I am not proud of the choices I've been making lately. In fact its hard to look at myself in the mirror when I'm trying to hide from the look in my eye. Makes putting on eyeliner excruciating. But I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel. And on the positive side I did do something that will no longer keep feeding this emotion. How that is going to work out is a mystery. I am one for pushing the line. See just how far I can go without breaking it. In my opinion I snapped the damn thing, then went back and tap danced on it. That's when I knew I'd gone too far.
Someone once said I was the"Grab life by the balls" type. Especially now that my freedom to do what I want had increased. Not entirely sure if that was compliment or not. The same person also pointed out that there were lots of other guys out there. And forgot to mention that 90% were a$$holes.
As Janis Joplin sang "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." She neglected to mention the sick empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. These like to creep up in the wee hours of the morning when you can't sleep. When you have time to really think about things that you've done. And any possible consequences, real or imagined.
I mentioned in one of my other blogs about someone known as an Honourable Mention. That person you meet in life that introduces you to every aspect of emotion from ecstatically happy to down right misery. Like an umbrella effect. They sow you something bout yourself you've been missing. They leave with you a weird after effect. For a person to become an Honourable Mention, they must inspire, thereby creating emotions. Which always does extend to this person. In the dark of night, when sleep eludes you, you remember the times spent together and smile. But in their absence you then wonder why you feel cast aside like a finished project. And they have moved on to a new interesting task. The emptiness increases, almost to the point of pain and you start to to really comprehend the saying "Ignorance is Bliss" Begin to hate the fact that they showed you something about yourself but then didn't stick around to see it through.
You wake in the clarity of morning, and realise that what you're really upset with is the way you felt with them is gone. That you wouldn't trade anything to never have known the person. And if you are able to be honest with yourself, you are kinda glad to have had some time with them. For perhaps the real lesson here is learning how to make your own way, without the dependence on others. And it's OK to be broken every now and then. You just got to remember to put yourself back together.
Sadly, it would have been nice to have been taught what to do when you just get sick of all the fun and games that comes with life. Someone didn't believe me when I said I was gonna sit back and relax. Let life come to me, I guess it would never occur to them that I'm tired of always being the one grabbing life by the balls. I'm sure there are lots of other people more than willing to do it. Probably do a much better job! So I'm quitting life for a while, taking a hiatus. Don't have the energy to keep up the facade anymore. I know who I am, and virtually no one else really does. Maybe one day I will find someone I can be completely open and honest with, that will be able to handle it. Till then it's work and my kids...the rest can.....well fill in the blank.
