Written after a particularly bad week of Death, almost Dying and Games from the Living who forget that people are not pieces on a board. Or maybe they just never learned to begin with.

Sad, I am @ the height of my creativity when I feel utterly alone and empty.


Escape, escape. What a fool I am.
Thinking the stresses could be forgotten
With a few hours of fun.
Worse so as the ones that matters most
Take precedence in my effort to forget.

Does he know, does he understand?
The kind of pressure I'm under
Does he know, does he understand?
How much I love him, how much I've given
Does he comprehend my fear...can he??

I'm embarrassing, I'm disgusting, I'm vile
Words spoken when I've let something else
Erode my walls.
I did not choose to be thus. But know
No other way to be.

Trust no other way to be.
I'm trying to be strong
I'm trying to make things easy
So the burden is lifted
Should our paths separate

I have only wanted
What was in your best interest

Perspective...and Putting Things There In

OK, so I'm lucky to be alive!! (Crowd goes wild) My mother mentally occupied by something else mistakes a green light for an advanced green and turns left.....into oncoming traffic! Screeching of brakes ensues, horn blares. Mums repeating I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Meanwhile I am looking at the bumper of the other car. Which is less than a foot away from my door. Heart pounding a mile a minute, I'm mentally thanking the powers that be that the other car wasn't going faster. All of this on the way home from a Memorial Service.
Needless to say I'm going to be changing my shorts when I get home. I do try to persuade mum to let me drive but she refuses saying that has never happened to her before and that she's fine. I'm not going to distract her further by arguing but do make a mental note to drive from now on.
So we make it home, safe and sound but my mind is still racing. Unlike my heart which had settled into a dull thudding pattern. About a good million, million and one thoughts just popping up questioning why haven't I done this or done that. Now I am stuck with the holy crap what a freakin' mess everything would have been.
I am imagining just how much fun things would be. My ex not only getting custody of my kids but inheriting everything too. Oh HELL NO!!!!! So of course I called the lawyers and arranged for an appointment to change my will.
But there were other things in my life that feel up in the air that are just as important to me. I want to be happy, but don't we all?? I've wanted to go to Wales, the birth place of my great grandparents and see Cardiff Castle where they met. And to Pontypridd, also Wales, where my grandfather was born. the story goes that after emigrating to Canada, my great grandfather managed to gamble the house away forcing him to take himself and his family back to Wales. My grandmother missed Hamilton (Ontario) sooo much that after he was born, she gave my grandfather the middle name of Hamilton. Just one of the things I've wanted to do but didn't think would ever really happen. But now seem like it would be something I would regret later in life. So I am resolving to begin working on this and other goals.
One of the interesting things I found today was that whole "life flashes before your eyes" didn't happen. Everything seemed to happen so fast that if was more like "Oh you gotta be effin' kidding me!"

Cheers!