I think I am coming to understand the nature of addiction. The subtle allure of it. And how it starts.
I'm sitting here, listening to the quiet in my house. My girls are gone this weekend. I'm also watching TV, just hanging out at home. Doing some writing (other than this) and I remember there is a load in the dryer that needs folding.
I move the wrong way and fiery pain shoots high around my left side, above my breast and down my left arm. It's 2:12am, my sleep has been all over the place since I cracked my rib. If I'm lucky I can do 4 hour spurts until I wake up in pain. Time to take another perc. They don't take all the pain away, rather just dull it. Making it more bearable.
I have a sneaky suspicion that I have re-injured myself due to hauling equipment for work. Ordinarily I don't have any problems with this, but with the boss being on vacation and me subbing for him and a co-worker 2 nights in a row, meant hauling all the stuff myself. There and home. Usually the boss helps with the heavier stuff. But I did it!! All by myself and now require pain meds more that I would like.
Pharmacist says I can take up to 6 a day for pain management, Doctor said 2 max. I'm compromising on 3 to 4. The effects wear off too fast, especially for time release long lasting. Now this is only a 5mg dosage, but tonight I noticed something I had chalked up to the double rye and coke I would have at the start of my show. Then taking a pill halfway thru. I seemed to perk up a bit, none of the 1am getting run down feeling.
An hour goes by and I'm not in as much pain so I start folding laundry. Still twinges as I move but tolerable. I'm feeling better. Before I was missing my girls, ruminating on how sick of the bar scene I was getting. The shit-load of stuff I had to do tomorrow....then this beautiful, "up" feeling starts to blossom inside me. A nice pleasant emotion. In no way is it spacey or dozy but like a bit of a pick me up. And "Oh, do I like this!"
So, have I finally discovered the actual addictive side effects of narcotics?? I am on my second Rx for 50 tablets, the first one running out with only 30 tabs. Here's the scary thing. I can probably get another Rx at a higher dosage from my other Dr. for my migraines. Which btw I'm not noticing too much. The tripping over my own 2 feet is there, along with the flashing lights and minor nausea, but no pain.
So I'm thinking I should hope to heal fast, cuz I know how seductive that pick me up will become. Especially on a bad day that I have to work. And I know if I give in it will start taking more than 1 tablet to get that nice happy feeling. That's when you become hooked. And some days I just get soooo tired of being strong.
I'm hoping the effort it took typing this out will penetrate my sub-conscious and mentally smack me upside the head if I catch myself taking the pills for anything other than pain. If not then...."Catch ya on the Flipside!"
