Contrasts in Living

The world is a cruel, cruel place
Everyone in it taking, never giving
Trust nothing and no one

The world is a beautiful place
Everyone loves everyone
Caring and sharing make the world go round

Two very different concepts of life

One - you'll never be hurt
You'll learn self reliance and independence
You will never let yourself feel completely loved and cherished

The other will help you feel happy and whole
Inspire you to give
And learn the harsh realities of life the hard way

Because of this we need to strike a balance
Between the good and the bad
Maybe then we will see the world as it truly is

It's not as cruel as it looks
Yet not everyone will like you, let alone love you
So you must find the middle path

Trust not until trust is earned
Give a little more, when you can
the world is indeed a beautiful place, so take the time to make it just a little more special

Trying to teach myself to find a happy medium.

Tight Jeans, Eh??

Written before Eh! was associated with being Canadian.

Look at me
Look hard, look deep
Tell me what you see
Don't worry about what to say
Don't be eloquent, tell me what you really see
You can't say the wrong thing - it's your opinion
Besides you can't say anything that hasn't been said before.
Sometimes I wish I could step outside myself
And watch me
I know what I look like
I know how I act
But still, it'd be fun to see it from an outside point of view
I wonder what I'd think of me
If I didn't know me
I'd probably see what everyone else see's.....
What I want them to see
A female in tight jeans with an attitude
Too bad that's all you'll ever see of me
You'd never know that I'm not just some dumb tease
But someone who is comfortable in her clothes
And my attitude?
A filter, keeps me from people who would do me harm
But this is all you'll ever see
It's really too bad, you know?
You'll never see the other side of me
The happier, sunny side
And I do have one
You'll never notice me offer up my seat to an elderly lady on a crowded bus
Or see me holding a friend
When they are of broken hearts
You'll sure see my protective instincts
When some one I care for is threatened
All you'll ever see is what I allow you to see
I feel sorry for you, never giving me the chance
You are missing out on me

Bad day at school. Interesting how some things never change!

Time

Time is passing me by
So fast that before I know it
There'll be none left for me

Time - is never enough
To sustain all there is to do
In one frame of reference

Time cannot stand still
It must march on
To the beat of it's own heart

Time must be free
To be who or what it is
Fot it is life itself

Time is always on the run

This was a point in my life where everyone seemed to have their shit together and mine seemed all over the place.

Confusion

The world is spinning
Wrong side up
Topsy, turvy - round and round

Which way up
Which way down
Which way out

Colours swirl endlessly
One bleeding into another
Black to grey to white to pink to red

I want to scream STOP!!
But I know it will do no good
So I watch powerlessly

And yet I feel some control
Not much mind you
But enough

Just enough to sort it all out
To know the difference between it all
Maybe I'm not so powerless

It's usually about now
That someone comes
And messes up the works

So go round my world, go round
For I know eventually you'll stop
And I'll hold the knowledge to what I desire

World hasn't stopped yet....DAMN!!

The Chase

The bell sounds
And the chase begins
They both knew this when they first met

That first flush of attraction
She goes to her circle of friends
He to his

Shyly she glances towards him
Too late!
She is ensnared by his gaze

Subtly the appraise each other
No complaints on either side
The like what they see

A mutual friend tells one about the other
Never letting on they know how they feel
Encouraging him/her to talk to the other

But who will make the first move??
Who will make the first contact
I don't know.....

but neither do they

Written when I was 17, I can remember where I was when the words started in my head...but not why.

The Rain

Came across some stuff I wrote between the ages of 14 and 18. So I will be posting as I find time.


The air is thick
The sky a cloudy grey
A cool breeze russles the leaves

If I stand close enough
The wind can blow a spray
Of the rain that showers down
Upon my face

It is cool and inviting
Not at all the hot tense feeling
One would expect during the summer

The temptation to splash about
In the puddles
Is great-
Yet I only watch

Leaning against the foyer
Listening

To the pitter pat of the drops
The swish of the puddles
As the wind blows

Instead of playing
I admire the beauty of it all
The calm, cleansing feeling
I can find no where else

Sweet serenity I pray will last
Natures greatest gift

Thank you

This was written pre-migraines. I used to love thunderstorms and rain in general. I found them soothing and would sit in my bedroom window and just watch.

Dreaming

My dreams are all gone
Torn away by the cruelties of life
I dream no more

Or......

Have they been replaced?
Replaced by simpler, more realistic goals
I don't know anymore

I know that I don't reach for the stars now
Instead I reach for just above my head
It's safer that way

This way it doesn't hurt so bad
When my dreams
Just happen to be too far above my reach

Was seeing someone I considered out of my league, then found out he was still sleeping with his ex. It was the first time I let myself care for a guy.

Getting Dressed is Hard To Do

Sung to my oldest everytime I had to dress her as she didn't like it very much. Sung to the tune "Breaking Up is Hard To Do"

Don't grab those clothes
To put on me
Don't you make me cry my eyes in
Misery
Think of all that we'll go thru
That's why getting dressed is hard to do

Remember when
You held me tight
And I started sleepin
All thru the night
Think of all that we've gone thru
that's why getting dressed is hard to do

The say that getting dressed-is-hard to do
Now mom knows
She knows that it's true
Don't grab that sleeper again
Instead of getting dressed
I think I should be getting bathed againg

I beg of you
Please - no more socks
Then I won't spit up
Upon my tops
Think of all we're going thru
Getting dressed is hard to do

OK this is one of the few exceptions, this was written when I was 20

A Family Creation

Deep inside you planted a seed
And from that day forth
that seed was nurtured and loved

From this love
The seed grows and develops
As the seed begins blossoming
You to, blossomed

Announcing to the world
That another tiny life force would soon emerge
And become one with the human race

From day one you took on a new glow
The glow of an expectant mother
And your joy was shared and nourished by others

The joy of grandparents, first time aunts
The joy of Fatherhood
As you and your child grow
The love surrounding you grows also

There never is just an expectant mother
But rather an expectant family
As everyone shares and rejoices in the birth of a new babe

So to you I extend my warmest wishes of love and happiness
I was not present at the creation of this new life
I do know that it took more than one

Written as a Baby Shower gift for my sister's first child

Mortality

This one was written at a very dark time in my life. While I was writing this my knife, freshly sharpened, was waiting for me to finish. The original copy has blood on it. This was also the beginning of my "Black Phase"

Blood slowly drips
Forming a pool on the floor
Heart still beating
Wave upon wave of pain
To profound for words
Too much energy to scream
A low moan
Escapes between two lips

Thunder roars in the distance
Lightning streaks across the blackened sky
Rain pelts, the dry, brown earth
Water snakes through the cracked sidewalks
Racing like rivers to an ocean
The air feels threatening
Fear looms ominously

The black edge of Death
Precariously close
Life balanced on a single thread
Easily snapped at any moment
The presence of nothingness is strong
Strong enought to feel the lifeforce
Ebb slowly away
To the black void of eternity

This was written a while ago, but I was too much of a coward to post it.

Once I told you I thought I was falling for you
Please forgive me - but I lied
I already knew I had
Pride and fear kept me from admitting the whole truth

I've never met anyone quite like you
Funny, fierce, loyal, polite
A gorgeous person, inside and out
Yes, scars and all - you wouldn't be you without them

I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes
You see someone the world is cruel too
Picked at for being different
I see someone who learned to look past bullshit and see truth

You've been hurt, hense do not trust easily
You do things cautiously, thinking every step thru
Trying to protect yourself
You have times of levity where you just enjoy the moment

I worry, I won't meet all of your criteria
You won't let me in
You won't give me a chance, no matter how hard I try
Those are the times I despair and feel empty

For as little as I've known you, you've impacted my life
Inspired new and interesting self discoveries
Reawakened old forgotten ones
Meeting you has changed the way I perceive things

For that I thank you!

More Bitching While I Wait for the Drugs to Kick In

I feel old. Older than Methuselah. And very worn out and tired.

Tired of peoples self serving, drama generating, crap. Sick of hearing the excuses people tell themselves, and me, about why they act the way they do. Most actions are decided from purely personal choices with little regard to how it may affect others around them. People fail to realise that their life is exactly as they want it. Otherwise they would take steps to do something about what they didn't like.

This isn't anything new, in fact it's starting to get really old. One day you have a civil conversation, and things are good and the next you receive threats, are accused of lying and jerking a person around. The value of your word is belittled. Snide comments made.

Two faceness is a special irritation for me. People who are nice to your face, act like they give a damn about you, when you know they really don't. Only to trash you later, when it suits their purposes.

But I reserve the True Jackass Award for those who are completely clueless, Oblivious that their very own actions have caused the upset they deal with. Clueless to the fact that there is more to life that what is in front of them at the moment. Incapable of realising that anything in life worth something usually means time, effort and hard work. That it calls for something most people fear greatly...change. Change from the comfortable life they have built for themselves. Altering perceptions of how they see things. Most people are very content to piss and moan, blaming others or situations for their lot in life instead of actively doing something about it. Example : GST. Sadly not many have the guts to go after what they truly want out of life.

One of the main deciding points in ending an almost 10 year "perfect" marriage was the offer to then refusal, to seek counselling. The offer was only out there until I accepted it. Getting an unbiased third party opinion would have yielded ugly truths that someone was not willing to hear. It also would have probably required change for both of us. When I agreed to counselling, it became "I think we can figure things out for ourselves" My point?? Enough was enough, this time it wasn't going to be another fight that would end in short lived, broken promises to do better. If I didn't do something then this was my life. There would be nobody to blame for my stress, frustration and misery but myself. Once I identified the true source of my unhappiness, it was shit or get off the pot. I had to take responsibility for my own actions and life. Too often do I hear people complaining, but little action to resolve the problem. Ironically, I may have had the nutz to make the final decision, but the lack of fight put up afterwards, was very telling. Along with the new flame approximately 2 months later.

So after 2 marriages, 1 divorce with another pending, when the finances are there. Where do I go from here?? My heart, in all it's wisdom, decided to go ahead and fall for someone. Regardless of how utterly horrible the timing was, among other issues. As we all know love and logic rarely mix, but my heart is starting to hear what my head has been saying. Surprisingly it's not telling what and ass I've been making out of myself. It's saying the pain I feel will diminish. The desire and yearning will follow suit. Life will go on, even on the days I really don't want it to. Time to focus on other things in my life, like having 3 beautiful girls and school's out for summer. I have a job I love. I meet new people almost every time I go to work. I'm funny, smart, pretty and young enough to still find someone who'll want me...regardless of what's going on in my life. Most importantly, there is time, lot's of it.

I have days where I feel like it's too late. That my life is thus: a single mother with 3 children whose mother lives in the granny suite. On those days the I think happily ever after is nothing more than a crock of shite. Then I have better days where I wonder what it would be like to have a son. Even thought they do grow up I miss having a baby around the house. I like babies. I'm curious if the house with the, not rotting, white picket fence is in my future. If it's still possible there is someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. If there is someone out there just that crazy??

For now, except for work, I'm going to politely fade into the woodwork. I'm sure I'll get enough socializing through work, facebook and msn chatting. Although the last 2 will be minimal as there are 4 of us who'll want the computer. I'm sure people will get a hold of me if they need me for something or come to my shows if they just want to hang. LOL, I've already had a few people follow me from Shooters to Joe's...I might be developing a fan base. Yay me!

Dreaming

Last night as I slept, my subconscious was busy working overtime. Worrying over things as I do. New and improved stresses to add to my daily life. Good and bad. Yes there is such a thing as good stress. Graduations and children's birthday parties count among those.

As I lay sleeping, my mind was sorting out things as it usually does, via dreams. Things that usually made no sense. The more stress I have the more bizarre my dreams.

Being stuck on a city bus, with my little ones and not being able to get to my childhood home. At about 3 o'clock in the morning. Having to change buses, carrying a ton of stuff that I didn't need. Not having the correct change for all of us. I kept restarting a new dream that still had me on a damn bus. And only with the younger ones. I guess I don't need to worry over my oldest. It was late, the kids are tired, it's freakin' winter, no one is dressed appropriately and all I wanted to do was get home. The house I grew up in, home.

Again a new dream starts but this time, I'm downtown, middle of the day and this lady is screeching about how the dog nipped at "her". I make the assumption that "her" is a small child. It's a wiener dog and she's got the dog by the back legs and she's slamming the poor thing against the side of this old beat up orange car. The dog is a mess of blood. She finally stops as I shout at her and throws it into the street. Amazingly it gets up and walks away. I didn't care if the animal appeared to be alright, I told her I was reporting her. No one should treat an animal that way. I try to take the plate number but just as I focus on a letter it changes. Keeps shifting back and forth from numbers to letters. I got an X, A, 4, 5, 6 and a J. Frustrated I couldn't read it, I dig my camera out of my purse to take a pic, but the lady is in her car driving away. Not willing to let this go I get into a car and take and route to intercept her, or at least get the picture. I did, I actually got a picture of her license plate! But then the car I'm driving doesn't respond to the brakes or steering. Going down a hill, terrified I'm going to hurt or kill somebody, I try to aim for a pole to stop the car. Crash imminent.....

Dream changes again. I'm sitting in a bar, the lighting is dim. I don't even know what I'm doing. You, yes you, my one and only follower, walk up to me. You've just arrived with one of your friends. You've got your leather jacket on and a yellow shirt. And jeans, of course. You go to hug me hello. I slide my hands around your waist and inside your jacket and grip tightly. You look at me funny and ask me "What's this? We're friends remember?" I tell you to shut up and pretend like you like me for a few minutes. You actually do it, this is how I know I was dreaming, lol. For a few minutes, I lay my head in the crook of you neck and nothing bothered me. The cool thing is I could really feel your arms around me. Go figure, the brain does record everything for playback at a later date.

Personally I think the last bit was my subconscious way of helping me feel better. If only for a few moments. The rest, I'm kind of WTF??? I truely am twisted. Or perhaps maybe getting ready for the psych ward.....(insert maniacle laugh)

A Concept in Abstract Realism's

People suck
Drunks are funny
Being yourself, is the hardest thing to do

Doing what's right
Being kissed by a girl
Kaleidoscope of bullshit marches on

Weekends off
Children safe
The possibility of a life beyond this

All grown up
Yet still a child
Letting go - difficult, but I trust in her

Beautiful girls
A better life
Try to rememeber when the darkness steals in

Always surrounded
Perpetually isolated
Aloneness comfortable, soothing. Yet bleak

As it is

Clawing at me, tearing me apart, inside out
Rage, frustration and pain, raw and ragged from being so deep
Fighting to escape their bonds

Silent tears creep down my face
The only sound, my sniffing nose
The hamster insanely running it's wheel

Thoughts, Memories, Ugliness
Knifeing through my head, ravaging
Feelings of dejected acknowledgement

Grateful yet hating my solitude
Inperceptable sobs rack my person
The way it has been, the way it always will be

Things I Have Learned in the Past 12 Months

Hanging on to Anger & Pain is a waste of time

Falling out of love is a reality

Forever is a nice fairy tale, Fairy Tales are for children

People change as we grow, sometimes it's apart

It's the little things that mean the most

Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do

Common sense is a rare commodity

Honesty isn't always the best policy

People really can be obliviously to their own actions

I have more inner strength that I thought possible

It's not the mistakes that I make, but that I take steps to correct them...or at least try

Most people are only looking out for #1

I say what I do, and do what I say

I have a lot of people I talk to, but only a handful of friends, even fewer true friends

Having someone you can rely on is a precious treasure

Being that someone is the ultimate compliment

You are never too old to fall for someone, hopefully just wiser

Never make a guy a priority, when I'm just an option to him....I'm worth more than that

Lots of guys think I'm hot @ work, only one still thinks I am when I'm in my glasses, comfies, with no make up

A persons true nature is revealed by how they act in the midst of a crisis

Anyone who has to have even only one beer every day has a problem

People prefer to believe their own lies instead of taking responsibility

People like to perpetuate drama, and add some of their own

I am able to rise above, meanness, pettiness, stupidity and greed

You don't get mad at someone you don't care about

You don't care about someone who doesn't make you mad

I have the guts to tell someone how I feel, without knowing what their answer will be. (something new for me)

Falling for someone reminds me that despite all the shit in my lifetime, I'm not broken

I can make the first move and it doesn't make me wanton

I really did get my job on my good looks and charming personality. Thank God I can sing too!!

Life is too short to be miserable

Brain Went on a Tangent

I am sitting at the computer, bored again, going thru various sites: How to Get the Man You Want, Make Him Love You and Thank You for it and also 7 Secrets to Forever. Partly out of curiousity and part cuz I needed a good laugh. I also looked up stuff about "How to Teach Your Child". Easier said than done and the average male penis size. My mind likes to bounce around. BTW the average male errection is between 5" - 6.5". With a girth of 5" around.

So I am looking at these "how to" sites and comparing my actions and experiences. How they correlate from my life to what "they" say. Then I took a good look at what I wanted and how things ultimately ended up. Let's just say I was less than impressed. I found I taylor my needs, desires and feelings to what the other person wants. Usually with a damsel in distress slant on it. This approach probably works great for blondes with big tits, but I am red headed with moderate boobs and on the sharp witted side. This doesn't seem to be working in my favour. So it begs the question - If I am unhappy with the end results, am I doing something wrong? The answer - yes and no.

Yes, that by altering who I am to to become more appealing to him, I do us both a great disservice by NOT showing him who I really am. Not giving us the opportunity to see if we might compliment each other by being different. It is true opposites attract, providing they find the right balance. Eventually the facade drops and I find that the guy doesn't like the person I am, but the perception of who he thought I was.

No. I am relearning the rules of the game. And finding the rules are, there are no rules. People change bf/gf's every other week. I'm not up for that, while like most people I want to have fun, I am also very picky. So I have a few personal standards I use as guidelines. Friends first. He could be the hottest guy on the planet but if I can't have a simple conversation with him, what's the point? Never sleep with someone I don't care about. This kills 2 birds with 1 stone. If he's only interested in a booty call then he won't try to get to know me and waste my time. And becoming intimate with someone you care about makes the experience all the more better. Watch how he treats other people and compare how he treats me. If he disrepects other people, for whatever reason but treats me like a queen, chances are he will disrespect me when I fall out of favour. He has to make me smile. If just thinking about him doesn't make me smile that's a general indication of how I really feel. These are just a few things I use to wind my way thru life. I still need to work on my end game.

Someone once told me they liked my sexy confidence. That was before he got to know me. I wonder if he would say the same now. Sadly some of the most insecure people are the ones who look like they have the world by the balls.

So I ve decided to change how I do things a bit. I have always been the type that if I want it, I want it NOW!! Information, and outfit, guys.....especially guys. I can be aggressive and overbearing. But I have just recently learned what it is like to be persistantly chased. It's not a great feeling. I would also like to believe that I can learn and change from various experiences in life. One of the things I have learned, just recently, is that constantly contacting someone via IM or texting etc becomes irritating and kills interest. That and ending sentences with "call me...if you want to that is" starts to sound needy after a couple times. **Hanging head in embarassment** I am guilty of doing both, and will be stopping that.

I am turning over a new leaf. I will learn to exercise patience. With all the ways there are to get in touch with a person, anyone who's interested will find away to get my attention. And to all those whom I have over-persued, my sincerest apologies. I knew not what I did.

Another aspect I will be working on is not running myself down. Out loud anyway. Everyone does it. People are their own worst enemy and critic. My goal is to stop saying it, with the hope that eventually I will stop thinking it too.

Life is precious and short. Right now all I want to do is stop and smell the roses, and enjoy all aspects of life. I think I have earned the right to be a little selfish, so Mr. Right if you're out there, it's your turn to dance thru a few hoops.......cuz I'm worth it!!!

Hope He had a Good Time

The sour reek of alcohol oozes from your pores

Red rimmed eyes, glazed from your ever more over indulgence. No wonder you stand away from me.

You arrive bearing gifts, from your weekend away, late

T-shirts, cheap rings, plastic toys that will break by tomorrow and candy

How generous of you to take the time to purchase presents for your children

Boozing, gambling and lap dances - this "stuff" should make up for your absence. I shake my head in disgust.

Then my daughter looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes and asks me if I'm jealous

I look back at her and smile "No honey, I'm not jealous." I leave worried and concerned unsaid

How long until they realise that these "gifts" are selfish substitutes for spending real quality time with them.

That soon he'll tire of playing the wounded, hard done by father, and settle quite comfortably in to the role of the confirmed bachelor.

I worry- How am I to raise well rounded, unbiased women, when the very first male influences in their lives treat them thusly

Missing More Than Chatting

Free spirit given to whimsy. No mantles to pinion you down. Living in the moment

One of the things, I found so very crazy sexy about you

I hated that I felt so drawn to you. Especially at such a difficult time in my life. I should have buried that part of me, but then I had buried so many other things, there was no more room.

I worried that you were a transference. Method of escapism, punishment from God or even an addiction. Maybe my mind was going on vacation and you were the destination.

Talking with you helped me rediscover aspects of myself long dormant. Encouraged and applauding my efforts. I felt appreciated. Being around you made me laugh and had me climbing the walls.

Somewhere things got mixed up, turned upside down. Definitely NOT fun for either of us.

You felt your wings being clipped. I just wanted to understand. Things went so surreally wrong.

I did what I thought best. As much as I wanted you to want me, I let you go - set you free. Believing that's what you were trying to tell me, what you truly wanted.

I've been out of the game for far too long. The rules have changed, and I've little patience for bullshit. I know I made mistakes. I pushed too hard instead of leaving things be.

Try not to write me off completely. Nobody's perfect, least of all me! I know I may drive you crazy, but it's a good crazy for the most part. The kind that keeps you on your toes.

Besides, I'm always up for a little fun ;-)

More Ranting, with a Male Bashing Slant

Do all guys suck ass?? Or is it just the one's I allow into my life? Probably the latter. There seem to be lots of jerks out there disguised as nice guys. I had one guy lick my elbow tonight. Ewwww! Of course it had to be at working during one of my songs. So, I had to be professional, finish the song and act like it didn't bother me. All I wanted to do was smack his drunk ass down. The really sucky thing was that if those guys hadn't been drinking like they were I would have been shut down. I wonder if that would qualify for hazard pay?? Oh I have met some genuinely decent guys, but they are taken, gay or otherwise unavailable. The ones that aren't don't seem to spark my interest.

The phone was off the hook, more accurately on. And did I know that it was on?? Like I did that on purpose. I have nothing better to do thatn plot ways to make his life more difficult. But it never did occur to him that I'm trying to get him the fuck out of my life. Shit taking too long with the brokers etc, so now he's getting antsy. It has nothing to do with the fact that he dithered getting his stuff together for the lawyer so I had to re-apply for everything, then finagle the trust company into turning a blind eye to the judgement on the house. Nope not his fault at all. But he's sick of me and my mum living there for free. I said pardon?? I pay bills, and I actually buy groceries for my children not whatever the hell that was that he bought from Price Choppers didn't even last the week. Far be it for him to listen to me argue back, waves his hand dismissively and growls "Just hurry up and get it done already" Why the sudden interest in the money?? As someone pointed out, he knows he has money coming to him so he's drinking like a fish. When I first met him he seemed the stable , reliable type. Hell he was my best friends brother. How could I go wrong there?? He just liked his beer. He liked me, loved my kid and didn't have an issue with my headaches. Christ, he was my knight in tarnished armour.

Before him it was my oldest's dad. Being my smartass self I grabbed the phone from a friend who was talking to a guy that we'd heard about but never met, and started talking to him. Then my dad died. I had only been talking to him for about 2 months. Before that I hadn't spoken to him for about 4 years since he told me I was no longer welcome in his home. I was blamed for my mother having info that I didn't give her. Mum knew a lot of people, grapevine actually does work. But no I had to have been telling tales. I was fuckin' 14 yrs old. And I had to deal with that shit. From my own father. But I digress.

After my father died I, looking for stability, jumped into a relationship with a man whose parents came from Hungary. I thought them being European, they would be family orientated. I didn't count on my ex's major interest in porn. At first it was sorta fun and dirty. Then it became a factor in everyday life. It didn't matter that it was making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Especially after having a baby and my body scarred by the pregnancy. I thought that him being older the maturity would be there. I was wrong. And now there was a baby that he couldn't figure out why he had to feed or change. Cuz she's your daughter dumbass!! He still wanted to be a kid and play house. By the time I reliased how very wrong I was in previous assumptions, I was married, and had a child. I tried to stick it out. It didn't last long. With almost tragic results. You know there have been times where I wonder what may have happened if I hadn't walked into the kitchen to find him very calmly taking all of my medication. After we split and live in separate houses, everytime I didn't do what he wanted, he'd threaten to kill himself. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't times I was tempted to tell him to go ahead, put yourself out of my misery.

I must be a world class fucking idiot. For some dumbass reason, I still harbour hope that I'm not done yet. That someone out there will accept/love me for me, warts and all. Preferrably not broken. Even as I type this there is a part of me laughing it ass off, saying it's not likely. I wonder how long I will keep this alive inside me before I conceed that there is always something I do or say wrong, that fucks things up. That this really is it. Forever is a nice fantasy and more suited to fairytales. The sad thing is I'm sort of looking forward to it. Then I won't give a shit, if someone can't handle me. I'll be able to say Fuck em' all and really mean it.

Missing You

Another one from back in the stone age!

I miss your face
I miss your style
You've been gone for a little while
You kept the pace
Went that extra mile
But most of all I miss your smile


I....miss....you
Nothing I can do
I just keep on missing you
Hey!
You're so far away
I just keep on...
Missing you

I know it's dead and gone
Sad but true
I was me and you were you
I should be moving on
But I'm still so blue
And it's so hard, releasing you

I....miss....you
Nothing I can do
I just keep on missing you
Hey!
You're so far away
I just keep on
Missing you

TD Strikes Again!!

Some people need to get a clue.

Wouldn't it be great if we could create a device that records every single action we take in our lives?? How our actions affect other lives as well. Something that just recorded how things took place. No bias, or favourtism. Just things in raw form.

Maybe then people would begin to see the destructive patterns in their own lives. And understand why people act or treat them the way they do. Perhaps people could come together and view things from the other persons point of view. Hopefully to gain some insight to the minds and feelings of every day average Joe. Learn compassion and empathy. Do things for others and not just looking out for number one.

Certain people need to reliase that their actions, especially repeated over a long period of time change how people perceive them. They lose the right to previlages formerly ascribed to them. And the sad thing is that they are incapable of seeing how they're own behavior has earned them such ire.

Teach Me to Cry

The day is done
Oh those tears why don't you come
I'm dry inside and out
All I do is scream and shout

I didn't think I didn't know
This is how you'd end the show
All those stories, all the lies
Now I wish that I could cry

Teach me to cry....
Sometimes I feel I just want to die
Teach me to cry....
Can someone out there help me to learn to cry
Whoa, oh, oh, teach me to cry

My eyes they burn
I wonder what it is they've got to gain
How I yearn
For someway to just unleash the pain

I wish I knew
Some magic words that I could say to you
There's been so few
Of the words that were - oh so true

Teach me to cry...
Sometimes I feel I just want to die
Teach me to cry...
Can someone out there help me to learn to cry
Whoa, oh, oh teach me to cry

You

You, opened my heart and eyes
You helped me touch the sky
You made me feel so good about me

You took me by my hand
And lead me like you can
You made me feel so free (like I should be)

So Now-
Where are we going now
I've got to know some-how
Where this life is taking us

You've, seen the good and bad
You've had all the things to have
You just see things...differently
I just wish you could see the things I see

Boo!!

Boo! Do I scare you (scare you)
Ooh! Gonna tear you (tear you)
In two- ooh woo ooh, in two- yeah-ah

When I come, to you at night
You're always putting up such a fight
Trying to figure out your head
Tell me, tell me- was it something I sa-id

Boo! Do I scare you (scare you)
Ooh! Wanna tear you (tear you)
In two- ooh woo ooh, in two- yeah-ah

Before you were my dream coming true
Now you're leavin me feeling so blue
Can't understand - why it's this way
Tell me, tell me- what can I say-ay

Boo! Do - I - Scare - You
Wan - na - Tear - You
In Two!!

Anger & Hatred

These next 4 posts are songs I wrote back in the stone age when I was a teenager, lol. Scary how something set to music seems to last in your memory.

Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides

Look out boy I've got your number
And that number's gonna be up
Ooh my anger feels like thunder
They won't know where that lightning struck

Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides

Thought you could get away
It'd be easy as pie
Well now it's my turn to play
There's no blue in that sky

Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides

Rant

This post will have no literary or poetic value what so ever. If that's what your are looking for then skip ahead to the next few posts. This is a purely selfish urge to do some unadulterated bitching. While I'm sure there are people who would pay lip service and offer an ear or shoulder, but no one can or really wants to help. So this is my fuckin' blog and and if you don't like what I have to say, don't read!!!!

And the hits they keep on coming. Seriously, how much more am I expected to take before I can just lose it and go koo koo?? I will honestly admit I'm pretty fuckin' close now. You know I can handle shit directed at me. I can learn to deal or accept. I don't have to like it, or want that, but ya know, life can really fuckin' suck. Beating a dead horse is a waste of time and just pisses the horse off. But then again the horse is dead so it doesn't really have much to say, does it??

Now you throw shit at someone I care about, then that's where I draw the line. I am learning that common courtesy is a lost art now days. And nobody's word means shit. Promises empty. I wish that they were soooo empty that they had no power to cause damage. But then that would not be my life would it??

A promise was made, and broken. How do you positively spin being stood up by ones own aunt. Shopping for a dress may seem trivial, but to her it's a major coup. The time arranged came and went. No call, message or communication of any kind. Already feeling like an outsider, and being treated like one by the man she still thinks of as dad. I worry that a little part of her has been broken. Yes, I know kids are resilient, but this is the age when pre-conceived notions are formed. This is the age where the shit that happens to them, leave lasting impressions.

This is the girl who was one vote away from being class Valedictorian. She has and uses more maturity than a good portion of the adults I know, how sad is that. And they treat her like this. My heart bleeds for her, knowing there is nothing I can do to help makes it worse. I worry about what she is going to take away from this. That your own "family" can't be counted on?? The people in her life aren't good for their word. That as a rule in general, people suck, unless there is something in it for themselves. People are selfish and are more or less looking out for number one. I'm sure not all people are like this, but I can only count a hand full I can honestly say I personally know that aren't. I'm going to take her to get her dress, because I understand how important it is to her. It doesn't matter that I don't have the extra money, what matters that she feels that she is worth the effort. Truth be told, she is more than deserving of this and more. On her big day I'm going to send her a dozen roses, dark red (her favourite colour). Every girl should get roses on special day.

Yes it does seem like I am trying to make up for other peoples crap, but I wonder how much this really has to do with me and not her. I hate that she is paying for things I've done or am doing. We care and value others more than we do ourselves, which is why the quickest way to hurt us is to hurt someone we love. I made her a promise that this would never happen again. Never again will I allow someone else the responsibility of doing for mine. I will be the one to do whatever is necessary, regardless of who offers. I expect to be regarded as stubborn and standoffish, but at least I know no one will get hurt and it WILL get done.

Sadly this is just one more example of unnecessary meanness and exclusion I am doing my damnedest to keep her from. People can be cruel, this fact is true, but she is to young to become the cynic I am

I never, for one moment, thought that either of the poems you wrote had anything to do with me. "Oblivious to the present" is a dead give away. I complimented your pieces and wrote something in response to how they spoke to me. You are reading way too much into it.

I need to understand, I have to learn...if I used either of those phrases on you you tell me that that you are who you are, or it's just a part of you. Guess what it goes both ways. Yes I have a need for definitive answers, I don't have the luxury of living on a whim. But you already knew that. On other things I usually try to explain where I'm coming from. Try to understand the other persons side.

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. If you feel dead on the inside, you start to wonder if you're dead on the outside too. I just chose a more direct and violent way of proving I wasn't.

"I never wanted to make you feel this way, and I won't ever make you feel this way again" You cannot change the way I do or do not feel. Anymore than I am responsible for your "losing it" or being angered easily. That is what I meant when I said you can't control... Not the literal definition of control. That is not your way.

What friggin' "ton of responsibilities??" I don't remember inviting you to dinner, or asking you to have or accept any form of responsibility where my family is concerned. Yes, you chatted online with my oldest and yes, you two appear to have similar interests. We even toyed with the idea of an intro. But I made it crystal clear that as far as I was concerned my home life and my social life would stay separate.

I have made more than one attempt to get in touch with you, to try and talk and sort things out. Obviously you are the one who is mad and you are the one who is not talking to me. Since you won't chat with me, tell me why it is you are so angry, you're right it's not much of a relationship. All I asked for was a chance to be with you, have I even been given that? Maybe my sister is right, perhaps I expect too much.

For someone who prefers to have fun and live on a whim, you sure worry a lot about the future. Yeah I joke about babies and marriage but right now I'm about as open to that as I would be severing my own arm.

As to your point of view, I have said on more than one occassion that I have been told that no one is going to want to be with a woman with 3 children at my age. I asked you why the hell you were interested. You said "maybe I just want to be part of your life." Have I considered that your family life and mine differ big time, yes. Even you said you were surprised I hung in so long. The fact that you really aren't close with anyone factored greatly into it. But you still seemed to enjoy spending time or chatting with me.

That's it for me, I disputed what I felt necessary and said whatever else I had to say.

p.s Glad to see you're writing.

HE

He loses it
Loud words pour
Forth from him
A crumb of anger, confusion, pain - released

He hides
Not able to face
Old wounds and new
Self castigates, goinging deeper inside himself

He writes
Perhaps the darkness
Within him
Will find a voice and be heard

He struggles,
Feeling empty, alone
Shamed
Pushes all who care away

He escapes
Into the high of chemicals
Unawareness
No more anger, confusion, pain

I Accept!!!

I will take you up on your offer to "smack the ever living shit out of you" Partially because I kinda feel like you owe me. And partially becuz it might actually help me feel better.

Yup, you acted like an ass. Ordinarily I don't observe that behavior in you. Even the bartender said that you were a really good guy and you must have been pretty upset. Congratulations....You're human!!!! Just like the rest of us. So avoiding places and not doing things you enjoy because a handful of people saw you act like a dumbass is ludicrous. It also makes the event a lot bigger of a deal than it was. Kinda smacks of touch cowardly

You know something, you're right. "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it. (Maybe if it's done on bended knees with a little grovelling thrown in for good measure??) But it's a start. At the very least it's good manners, something you pride yourself on having. You don't decide to throw away something that has made you happy because you get drunk and stupid. And yes whether you want to admit it or not I have put a smile on your face more than once. You deal with it then you get over it.

On a side note, you think I'M kinky??? I'm listening to CSI, and people get off on dressing up in animal costumes (mascot style) and yiff (dry hump)in a fur pile until they cum. Even I'M not THAT twisted. Ewwwwwwww.

The hollowness I can't help you with for 2 very good reasons. One you won't let me or anyone for that matter. And two because it's something you either deal with or live with. I know you don't believe me but I know that emptiness to the point where I have virtually destroyed my pinky knuckle punching brick walls just to see if I do feel anything. I still go thru periods of it, but my drugs help to correct that. Probably why I get so emotional when I drink, it says alcohol will intensify the effect right on the bottle, lol.

You have no control over what I feel, so you can't make any claims to what happens in the future. Yeah we got into it, quite nicely I might add, but such is the nature of all relationships. And the first real fight always seems worse than it really is. One thing I might point out is that even while you were yelling at me, I wasn't afraid of you. That's an odd reaction for me, drunk or sober.

So if you tell me that, you no longer like talking with me. My company isn't desirable to you. And you do not enjoy being with me. And you don't like reading my blogs. Then tell me to my face and I will leave you be. To the best of my ability, anyway. I can't change how I feel, and you certainly didn't, so unless told otherwise, you're stuck with me. And the only major grievance I have is your fb status still says you're single!!

So you better drop by tomorrow night cuz I am super nervous about running the Sing 2 Win thing and the fact that Manny is muttering threats about cancelling the gig. I could really use your support.

Everything I May Need to Know about Life, I'm Learning from my Hamster

I'm watching the hamster, running in her wheel. Getting no where fast. And I'm struck how that very thought seems to apply my life. Round and round and round the blue wheel turns. Going a mile a minute, yet stuck in the very same place. Stopping every minute or so to catch her breath then she starts up again. I wonder if each time she begins to run, does she think that something different may happen from the last umteenth time she ran. Or does she realise that no matter how fast she runs it never changes.

I glance over and notice that she is running in the opposite direction. Change is good, keeps life fresh and interesting. Then I look again, and she's back to running the her usual way. I guess old habits die hard. We're all creatures of habit. Change sometimes being excruiciating and difficult. And just plain impossible for some.

I'm still watching the hamster and thinking that she might be the wisest one of all. She has everything she needs, food, water, someone to clean her cage. And periods of excitement and exploration when she's in her ball. And she bites you when you get too close to her. Fear causes her to react so, not knowing if the person is going to harm or help her. She doesn't descriminate, she bites everyone.

At the end of the day, she cleans herself and builds up her cozy nest. Curls into a little ball and goes to sleep. She appears to be happy. Gobbles up the odd tidbits of fruit or what not we give her. Seems to enjoy being talked to, will even smell you. But I must confess I am afraid to put my hand too near her. Maybe that makes me a bit of a coward but, biting hurts, more than I thought those sharp little teeth could. And she's already bit me once.