Liking My Perks

I think I am coming to understand the nature of addiction. The subtle allure of it. And how it starts.

I'm sitting here, listening to the quiet in my house. My girls are gone this weekend. I'm also watching TV, just hanging out at home. Doing some writing (other than this) and I remember there is a load in the dryer that needs folding.

I move the wrong way and fiery pain shoots high around my left side, above my breast and down my left arm. It's 2:12am, my sleep has been all over the place since I cracked my rib. If I'm lucky I can do 4 hour spurts until I wake up in pain. Time to take another perc. They don't take all the pain away, rather just dull it. Making it more bearable.

I have a sneaky suspicion that I have re-injured myself due to hauling equipment for work. Ordinarily I don't have any problems with this, but with the boss being on vacation and me subbing for him and a co-worker 2 nights in a row, meant hauling all the stuff myself. There and home. Usually the boss helps with the heavier stuff. But I did it!! All by myself and now require pain meds more that I would like.

Pharmacist says I can take up to 6 a day for pain management, Doctor said 2 max. I'm compromising on 3 to 4. The effects wear off too fast, especially for time release long lasting. Now this is only a 5mg dosage, but tonight I noticed something I had chalked up to the double rye and coke I would have at the start of my show. Then taking a pill halfway thru. I seemed to perk up a bit, none of the 1am getting run down feeling.

An hour goes by and I'm not in as much pain so I start folding laundry. Still twinges as I move but tolerable. I'm feeling better. Before I was missing my girls, ruminating on how sick of the bar scene I was getting. The shit-load of stuff I had to do tomorrow....then this beautiful, "up" feeling starts to blossom inside me. A nice pleasant emotion. In no way is it spacey or dozy but like a bit of a pick me up. And "Oh, do I like this!"

So, have I finally discovered the actual addictive side effects of narcotics?? I am on my second Rx for 50 tablets, the first one running out with only 30 tabs. Here's the scary thing. I can probably get another Rx at a higher dosage from my other Dr. for my migraines. Which btw I'm not noticing too much. The tripping over my own 2 feet is there, along with the flashing lights and minor nausea, but no pain.

So I'm thinking I should hope to heal fast, cuz I know how seductive that pick me up will become. Especially on a bad day that I have to work. And I know if I give in it will start taking more than 1 tablet to get that nice happy feeling. That's when you become hooked. And some days I just get soooo tired of being strong.

I'm hoping the effort it took typing this out will penetrate my sub-conscious and mentally smack me upside the head if I catch myself taking the pills for anything other than pain. If not then...."Catch ya on the Flipside!"

The Ex's

The last three weeks of my life have a complete and total mind fuck. The best description would be to invite you to look at a painting of Picasso. His work leaves you with the feeling of WTF and I don't get it.

This is where I sit now. Shaking my head and wondering just where their heads are at.

Starting with ex husband #1. This is the guy who's interest in his first born waxes and wanes with his moods. And when he does make the effort he expects instantaeous respect and obedience from her. While managing to make her feel like an unwanted outsider. Then suddenly due to circumstances changing in my life that affects his child and my other two. He has decided he want more access. He thinks he has gone out of his way to accommadate myself and his child. It is his right to see her. All the while making uncalled for remarks about my person in front of his child. It is his opinion that if she continues on the path she is currently treading she will be pregnant within a year. Of course this is all my fault. And he wonders why she doesn't want to visit with him.

Moving on to ex husband #2. It is ex's #1 assertation that #2 began an affair because I forced him into it, like I did with him. Yup I held a gun to both of their heads. While I can't prove that #2 was having an affair before we ended, they evidence suggests that there was indeed something going on. Now the break up between #2 and I has been nasty to put it politely. So when he is being nice and helpful, warning bells go off in my head. He doesn't want me going thru a government agency for support payments. He was trying his utmost best to convince me that there had to be a court order, and since there wasn't one, according to him he is not in arrears and is paying directly. They will laugh at me and ask why would I want to go thru them for my support. He seems to be ignoring the fact that our Agreement is a legal document and is completely enforeable. Which means the back dating of the Agreement to November of 2008, put's him into arrears for April, May, June, July and August to the tune of $4200.00. Hmmmm, no wonder he wants me to withdrawl.

And last but not least, although not a husband nor technically an ex. Running into each other at the same place as a regulars, hanging out a couple of times and only chatting if I started a conversation, doesn't qualify as a relationship. Friends that had the hots for each other maybe. I gave it my best shot for over 9 months. Understood you had moral conflicts. That you weren't comfortable with a relationship while #2 still technically hadn't moved out. OK I respected that. Then when I signed papers was the first time you came home with me. Then I went and did the girly thing and thought that we were finally a couple. You wanted to be with me. That went south. We eventually sorted things out and were intimate together another 4 times. Yet again the girl in me thought it meant something. You lost your job, I was dealing excess crap- you started pulling away. You seemed to prefer to hangout and smoke up.
My crap is finished, I basically blog if you are interested in making something of us then meet me for a beer. Easy out, no show -no go. You were a no show. I run into you and you act like I don't exist. Then I ask if we're still friends. You say that we both did what we never wanted to do, that our relationship became about sex, and that's not what you wanted. What are you supposed to do act like nothings happened, that we are both not upset or a little hurt? What relationship? If you were hurting, I meant a little something to you, then you talk to me. See where I'm at. Tell me where your at. I stopped asking you to do stuff cuz you always had plans with someone else, and you never asked me to do anything with you. I guess I just wasn't as much fun, your interest has obviously diminished - I hear you are looking elsewhere.

So like I said, the last three weeks have been a total and complete utter mind fuck. I guess the true measure of what you're worth is how people treat you. I wonder what conclusion I should draw from this, considering that in some cases I kept foolishly plugging away. I'm sure it will come as a relief to certain people that I will no longer be bothering them for anything.

Never to come First

Hot tears leak from my eyes
Big and fat, sliding silently down my cheeks
Mixed feelings of anguish and emptiness

Loathing and disgust over take my thoughts
Leaving a rancid taste in my mouth
Like bile vomited up

Self inflected and directed otherwise
Ignorant but not stupid, starting to get a real clue
Feeling every bit the fool I was, am and will be

Trusting the one person, who was supposed to be
My partner, my best friend, my lover, my confidant
Trust broken, trying to sift truth from the lies

Utter despair and disappointment
"Should of's" infecting my waking mind
Worrying I will never be able to make amends

Wasted time - wasted portion of my life
Keeping too many balls in the air to see
Too easily left behind, unnoticed.....unwanted

I let that be my life, regardless of what I wanted
I allowed that to happen not just to me but to my girls
I alone bear the blame and accept responsibility for my choices

Mulling Things Over That Roll Around in my Brain

"Am I to pretend like nothing happened. That we're both not upset and a little hurt?" **edited for context**

This has thought has been plaguing me.

You are an enigma, shrouded in mystery, wrapped in a puzzle and sealed with duct tape. You wear a "cool as a cucumber" mask. Coming across as infallible. With all the layers of defense you have built for yourself, it is hard to imagine that I might have managed to breech a few of them. But the look on your face Friday night is any indication, I did something. Why does it take me getting mad and mean before I get any clue into what you feel or think?? Getting a bead on you is damn near impossible - yet I keep trying. Why? Brings me to my next point.

I don't want you to pretend or forget anything. In fact I want you to remember!! I've seen your capacity to care. I do believe I've seen glimpse's of it directed at me. You may not have many true friends, but I bet you I could name the ones you'd drop everything to be there for. Your family may not be close but you do love them. I see this in things you do or say. The way you've worried about them.

Here are some of the things I want you to remember.

We would look everywhere else but at each other at Goodfellas

When we did, we'd kinda stare for a moment until one of us looked down or away.

Then we'd both be blushing, more noticeable on me.

Standing so close at Joe's that our hands we almost touching, then I moved my baby finger over yours

Chatting on FB, til I figured out MSN

The first time we kissed

And the second

And the third

You asked me what I was going to sing for you

When I was frustrated, wondering why you were even interested, you said "Maybe I just want to be part of your life"

That I really do think you are gorgeous inside and out

How I love picking on you

And how you love to get me going

You grin when I get within 2 feet of you

How much I love to see you smile

The way I fit in your arms

That you described my skin as "so soft"

That I tell you how good you smell every time I hug you hello

That I am as, if not more so, twisted than you

Why, when we weren't really talking, you wanted to and did buy my daughter a grad gift. (Which she is still reading and loving every minute of it.)

Cuddling on the couch

You rubbing my feet at Nate's

The way you put your forehead on mine and look into my eyes

Your arms around me

It's comedic irony, that I am finally free. Everything is settled, the previous person in my life has more than moved out and on. And here we are. Did you know you were the first person I msg'd when he finally moved. I thought great now we (you and me) can sit down and figure things out for real. Maybe I should have just asked you out to coffee. I did invite you to come out to celebrate with me. I'm done with celebrating. Money's all run out, and some hasn't even started to come in.

My daughter says I have the utmost patience for the littler ones, but none in any other aspect of my life. I expect that she is right. She is much smarter than I'll ever be. Maybe with time I will learn to have more patience.

In the meantime I wish to leave you with this. I was re-reading your blog, the last stanza of the one you left untitled goes "try to dig out substance, only to reach into the endless darkness, finding only nothingness." If you only reach out to the darkness, that is what you will receive in return. I feel compelled to suggest that you try reaching for the light. And by no means am I the light...I'm more varying shades of grey. The actually thought screaming thru my brain was. "Stop looking into the dark, reach for the light"

Cards On The Table

OK, I have this insane need to be clear. Probably because I find vague and indecisive a decidedly waste of time.

So....two way street?? WTF?? And I mean that for all the assumed wording that goes with the acronym.

I have a very vivid memory of walking home where I told you exactly how I feel. I do believe the words "in" and "love" were used in the same sentence. And I walked ahead of you to give you the chance to turn around and go the other way. Did you think that had changed?? Or do you find me that shallow as to think I would utter those words to any Tom, Dick or Harry??

And before you get your back up too much, try to remember I have always been upfront about what I think and feel. That hasn't changed, my actions may have.....but I can only ask or make comments so may times before I become defeated. Surprise!! I have pride too. That's what some of the comments were last night. I guess I wanted you to feel how I do. Like unless I was doing something of interest, you had better things to do. I'm not a mind reader and you're not giving away too much. I am btw, irritatingly single minded in my interests. I guess I thought that with things being resolved it would, idk, make a difference.

The whole distancing was me giving you space. I figured you'd be happier, give you time to sort things out job wise etc. Get shit together and deal with the bs from Hartman. I had my own crap to deal with and tried to not bug you with it. Yes I know you read my blogs, but I figured you viewed them objectively. OK, for the most part I did. For the record: yes most of my fantasy blog are written with you in mind. You're gonna hate this but, in some ways you are like most guys. By that I mean you may be the male model, but the likelyhood of that stuff happening is slim to none. Realising this I submit to you : Some fantasies should stay fantasies. You should never decide you are not open to something until you've tried it. Like I said befor I have not invested in a new B.O.B. I have always said I have a very vivid imagination. It goes in lots of directions. And you wonder why I censor myself. And yes I still do.

So I'll make this easy. You say it's a two way street, well consider my ass sitting at the stop sign. If you are interested in seeing where things could go, then drop by for a beer Saturday night. No show means no go. Simple, to the point...no bs.

A Childs Hurt, A Mother's Agony

Have you ever watched pain
Someone you would give your life for
Held them silently
While their heart bled
And their eyes weeped
Felt the shudders of the sobs
Wrenched from deep inside
Unfathomable depths, a wealth of hurt
Have you ever cursed a person
Had such ugly, evil thoughts
For the person or persons
That made the one you're holding
Feel this way
Wanted to strike out
Make the harshness they feel
Go far away
Have you ever felt useless
Helpless to do nothing
To ease their suffering
Wish to the world
To take it into you
Make deals and promises
Give up valued things
To make their pain stop
Have you ever loved someone so much
That their pain becomes your pain
Their joy your joy
Their anger your anger
Mother's do it everyday

Feelings and Too Many Questions

Changing the locks. Feels something like "a changing of the guard". Bizarre for my house, but a necessary thing to do.

Still a sad, empty feeling settling in my chest. It's an anti climatic sensation. With all I had to drink the other night, I should have been happy as a pig in shit. Hammered more so than I usually get, I vented a little to a friend. Listened to them. Went home got in the house, sat down at the computer and started bawling. Big fat tears running down my face like a dam had burst. I was trying to figure out why I was virtually grieving. Was I mourning the death of a marriage? The death of things that didn't happen and never would? The death of the idea of a person who wasn't?

Was the realisation of things I intentionally chose not to think about, finally coming home to roost? I don't know, yet. The thought that I may have been played bothers me. Not so much as the knowledge that someone deliberately set out to screw me over. I may be naive but I don't understand that kind of thinking. At least for no apparent reason. OK no apparent rational reason.

People choose to be who they are. They choose to do the things they do. Then claim ignorance when a result of their actions end badly. Or worse they blame something or someone else. I guess maybe I just wish high school stayed at high school. I'm tired of being lied to and let down. Sad thing is I'm starting to expect it. And this not taking responsibility for one's self is really starting to piss me off. I really do wonder how some people look themselves in the mirror.

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am one of the last of a dying breed. Because I choose to be honest, honourable and true to my beliefs, I assume others do too. Perhaps it would ease my soul, if I were to lower my expectations of people. Maybe I wouldn't mind when people become assholes or jerks. Who knows, maybe eventually I'll start to understand.

Then again, it probably just one of those things one cannot rationalize no matter how much they want to.

If I told I was broken, would you care?

If I told my life was falling apart, would you help?

If I told you I needed you, would you come?

All these questions are rhetorical.

The fact I needed to ask makes the answer clear.