Guys Suck Monkey Balls!!!

Life is a journey of self aware, self discovery and self defeating experiences. There are times when you are, just along for the ride, leading the pack or shouting "Stop the bus...I wanna get off!" I'm going to share a little of my lessons learned as it pertains to all three.

Guys don't or can't cum when excessively drunk and high. I'm starting with this one because it really bothered me. My first experiences lead me to believe I was the cause of the non finishing. I was seriously starting to doubt my abilities as a woman and really obsessed over what the hell I was doing wrong. Not by and word or deed on the guys part. We females are just like that, and if you don't give us a heads up we automatically assume blame. Thankfully (for my self-esteem) secondary experiences proved otherwise. It really wasn't me. Sad to say I felt more relief than guilty this time round.

Regardless of any similarities, a new guy cannot and will not help you move on from another. If anything it will make things worse. You find yourself mentally comparing the two and one always comes up short. No matter how hard you try, his touch just won't be the same....he won't inspire the same thrilling feelings. On top of which you start to feel guilty on all fronts. One, like you are cheating, even though you are not. Well yourself perhaps? You aren't giving new guy a fair shake. And when it comes down to it you really are wasting time on something that isn't going to work. Which inevitably makes new guy - rebound guy. Ironic how that worked out!

I once told someone that I was used to being alone, I had been for years now. I was trying to illustrate that I don't invite people to do stuff because I'm feeling lonely. There are times I quite enjoy having no one around and get irritated when someone interrupts. I do not need to be out and about all the time. Instead of taking my point, they went in a completely other direction. They said that it was sad I was used to being alone. I had been married up until recently. That was a bit like having cold water thrown in my face. But then it occurred to me this person had no idea what my life was really like. That being the head of a household, single mother, bills to pay, loads of day to day stuff that was required tends to make you crave being left to yourself. That all I really miss being by myself is someone to snuggle and relax with. Being held on a particularly bad day. OK and a person to shovel the driveway and cut the grass too.

Lying to yourself is probably not healthy. Not being able to look yourself in the mirror is worse. I had become very good at lying to myself, and turning away from that which I found too exhausting anything about. It really is true that if you don't care enought to fight over it, you don't care. The truth will always come to smack you in the face. My truth came in the form of my youngest at 4 years old informing her 6 yr old sister that daddy "was at the bar". I always used the same excuses he gave me....going to get gas or heading to the reserve for cigarettes. I knew better, but didn't want the kids to know. Why is something I didn't want to look too closely at.

Learning to recognize this pattern is something I've recently mastered. For the past couple of months I started lying to myself again on another matter. Granted initially it was a way to cope with pain, but I got so good, I managed to convince myself I was A-OK, moving forward in life and all the good stuff that came with it. Realizing a while ago if I want to keep things quiet, on some level I wanted to hide something. When that finally makes my conscious mind is when I have trouble looking in the mirror. That's not right, at least for me. I choose to be open and honest with people. Even when they wish I would shut up. If I feel I can't be honest about something then it's not for me. Something new I am going to live by.

Returning to a high school mentality in "dating" is sad. And I am not bothering with it. OK and I get bored easily, as I am finding out again. LMAO, that hasn't happened to me since.....High School!!! So I am going to sit back, relax and do my own thing. Have a little fun here and there, but enjoy just being me. That ought to cause some trouble....he he he

Honourable mention, in that you will meet people in life that will touch you in ways no one else has. Usually you find that they have showed you something about yourself you needed to learn. Or remember. They make you smile, frustrate you, turn you on, drive you crazy, make you laugh and cry. They stimulate you on all levels. They are the one's that when you are old and can't remember your own name you will recall in 3D High Def Clarity. This is the type of person I want in my life for me. Happy Ever After sounds good but will become boring! So now that I know what I want, accepting anything less would be an insult.

After thought: Maybe guys don't suck monkey balls, I've just been settling for less than I want. Hmmm....Another Lesson Learned!!!

"Sleep those little slices of Death. Oh , how I Loathe them" Edgar Allen Poe

Not mine, but a phrase that has been plaguing me the last little while. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me I need to put some things to rest. Or I need to renew my love of horror flicks. Or I need to stop frigging myself. A woman's orgasm in french can be referred to as le petit mort...little death. Oops...wrong blog!!

I've finished making lunches, tidied up some of the never ending mess that seems to grow each day. Trying to not think about....about everything. Trying not to worry, but already making mental plans should the need arise.

Wonder if the testing will hurt overly...I don't think injecting me with saline will, but the ultrasound- definitely will be uncomfortable. They have to press hard to get a clear image through the ribcage, then move it around to get the best angle. For me that means I'll be lots of pretty colours when they're done. Amazing it doesn't bother me much that I get to go topless in front of a complete stranger. People are people regardless of what profession they are in, so the fact that they are medical personnel never really offered me that comfort state of mind of being sans clothes. Granted that may change as the centre gets nearer.


I am going to the S.P.A.R.C. That stands for the "Stroke Prevention Atherosclerosis Centre". Not too sure what Atherosclerosis is but I understand "stroke prevention". Wonder if I should inquire where they were about a year ago when I needed them. Maybe not, I didn't even know I had a stroke until after I survived it.

And it is at this centre I will be having a "Bubble Test". Yep you read that right a bubble test. I am going all the way to London so they can test my ability to blow Bubbles!! LOL All kidding aside that is the name of the test. The "bubble" refers to the saline they will inject into me. It will help the tech get a much clearer image of my heart and it's valves. It should be able to detect whether or not there are any irregularities or malformations. One or more of these could be responsible for whatever blocked off a pathway preventing blood from getting to a part of my brain.

Here's the kicker, I don't know whether to hope they find something or not. If they find something, it could mean scary ass surgery to correct or replace the problem. If they find nothing then it's more tests to see what caused the stroke. Oh goody! Either way it feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I can't decide if I should laugh, cry or just lose my mind...what little is left of it. I am grateful my boss is taking me and not my mum. Lord knows I love the lady, but she gets frustrated and agitated when she doesn't know where she's going. My patience might wear thin, which would not be good for.....her. Besides if I do lose it, he won't molly coddle me and say every things going to be just fine, I don't need to worry blah blah blah. He'll let me do my thing and give me a hug when I'm done. Sometimes guys are better for some things. But don't quote me, cuz I'll deny it!!!

So I suffer chronic exaberated migraine headaches, that they are testing my heart for. And in a weird way it does make sense as all the major organs and systems are interconnected. Who knows maybe you really can be heartbroken??

Hoping I was Wrong.....

I sat and watched her face as she absorbed the news. The information I'd been hanging on to for the weekend, but the subject came up. So I let it out.
A wash of differing emotions crossed her face. First- shock, pain. Then resignation and finally a disappointed acceptance.
For two days I carried the knowledge of just how small minded, mean and petty a person can be. How some people cannot see past their own personal feelings. Would rather continue a cycle that now appears never ending.
Christmas gifts purchased for her younger brother and sister, returned....still wrapped, unopened. Carefully selected items, as one is still an infant, to let her siblings know that she still loved them. Even if she didn't see them. She thinks of them every day.
Left in a bag between two doors, after school commenced Monday morning. Vindictive enough to drive over to leave them but not the courage to return them in person.
As I consider this, I watch mutely as her eyes take on a sheen of unshed tears. Racking my brain for something soothing, comforting to say...but nothing comes. What do you say to a slap in the face as such. Stubborn as she is, she refuses to give in to the tears.
In many ways I am proud of her. And in twice as many my heart aches for her. He is acting like a petulant child denied his own way, and she the tough loving parent who stays the course of her beliefs.
I fear for how this will end. The effort he will make to try and stay connected to her siblings. The siblings he is turning into pawns, with holding them to punish her for his perception of how she has wronged him.
I fear the excuses and lies he will tell his children, to justify his actions. And their belief in him. How it will shape their idea of her. I see this weighing heavily on her heart.

I watch this happening and I keep wondering who is the parent and who is the child?? The "parent" is 36 years old. The "child" is 14 years old.