Sorting Thru Things

Things are finally coming to a close. I should be on Cloud 9, should be jumping for joy. Yet as the end becomes nearer, I have the urge to find a rock to crawl under. The feeling becoming stronger and stronger. And if I wasn't already on meds I'd worry about depression.

So the next logical hypothesis is unresolved issues. the last ten and a half months have been excruciatingly drawn out. A lot of unnecessary conflict born of anger and spite. I really wish I could say I'm coming out of this older and wiser. In reality I feel younger and dumber

Twelve years of my life. More than a decade....gone, never to recapture. Wasted years?? Perhaps the last few. Overall I choose to believe not entirely. I did get two more beautiful girls.

And while I was raising these beautiful girls, where was the other contributor. Consider this the first unresolved issue.

Let me recount the excuses I would give to people over the years."He'll be home soon, he just has to make a quick stop to pick something up." "I'd rather he go for a couple of beers after work then come home and be miserable to me and the girls." "He had to go to the reserve for cigarettes." After time they became: "He's at his favourite hangout." and "Three guesses, first one gets him a beer." I knew that something had to change when my youngest at 4 years old could tell me "oh - he's at the bar." The last two to three years of our marriage went like this for him. Work, bar, home for dinner with a 950ml can of beer, watch TV, say good night to the girls then back to the bar. I am angry with myself for taking the easy way out and only bitching when it got bad. Then it would tone down for a week or two then gradually start up again. For making excuses in the first place. It became easier to not bother arguing, less stress and frustration. Easier for me, and easier on the kids.

Why did I put up with this?? Issue #2.

He rather enjoyed extolling all the things he didn't do. He didn't abuse me or screw around. He's never asked me to get a job. He's never given me a hard time about my headaches, nor has he held it against me. This is what he did do. We had a nice house. The bills were paid. We ate relatively well. He works hard for his family, he does everything for his family....so we have some credit card debt, who doesn't?? So he likes his beer, he's earned it, right?? He's giving me a pretty good life, didn't he?? Who was I to complain?? I had it better than a lot of people we knew.

That facade became harder and harder to swallow when the girls were old enough and I started going to the bar with him. Things were fine til it turned out people actually started to like me....for me. I started wanting some semblance of a life, away from home. In 8 years of marriage, 9 together, there were never any real issues with jealousy. But then again I only went out to his Christmas parties or we went to his favourite bar for karaoke. He enjoyed showing me off at both places.

Then I started wanting to go out more often, and I started chatting with people on facebook. Mostly people I had met out at karaoke. He started not wanting to go to karaoke as often. If I had a headache he'd go. But if he wasn't in the mood, we didn't go. He didn't like how I acted when I drank. He started blaming me for things his past girlfriends did to him. Suddenly I have to prove MY loyalty. I don't know when it started but I started censoring what I said or did if he was within earshot. I knew he wouldn't say anything until we got into the van and then he'd start in again about something. It was my fault some drunken idiot complimented my boobs. The funny thing is he always turned it around so it was about him. If they respected him they wouldn't say that.

It is said that a person is often accused of behaviors the accuser is themselves guilty of. While I try not to dwell too much on that, it certainly would explain a lot. Especially when he asked me if there was someone else....twice. Yelling matches, trying to control my "bad" behaviour when we did go out. His increasing time at the bar. The shit load of crap I got for wanting to go on a girls night out. Not wanting me to work when there was a job opportunity. When I was offered a job, he started planning how I would do my job. And that I would refuse to allow someone to sing if they got too flirty with me.

Then he started bragging that he would be the only husband/boyfriend that didn't attend his other half's gigs. I was extremely grateful. I would be nervous enough without having to worry about what kind of trouble I'd be in when I got home for doing my job, to his disapproval. But now?? Now that we have ended the marriage, much of if not all of the upset about that primarily had to do with money.

I once thought that a man crying and begging me not to leave him was the height of pathetic and a sign of an extremely weak character. Now I realise that however short our time together was, he did care enough to do almost anything to save the relationship.

"My wife IS my Life, I Love my Life." "I am only getting married once. Something happens to you that's it for me." Funny how that goes, he didn't even try fix things. I hurt him sooo bad, breaking his heart. Yet the only things he fought for was what he thought I was taking away from him. HIS house, HIS money, HIS kids. In all that time, I did nothing. I contributed nothing. I had no right to try and take anything from him. I deserved nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, I had no wish for him to to make some grand effort to save our marriage. After all the blithering and wounded puppy dog behaviour, the fact that I didn't even rate a half assed attempt then compounded with he was dating and out regularily with said person not even two months of the split, makes you question your value in life. Not to mention my confidence level. No wonder people looked at me funny when Brooks EZ closed and I started going to Joe's again. I thought it was him talking trash about me, perhaps I wasn't entirely incorrect and people were wondering how i would react to his new flame?? When I finally started to see that the hurt looks and "I just can't be here" was nothing more than an act. I started getting my shit together. OK that and finding out a within a week he already broke his word to settle things between ourselves.

He lawyered up. At the time I was feeling very angry and betrayed, I still believed his word was good. Now I am happy he did, it was the best thing he could have done for me. Part of getting paperwork in order I started seeing money discrepancies. What I found more intriguing was the money transfers to an account I had no access to. I had thought it was a credit card bill coming from the other bank when in fact it was a statement.

I think I may have fucked up his plans, by beating him to the punch. Let's break this down a little. We have money going into another bank account, is lawyer shopping less than a week of break up. seeing someone (officially?) within months and is now living with and engaged to be married during the year we have to be apart to file for irreconcilable differences. I do believe I was being set up to be pooch fucked. With him having his cake and eating it too....Only I messed up the timeline and ended things too early. Why would he be upset and broken hearted if he was already planning to do the same thing.

I may have fucked up his plans but mum and the legal system really fucked with his plans. Not only was the house not being sold, now there was a suit filed against the house. Which renders it virtually unsellable. On top of that I was entitled to so many things, including a large cash payment. That's when he got upset for real.

Because of the person I am I wanted things done quickly and as painless as possible for my children. But things just kept getting dragged out. With him going at me at every turn, until I gave him something he really wanted.....money. If I am ever asked how much 12 years of my life was worth I will be able to tell them. Sixteen thousand, one hundred ninety nine dollars. There is a part of me that feels like I am rewarding him for lying to me. That the bs he fed me was true, and I really should have been grateful for what I had. That I am the person he wants people to believe I am, at least when he thinks I don't hear about it.

I wonder how did things get that way?? Is there some grain of truth in his lies?? No one wants to feel like this. It's a really sucking relentless feeling that drains a person.

And I do believe that unwittingly I have been misdirecting my anger and insecurities at another person. One that definitely does not deserve it. He deserves much better. This person has been a great friend to me. And has told me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. Especially when I did not want to hear it. I have started taking steps to put an end to that. I need to direct and acknowledge my issues for what they are, the good, bad and ugly. Although I will still hate it when he's right or gets me going.

So where do I go from here?? I will sign papers that will execute my Separation Agreement and eventually Divorce papers. I will do my best by word and deed to keep from my younger girls the true nature of the "lying sac of shit" their father is. Until they figure it out for themselves, then I will be there to tell them it's not their fault.

As for me, that will be tougher to figure out. The situation being what it is, I don't believe a social life will be much of a burden for me. Outside of work that is. With luck and improving my hosting skills I will increase the number of gig's I have and enjoy a bit of a life. One thing I will be most valiantly working on is to NOT tar every male I come across with the same brush. There are some good ones out there. I hope.

It's happened

My heart is broken

My soul is shattered

Should have known

Choices made

Not with me

I see no point to further rederick

Mine eyes are open

Rose coloured glasses removed

Complete utter clarity

Shame of being the fool

Wasted time trying

For something only I

Was invested in

Wishful thinking

Hoping for.....something

My mistake

Like the weather outside
My mood is grey, cloudy, stormy
My physical being lethargic
Tired beyond caring about much

My mental self like a disco ball
Fragments of light everywhere
Instead of light each point
Represents parts of my mentality

As the ball turns
Different feelings experiences
Highlighted, inner turmoil
Bubbles forth

Outrage, pain, anger
Tears of frustration
Doing my best
Always coming up short

Exhausted am I
Too tired to try
Too tired to care
Fuck it all....I'm done.

Angry words, that look in your eyes
Fly like glass, razor sharp
Piercing open parts of me
Running rivulets of blood

Drops fall off finger tips
Splattering the ground
Pieces of heated silicon
Embedded in flesh

Seared to memory
Blood so dark, almost black
Like the white hot chill
Knifes thru your body

Too tired to remove them
Knowing I can't leave them in
To rot and fester
Into puling pestule's of pus and filth

Shaking, blood crusted hands
I pick each out
One by agonising one
Each shard it's own bit of ugly

Crawling with vicious ire
Nasty desire to wound and hurt
Candy ass cowardice
The urge to beat me down

I sit down
And I'm staying down

More Stress, Frustration and of course Bitching

It never ceases to amaze me, how just when I think I got a handle on things, BAM!!! Curve ball right between the eyes.

Do people honestly think I don't have enuff to deal with on a day to day basis that they need to add more stress and bullshit to my life?? Even if we are just shooting our mouth off, trying to be someone we're not. They really should pay attention to their surroundings, or more specifically who is in said surroundings.

But their stupidity is my blessing. And my heads up. Evil plotting demands careful preparation and retribution. I may have been easy going for the sake of facilitating the process smoothly, but Buddy....you have crossed the line. There are just some people who need to hit over the head with a baseball bat before they smarten up.

If overheard plotting comes to fruition, I will make you wish you'd never met me. It will cost you more than money. And eventually I might be able to feel pity for the sad part....you did this to yourself!

Munchkin

There you lie
Sprawled on your back
Your cherub face awash with sleep

The sun streams into my room
As I listen to you merrily chat
To your envisioned playmates

Your face lights up
When I open your bedroom door
And greet you "Good Morning"

We play on the swings
With your grin ear to ear
Laughter tinkling down like waterfalls

Sleepily you rub your eyes
And coo when I give you a bottle
Nary a peep is heard hence

You crawl and you toddle
And you turn on the charm
You can be such a character

You are the sunshine after the rain
An absolute angel.....
My little Munchie!

This was submitted for a contest and possibly published. Written when my oldest was about a year and a half.

Forecast

When the weather says:

80% chance of showers
you grab your umbrella

80% chance of flurries
you grab your hat and scarf

80% chance of clear skies and warm temperatures
you head to the beach

The forecast for Monday August 28th, 1995 is an 80% chance for a girl with 20% chance of a boy. The weather is expected to co-operate!!


First ultrasound with my oldest pegged her as a girl....good guess! Note the date, boy was she late!!!

The New Dawn

The dawn breaks
Gone is the enveloping blackness of night
The day is but new

The slate has been erased
So we can begin again
Fresh and clean

The yesterday's of mistakes
Are but a distant memory
Of pain and sorrow

Yet can be reflected upon
As an example
Of learning and not repeat

Nothing is ever what it seems
And everything has hidden meanings
So be on guard

Beware of yourself
And of others
For we never know what lies ahead

But always try to remember
Life proceeds as it should
With each early dawn comes something new

If I.....

If I must be free
then let me grow

If I must flee
then let me go

If I must grow
then let me flower

If I must go
then give me power

If I must flower
then let me feed

If I must use power
then be my seed

If I must feed
then quench my thirst

If I must seed
then be my first

If I've no thirst
let me wither and die

If you've been my first
see me in the sky


Must have been in a very weird mood.