Letting Go

I've reconnected with an old flame. Someone I've known for almost 18 years. We met again as friends. Evolved into lovers and now see a future together. Things are falling into place effortlessly. It scares me. It is too easy. This will be our third time together. Third time's the charm I keep hearing, but I don't trust my feelings so much anymore.

I fell for someone, really fell. But as he would say "if it's meant to be it will be", followed by a "I just don't see it". At first I thought that if I gave it just a little more time, he would realise he could be wrong. After all I am thick headed and stubborn. And truly believed how I felt was how things were meant for us. Instead of listening with my ears, I only heard what my heart wished to. It is probably a good thing he liked my "Grab Life by the Balls" mentality, otherwise I would wonder how or why he put up with me. Can't count the number of times I said "Can't blame me for trying." I was crushed when he confirmed he was interested in someone else. How I managed to put make up on thru tears and do my show after is a mystery to me. I cried more over him than I have any man in my entire life. But in retrospect he gave me something back that I'd lost somewhere. The ability to show emotion. To feel, really feel things again. For this and LOTS of other things he will always hold a special place in my heart.

We don't see each other so much anymore, and I confess....I do miss the friend he once was to me. The bantering back and forth. But as I embark on new journeys in life, he too is experiencing new and (hopefully) exciting things. I wish him only the best and hope he finds what he's looking for.

As for me, I'm trying to look for the positive things yet to come. And let go of the negative bs from the past. Still scares me how easily life clicks lately, but maybe it doesn't always have to be so hard and complicated. Maybe sometimes, under the right circumstances...life just becomes.

Rantings of One Pissed Of Dame

I just doubled up on my usual dose of "calm down" pills. This town just astounds me. By how fast things get distorted and then get around. You can't be friends with anyone, of the opposite sex without fucking them. I guess the very idea must be too confounding. Although it explains how I've been doing my Boss for the last year and a bit. The guy I was interested in....just a smoke screen. Heads up Dumb Asses, my friend has a girlfriend, for almost 2 years now and the Boss has been happily married for about 8 years. Do I have SLUT written across my forehead?? Perhaps EASY, inquire within. Or is my character so lacking that's just the kind of girl I am.

Now that I had calmed down about earlier bullshit, I managed to do a good thing. One of the singers is going through a divorce. I gave them the Ontario Court Forms website to download the necessary forms to submit to the courthouse, free of charge. The only costs are the court filing fee's Best of all, once you filed the first set it only takes about 6 weeks to have Final Divorce Papers. I guess I really made their night, they kept thanking me profusely. It felt really good to help someone going through something I'd recently done myself.

The other good part of the night was that I was invited to audition for a band looking for a female singer. I was really stoked about that, feeling pretty good about the night then my sister shat all over it.

Did I mention that she came out tonight?? Probably not, I really wish she hadn't. A friend came out to give me a ride home, and her first question was "Are you fucking her?" Meaning me. I haven't seen her in over a month, and she hasn't seen this friend in years and this is what comes out of her mouth. Her behaviour was erratic to say the least. She was very hyper, almost bouncing off the walls. I turned and saw her and the first thing out of her mouth was "You're losing weight....and fast" Now most people would take this as a compliment except the tone that was used was anything but complimentary. For the record I wore a pair of blue jeans and a black V neck top. Form fitting of course, but rather tame in comparison to what I usually wear on a Saturday night.

Now when it was her turn to sing I had to do something I usually don't with her....turn her mic volume down. This was just the beginning of the evening. She started getting on peoples nerves, going on about things such as she is going to be a fashion designer. It was about this point I asked a mutual friend who came with her WTF?? Turns out she decided she didn't need her meds anymore and stopped taking them about 2 weeks ago. The medication she was on is proscribed for bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. All I could think about was the 2 kids that are back at home with her. And my mum telling me that her son was more afraid of what his mother was going to do than being suspended for 2 days. Great, now I have to do the right thing again....and be the bad guy too. That was bothering me, until....

She gets right up in my face wanting to know if I knew all about the company I agree to model for a pin up calender. (By right up in my face I mean less than 4 inches away). I said yes....and she starts going on, screaming in my face about naked photos and did I know WHO my family was and I'd better have no part of it. Well I don't do so well with or else threats. I stepped back and said "Or what?" She started up screeching again. I said I had to work and tried to go around her. She stepped sideways to block me. After the third try, I had to lock my hands behind my back as I was about to physically shove her out of my way. Looking her straight in the eye I said "You need to go." She kept at it, then stopped and said I was right she needed to go, turned and walked away. She stops turns to look at me and says "If I find any naked #*#* pictures, I'll take you out myself." It's not every day I receive death threats, let alone from blood. She stomps out the bar and, as usual, I'm left to explain what That was all about. The bar staff was unsure of what to do, she was my sister. Interesting note, we all felt bad for #17 who had to go home with her. Even he said he should walk. I concurred stating he was gonna get an earful on the way, Good Luck!!

It's about 4am, I am enjoying a big mac at a friends place and my phone rings. It's my mother. My sister actually called her at 3am in the morning to rant and rave about what she thought was going on. I agreed to model for a 50's style Pin Up calender, and possible modelling for car shows etc. My sister has it in her head that I'm going up to Toronto, something will get slipped into my drink and Voila! I'm the next Porn Queen of Canada. The people I will be modelling for were explaining about what I would be doing and so forth. From what I heard afterwards, she kept saying "no she can't do that, no she won't do that" words to this effect. Well I guess someone said something to her cuz that's when she came storming over and started in on me.

I am going through a myriad of emotions right now. Starting with "Who the hell does she think she is acting like that where I work?" Does she realise had anyone else pulled that crap they would have been out the door? She could have cost me my job. No one wants a host that brings that type of person out. Frustrated to the point of tears, to the uninformed it looked like she's yelling in my face and I'm not doing anything other that saying "I'm working here & You need to go" I refuse to get in to an form of conflict inside a bar. I was also having an eerie case of deja vu. Humiliated that she is my sister. That she felt she had every right to treat me that way. And finally ashamed, I could actually see my hands striking out and knocking her down. Knowing she has a shunt running from her brain down through her neck to her stomach. Landing the wrong way could very well kill her. For a moment I didn't care, all I could think about was getting her the Hell out of my way and out of the bar.

Great person I am. I have been relaxing and letting life come to me. Apparently life misses me "Grabbing it by the Balls", so it's lobbing a few my way to see if I'll catch em.

Too Tired to Care

I am not proud of the choices I've been making lately. In fact its hard to look at myself in the mirror when I'm trying to hide from the look in my eye. Makes putting on eyeliner excruciating. But I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel. And on the positive side I did do something that will no longer keep feeding this emotion. How that is going to work out is a mystery. I am one for pushing the line. See just how far I can go without breaking it. In my opinion I snapped the damn thing, then went back and tap danced on it. That's when I knew I'd gone too far.

Someone once said I was the"Grab life by the balls" type. Especially now that my freedom to do what I want had increased. Not entirely sure if that was compliment or not. The same person also pointed out that there were lots of other guys out there. And forgot to mention that 90% were a$$holes.

As Janis Joplin sang "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." She neglected to mention the sick empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. These like to creep up in the wee hours of the morning when you can't sleep. When you have time to really think about things that you've done. And any possible consequences, real or imagined.

I mentioned in one of my other blogs about someone known as an Honourable Mention. That person you meet in life that introduces you to every aspect of emotion from ecstatically happy to down right misery. Like an umbrella effect. They sow you something bout yourself you've been missing. They leave with you a weird after effect. For a person to become an Honourable Mention, they must inspire, thereby creating emotions. Which always does extend to this person. In the dark of night, when sleep eludes you, you remember the times spent together and smile. But in their absence you then wonder why you feel cast aside like a finished project. And they have moved on to a new interesting task. The emptiness increases, almost to the point of pain and you start to to really comprehend the saying "Ignorance is Bliss" Begin to hate the fact that they showed you something about yourself but then didn't stick around to see it through.

You wake in the clarity of morning, and realise that what you're really upset with is the way you felt with them is gone. That you wouldn't trade anything to never have known the person. And if you are able to be honest with yourself, you are kinda glad to have had some time with them. For perhaps the real lesson here is learning how to make your own way, without the dependence on others. And it's OK to be broken every now and then. You just got to remember to put yourself back together.

Sadly, it would have been nice to have been taught what to do when you just get sick of all the fun and games that comes with life. Someone didn't believe me when I said I was gonna sit back and relax. Let life come to me, I guess it would never occur to them that I'm tired of always being the one grabbing life by the balls. I'm sure there are lots of other people more than willing to do it. Probably do a much better job! So I'm quitting life for a while, taking a hiatus. Don't have the energy to keep up the facade anymore. I know who I am, and virtually no one else really does. Maybe one day I will find someone I can be completely open and honest with, that will be able to handle it. Till then it's work and my kids...the rest can.....well fill in the blank.