Pain thrums persistantly in the soft part of my temples.
Nausea rolls thru my stomach in waves.
It's OK, OK I tell myself, I haven't eaten...I'm just hungry...
Sharp stab, like a staccato beat knifes thru the right side of my forehead
Gorse rises into the back of my throat, almost chocking me
Still repeating in my head everything is OK, I turn over and stretch
Bad move...feels like ice picks violently poking into my skull
My left leg twitches
Forced like someone is touching it with an exposed wire
A muscle spasm?
Stop worrying, get up and get some food into you
Swing into a sitting postion and the world drops out behind me
Stomach lurches, I wait for this to pass.
Throbbing in the right side of my forehead and my ear
Left leg twitching still...
Fear begins to claw up inside, I try to squelch it with a mental I'll take a hand full of pills, it'll be fine
Just need to eat and take some drugs...no worries
Agony on the right, seeing stars almost and twitching on the left
Fear turns to terror, as eating is makes it worse
Can't make it to work, got to go to work, need the money...
Oh please God don't let me be having....
Ferverent prayers to everyone I can think of
A second one could render me brocolli-like
My heart pounding in horror and frustration...fucking useless I am
Kids shreik with laughter, and run down the hall, things sound 10x's louder than they are
Anger like the pounding surges forth...do they have to be so loud?
I clamp down on that as I know it's just that I feel so poorly I'm getting mad
I grab my head to block the noise and contain the torment with in
Swaying, then stumbling to the left, decision is made
Feeling shame and a disappointment, I call the Boss and ask him to work for me
Thank God he's understanding, he does a better job anyways
Crawl back into my cave like room and try not to dwell on my leg, still jolting
My stomach one big clenched fist, barely allowed the meds down
Making me gag to show it's displeasure
One more prayer...Please God, just let me get to sleep...and if I don't wake up....hope you're ready for me

Stupid Stuff

Why does it seem the better things get
The worse I feel?

Is Hell the absence of love
Or the absence of everything Good?

Why, when things end unhappily,
Do memories still make you smile

If the opportunity to change myself arose
Would I change how I look or who I am

Why, after accomplishing so much
Do I feel like an epic failure

Why, feeling like an epic failure
Have I accomplished so much

Which is worse?
Feeling lonely in a room full of people
Or being alone in general

Is it wiser to drug myself to sleep
Or lie awake willing my brain to shut off

If I knew, unequivocally the world would end, and nothing could stop it
Would I share this burden of information with others
Or let people live out the remainder of time in ignorance

So while you are thinking I need to get a hobby
Wouldn't this count as a hobby

Is getting screwed over worse
Than wanting them after anyways

Is trying to make one person replace another possible
Or just wishful thinking

If I had to choose, based on a set parametres, who lived and who died
Could I, would I

Why is doing the right thing
Always the hardest
And most likely to bring you grief

Which would I choose
A person I disliked but was of value
Or I person I liked but was useless

Why, after you've clawed you way out
Is there someone there to kick you back in

Is it always easier to criticize
Than to compliment

Why is talking about achievements bragging
But talking about failures being humble

Why am I still writing this
Instead of going to bed

Good Night All

Unhitched

Free at last. Free at last. Lord have mercy, I'm free at last. No longer legally bound to he who I spent 12 years with. See ya sucker!!!
12 years. That's a fairly decent chunk of time. More than a decade of my life....gone. Not to say that during that time there weren't some good things.
Two more beautiful girls. A serious lesson in how to think outside the box. Finding out how truly strong I could be. And how completely twisted life can get.
A year ago, I was so angry at how a person turned on me. My perceptions of what I thought he was, and reality collided in a very ugly smack down. While discovering a whole new world that he threatened to ruin for me. Then I started to see he only had that power over me becuz I allowed him to. that epiphany gave me back myself...and then some. The more he tried to anger me, the more I just smirked at him. Ironically making him all the more angry. The best part being that he isn't who he thinks he is in his mind, and people see this.
And now the last tie is severed. I am no longer Mrs. Anything. No longer so and so's wife. I am simply me. I'm good with that....really good. I seriously considered throwing a party, but felt that might lack class. Although one person did point out that if I felt like celebrating, then I should celebrate! People pretty much celebrate everything else. That made me smile.
But after all the con-fuckled-ness of the last year, I'm a little sad too. Not so much that he is gone. More that something that was once beautiful and strong, withered and turned to ash. When a long term relationship ends, it is a death of sorts. It forces me to question things about myself I'd rather not. Was I really that naive and trusting? Was it wrong to have such trust for a man I was legally bound to and had children with? Did I, deep down, think so little of myself that I believed I deserved no better? These and more still nag at me. And cause a whole new set of insecurities.
Dating in this day and age is a scary fuckin' thing. People too free with their bodies, content with a nights pleasure or until they find something better. Not to mention you practically need to request blood work results just to be safe. And that's just if you're single. Add 1 or 2 children and things become more so interesting. I have 3, plus a mother in residence. That's a rather large package deal. All interested parties either know or get told right off the bat. I believe in being honest...and not wasting my time. And I figure if they're still interested then they might be worth getting to know.
I am finding it difficult in knowing that what I want is just as important what someone else wants and what I'm willing to compromise for the sake of the interested party. Too stubborn and the party is no longer interested. Too soft and I start to hate myself, and what I become. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, I've just yet to find it.
I hate feeling suspicious of everything around me. Wondering what the motives are for individual people. I really miss just taking people at face value. Believing that they are genuine. I feel that part of me is broken, and ponder if I will ever be fixed?

To The Bone

I'm tired...bone tired
I cannot describe how utterly exhausted I am
And yet I find it ironic
That after a time of silence - I write again
Only you would provoke the words
In a twisted way, making you my muse
You don't believe me when I say
I have no wish to strike out at you....I don't
Violence is an emotional response
One I can ill afford
To keep what little sense I have
I will bury such feelings deep
So very deep, they will take years to surface
In the meantime, life will go on as it should
It won't work you say??
You underestimate how well I can deceive myself
You'll have to forgive me if I become acerbic
Say things that seem mean or callous...
Familiarity and soft feelings cause nothing but pain
And I choose to protect myself the only way I know how
A simple gesture could be my undoing...if I let it