish his smoke before going over to greet him hello.
As he is almost done, she gets up off the table and walks over to him carrying an ashtray. After he butt's out, she slides her hands around his waist inside his jacket. He wraps his arms around her. They stand like that for a moment. Hello. she says looking up at him. She steps back, out of his embrace, and is chilled. Once again sliding her arms inside his jacket.
Hope you don't mind. She says. Cold? He asks, chuckling. Um hmm, she answers, clasping her hands behind his back. Turning her head inward to him, she breathes in his smell, making a memory. She could feel his heart beating beneath his chest, and oddly found that comforting.
Looking up into his face, she reaches up to wipe an errant drop of rain from his cheek. Getting lost in his eyes, she tangles her hand in the back of his hair and pulls his face towards her.
Abruptly he turns away, releasing her. Moment shattered, she feels a stab of pain knife thru her. Then resignation and grudging acceptance. She'd forgotten, in the ease she always seem to feel with him, she'd forgotten. Things were what they were, and it wasn't that.
Laughing she quipped she'd never been kissed in the rain, wanted to see what it was all about. Not a complete falsehood, she'd never been kissed in the rain by him. Just one of the many things she was looking forward to doing with him, but that was neither here nor there.
Shaking her head,she gave him a quick squeeze and stepped back. Deliberately breaking contact. A fleeting look crossed his eyes and was gone. She half wondered if she'd imagined it. She went to sit back a top of the table. Leaning back on her hands, head hanging, she breathed in the rain freshened air. Slowly and deeply to try to calm the turmoil inside.
She felt his presence in front of her, not hearing the footsteps. She lifted her head to look at him. A curious look upon his face, he reaches down and pulls her towards him.
Lightly at first, lips touching, tasting, caressing. Pulling herself up, more fully to him, the kiss deepens until both are left breathless. Leaning his forehead on hers, he stares into her eyes. Searching for.....something.
And just like that, he was striding purposefully from the deck. Bewildered, full and empty at the same time. It was only then she noticed, the birds were singing and the rain had stopped.
This is one of her favourite sounds. The steady patter of water coursing from the sky. Soothing to her.
She is sitting out on the back deck. Cross legged on top of the hexagonal picnic table. The air thick and cool, but not cold. The large deck umbrella keeping her mostly dry, while allowing her to be part of the environment. The wind blowing the occasional spray of moisture. Curling and waving her hair, it gave her a soft, tranquil look.
The back door opens. He steps out. She had been expecting him. Waiting not being her forte, she decided to wait for his arrival out here.
He eyes the space from the backdoor to the shelter of the umbrella. Considers it speculatively. Laughing she asks if he melts? Crossing the distance in five steps, he continues past and leans on the railing adjacent to where she sat. The tree that grew beside the deck more than adequate to keep him dry, he lights a cigarette. Drawing deeply, he remarks that only she would be sitting out in the rain.
She smiles at him, then turns her head back to listening to the sound the drops make. Patiently she waits for him to finish his smoke before going over to greet him hello.
As he is almost done, she gets up off the table and walks over to him carrying an ashtray. After he butt's out, she slides her hands around his waist inside his jacket. He wraps his arms around her. They stand like that for a moment. Hello. she says looking up at him. She steps back, out of his embrace, and is chilled. Once again sliding her arms inside his jacket.
Hope you don't mind. She says. Cold? He asks, chuckling. Um hmm, she answers, clasping her hands behind his back. Turning her head inward to him, she breathes in his smell, making a memory. She could feel his heart beating beneath his chest, and oddly found that comforting.
Looking up into his face, she reaches up to wipe an errant drop of rain from his cheek. Getting lost in his eyes, she tangles her hand in the back of his hair and pulls his face towards her.
Abruptly he turns away, releasing her. Moment shattered, she feels a stab of pain knife thru her. Then resignation and grudging acceptance. She'd forgotten, in the ease she always seem to feel with him, she'd forgotten. Things were what they were, and it wasn't that.
Laughing she quipped she'd never been kissed in the rain, wanted to see what it was all about. Not a complete falsehood, she'd never been kissed in the rain by him. Just one of the many things she was looking forward to doing with him, but that was neither here nor there.
Shaking her head,she gave him a quick squeeze and stepped back. Deliberately breaking contact. A fleeting look crossed his eyes and was gone. She half wondered if she'd imagined it. She went to sit back a top of the table. Leaning back on her hands, head hanging, she breathed in the rain freshened air. Slowly and deeply to try to calm the turmoil inside.
She felt his presence in front of her, not hearing the footsteps. She lifted her head to look at him. A curious look upon his face, he reaches down and pulls her towards him.
Lightly at first, lips touching, tasting, caressing. Pulling herself up, more fully to him, the kiss deepens until both are left breathless. Leaning his forehead on hers, he stares into her eyes. Searching for.....something.
And just like that, he was striding purposefully from the deck. Bewildered, full and empty at the same time. It was only then she noticed, the birds were singing and the rain had stopped.
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