Do I have "Idiot" written across my forehead??
Perhaps "Lie to Me" instead.
No?? Are you sure...look harder.
There must be some kind of mistake-
Cuz I could swear-
I must be wearing some sign that says:
"Bullshit me, Please!!" I like nothing better
With the snow jobs I've gotten this week
I must look like a sucker
Or exceedingly gullible
Either way, it indicates a lack of intelligence
And THAT pisses me off!!
How sad is it
When you have to start to question the motives
Of everyone in your life?
The world really is going to Hell in a hand basket!
It is 3:41am and all I can think about is how much things suck right now.
And how tired I am
How very much I want to not care
Say "Fuck it all"
But I do and I can't
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Venting, Bitching with a Cause
It's been kind of a crappy week, the following the cause of majority of my stress.
There is an interval expected evolution of area of laminar necrosis and atrophy from prior infarct at the junction.......
The first line in the summary from my latest MRI scan. For all of you wondering just what the fuck that means, and yeah that did include me, here is a quick lesson.
Laminar Necrosis: a.k.a Cortical Laminar Necrosis: the destruction of one or more of the 6 layers of the cerebral cortex. The third layer being most vulnerable.
Cerebral Cortex: the layer of gray matter of the brain. It is responsible for memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thought, language and consciousness.
Atrophy: specifically cerebral, loss of neurons and connections between them. An area deprived of blood or oxygen resulting in the wasting away and/or shrinking of the area affected. Results in decreased or loss of function of that area of the brain.
Infarction a.k.a Infarct: Stroke. Two types being: Hemorrhagic, bleeding into the brain. Ischemic: a clot or some other form of blockage prevents blood from getting to area's of the brain.
OK so now that we're all on the same page, I had the latter. Relatively speaking of the two, that's the one you want. Bleeding into the brain causes more damage and usually leads to a vegetative state or death. I left out the rest of the sentence as it is very specific to exactly where the atrophy is. In a nutshell it's in the general area of the top,right, front area of my brain. The findings are consistent with a prior infarct but not specific for a migraine infarct.
I had a stroke, but not specifically a migraine stroke, but most likely migraine induced. Hold on a second here.......migraines can cause stroke??? When the hell did that happen?? Why didn't anyone give me a heads up?? Cue cheesy "aha!" music...Gotta love Google. Apparently studies have been taking place for the last 15 years in regards to chronic migraine headaches and stroke. Taking into consideration how unlikely it is for women under the age of 40 to 45 to have a stroke, you'd think they make this info more readily available to people. Then again only about 10% of the population suffer to this degree. And most are female.
On a positive note, there has been a resolution of the punctate foci that appeared on the MRI scan taken in 2008. Punctate foci is a really cool way of saying lesions and I'm still trying to find a definition of "resolution". Now when you get a lesion or cut on the outside of the body, resolving it would generally mean that it healed. The older you get the more chance of a lasting scar. Common sense suggests that this could to a degree apply to the inside, but more research into this is called for.
Taking all things into consideration, some serious decisions have to be made. Thankfully the "infarct" affected the right side of my brain and not the logical left side. I need to revise my will, just in case. I also want to start putting money into a fund for me or my girls. Taking into account that I have lived with all these fun and games for about a year. The chances of a recurrence diminish after 12 months. But I do believe in being prepared.
Now begs the ultimate question.....how am I doing with all this. Shock, anger, heartache, fear, despair, frustration......
Seriously - how fucking scary is this?? Rationally I know it's been a year, I've already survived it. And it does explain why my balance sucks, why I'm a wee bit of a klutz. But knowing, that a part of my brain is for all intents and purposes -dead, just screws with you. It's very surreal, like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. Fact is stranger than fiction.
To be honest I'm fuckin' terrified. Worrying about every headache being more than a headache. Didn't tell anyone until today, part of me thinking if I didn't say it out loud it wouldn't be real. But it is. So I told someone. The response was somewhat to be expected, but then again I kept making "damaged" jokes too. Trust me this definitely gives a whole new meaning to the word. The jokes weren't funny but I'd rather laugh then cry. Done a good share of that too!
It's true, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Or perceived as gone. One of the things that really pisses me off is how old I am, or in this case am not. I have days where I feel older than Methuselah. Tripped down the aisle to divorced bliss coming up on twice. Three beautiful girls. I own my house. Well me and the trust company. Most people are just getting to this point at my age. But now I'm thinking "that's it"?? I have things other people are still working for in life. So it should be all good if God decides to throw some shit my way. Sorry peoples, I'm going to be a little selfish here, so bear with me. Where the frig is my happily ever after?? I want the fairy tale!! The knight in shining armour. The kick ass steady job, I love. The birds chirping, woodland animals dancing while I sing. The huge castle, that I'm NOT cleaning. Or at the very least a vacation to the United Kingdom, they have castles too! Hell I've already had the Evil Step Mother, I'm already ahead of the game!! Seriously, I want it all. Within reason of course.
I just want to be happy. Ironic, they talk about the "Pursuit of Happiness", but nary a whisper about attaining it.
The part of all this I find the most comical is the "interval of expected evolution. What a phrase. Yeah I know, it's medical jargon. But still, it does conjure rater bizarre images. So I have atrophied brain tissue evolving?? Does this mean that part of my brain is turning into a zombie?? What happens when it gets hungry?? Or is it invading (infecting) surrounding tissue making it smarter?? Maybe that section will declare it's Independence and cause the first known case of a provable split personality. Hmmm, maybe not that much damage done?? After all, I still think I'm funny!!!
There is an interval expected evolution of area of laminar necrosis and atrophy from prior infarct at the junction.......
The first line in the summary from my latest MRI scan. For all of you wondering just what the fuck that means, and yeah that did include me, here is a quick lesson.
Laminar Necrosis: a.k.a Cortical Laminar Necrosis: the destruction of one or more of the 6 layers of the cerebral cortex. The third layer being most vulnerable.
Cerebral Cortex: the layer of gray matter of the brain. It is responsible for memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thought, language and consciousness.
Atrophy: specifically cerebral, loss of neurons and connections between them. An area deprived of blood or oxygen resulting in the wasting away and/or shrinking of the area affected. Results in decreased or loss of function of that area of the brain.
Infarction a.k.a Infarct: Stroke. Two types being: Hemorrhagic, bleeding into the brain. Ischemic: a clot or some other form of blockage prevents blood from getting to area's of the brain.
OK so now that we're all on the same page, I had the latter. Relatively speaking of the two, that's the one you want. Bleeding into the brain causes more damage and usually leads to a vegetative state or death. I left out the rest of the sentence as it is very specific to exactly where the atrophy is. In a nutshell it's in the general area of the top,right, front area of my brain. The findings are consistent with a prior infarct but not specific for a migraine infarct.
I had a stroke, but not specifically a migraine stroke, but most likely migraine induced. Hold on a second here.......migraines can cause stroke??? When the hell did that happen?? Why didn't anyone give me a heads up?? Cue cheesy "aha!" music...Gotta love Google. Apparently studies have been taking place for the last 15 years in regards to chronic migraine headaches and stroke. Taking into consideration how unlikely it is for women under the age of 40 to 45 to have a stroke, you'd think they make this info more readily available to people. Then again only about 10% of the population suffer to this degree. And most are female.
On a positive note, there has been a resolution of the punctate foci that appeared on the MRI scan taken in 2008. Punctate foci is a really cool way of saying lesions and I'm still trying to find a definition of "resolution". Now when you get a lesion or cut on the outside of the body, resolving it would generally mean that it healed. The older you get the more chance of a lasting scar. Common sense suggests that this could to a degree apply to the inside, but more research into this is called for.
Taking all things into consideration, some serious decisions have to be made. Thankfully the "infarct" affected the right side of my brain and not the logical left side. I need to revise my will, just in case. I also want to start putting money into a fund for me or my girls. Taking into account that I have lived with all these fun and games for about a year. The chances of a recurrence diminish after 12 months. But I do believe in being prepared.
Now begs the ultimate question.....how am I doing with all this. Shock, anger, heartache, fear, despair, frustration......
Seriously - how fucking scary is this?? Rationally I know it's been a year, I've already survived it. And it does explain why my balance sucks, why I'm a wee bit of a klutz. But knowing, that a part of my brain is for all intents and purposes -dead, just screws with you. It's very surreal, like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. Fact is stranger than fiction.
To be honest I'm fuckin' terrified. Worrying about every headache being more than a headache. Didn't tell anyone until today, part of me thinking if I didn't say it out loud it wouldn't be real. But it is. So I told someone. The response was somewhat to be expected, but then again I kept making "damaged" jokes too. Trust me this definitely gives a whole new meaning to the word. The jokes weren't funny but I'd rather laugh then cry. Done a good share of that too!
It's true, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Or perceived as gone. One of the things that really pisses me off is how old I am, or in this case am not. I have days where I feel older than Methuselah. Tripped down the aisle to divorced bliss coming up on twice. Three beautiful girls. I own my house. Well me and the trust company. Most people are just getting to this point at my age. But now I'm thinking "that's it"?? I have things other people are still working for in life. So it should be all good if God decides to throw some shit my way. Sorry peoples, I'm going to be a little selfish here, so bear with me. Where the frig is my happily ever after?? I want the fairy tale!! The knight in shining armour. The kick ass steady job, I love. The birds chirping, woodland animals dancing while I sing. The huge castle, that I'm NOT cleaning. Or at the very least a vacation to the United Kingdom, they have castles too! Hell I've already had the Evil Step Mother, I'm already ahead of the game!! Seriously, I want it all. Within reason of course.
I just want to be happy. Ironic, they talk about the "Pursuit of Happiness", but nary a whisper about attaining it.
The part of all this I find the most comical is the "interval of expected evolution. What a phrase. Yeah I know, it's medical jargon. But still, it does conjure rater bizarre images. So I have atrophied brain tissue evolving?? Does this mean that part of my brain is turning into a zombie?? What happens when it gets hungry?? Or is it invading (infecting) surrounding tissue making it smarter?? Maybe that section will declare it's Independence and cause the first known case of a provable split personality. Hmmm, maybe not that much damage done?? After all, I still think I'm funny!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
in the absence of......
razors scraping at my insides
thorns rending flesh from bone
the very essence of me oozes and puddles
infinite abyss
endless, aching black void
having that which I never wanted.....hopelessness
thorns rending flesh from bone
the very essence of me oozes and puddles
infinite abyss
endless, aching black void
having that which I never wanted.....hopelessness
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