Life is a journey of self aware, self discovery and self defeating experiences. There are times when you are, just along for the ride, leading the pack or shouting "Stop the bus...I wanna get off!" I'm going to share a little of my lessons learned as it pertains to all three.
Guys don't or can't cum when excessively drunk and high. I'm starting with this one because it really bothered me. My first experiences lead me to believe I was the cause of the non finishing. I was seriously starting to doubt my abilities as a woman and really obsessed over what the hell I was doing wrong. Not by and word or deed on the guys part. We females are just like that, and if you don't give us a heads up we automatically assume blame. Thankfully (for my self-esteem) secondary experiences proved otherwise. It really wasn't me. Sad to say I felt more relief than guilty this time round.
Regardless of any similarities, a new guy cannot and will not help you move on from another. If anything it will make things worse. You find yourself mentally comparing the two and one always comes up short. No matter how hard you try, his touch just won't be the same....he won't inspire the same thrilling feelings. On top of which you start to feel guilty on all fronts. One, like you are cheating, even though you are not. Well yourself perhaps? You aren't giving new guy a fair shake. And when it comes down to it you really are wasting time on something that isn't going to work. Which inevitably makes new guy - rebound guy. Ironic how that worked out!
I once told someone that I was used to being alone, I had been for years now. I was trying to illustrate that I don't invite people to do stuff because I'm feeling lonely. There are times I quite enjoy having no one around and get irritated when someone interrupts. I do not need to be out and about all the time. Instead of taking my point, they went in a completely other direction. They said that it was sad I was used to being alone. I had been married up until recently. That was a bit like having cold water thrown in my face. But then it occurred to me this person had no idea what my life was really like. That being the head of a household, single mother, bills to pay, loads of day to day stuff that was required tends to make you crave being left to yourself. That all I really miss being by myself is someone to snuggle and relax with. Being held on a particularly bad day. OK and a person to shovel the driveway and cut the grass too.
Lying to yourself is probably not healthy. Not being able to look yourself in the mirror is worse. I had become very good at lying to myself, and turning away from that which I found too exhausting anything about. It really is true that if you don't care enought to fight over it, you don't care. The truth will always come to smack you in the face. My truth came in the form of my youngest at 4 years old informing her 6 yr old sister that daddy "was at the bar". I always used the same excuses he gave me....going to get gas or heading to the reserve for cigarettes. I knew better, but didn't want the kids to know. Why is something I didn't want to look too closely at.
Learning to recognize this pattern is something I've recently mastered. For the past couple of months I started lying to myself again on another matter. Granted initially it was a way to cope with pain, but I got so good, I managed to convince myself I was A-OK, moving forward in life and all the good stuff that came with it. Realizing a while ago if I want to keep things quiet, on some level I wanted to hide something. When that finally makes my conscious mind is when I have trouble looking in the mirror. That's not right, at least for me. I choose to be open and honest with people. Even when they wish I would shut up. If I feel I can't be honest about something then it's not for me. Something new I am going to live by.
Returning to a high school mentality in "dating" is sad. And I am not bothering with it. OK and I get bored easily, as I am finding out again. LMAO, that hasn't happened to me since.....High School!!! So I am going to sit back, relax and do my own thing. Have a little fun here and there, but enjoy just being me. That ought to cause some trouble....he he he
Honourable mention, in that you will meet people in life that will touch you in ways no one else has. Usually you find that they have showed you something about yourself you needed to learn. Or remember. They make you smile, frustrate you, turn you on, drive you crazy, make you laugh and cry. They stimulate you on all levels. They are the one's that when you are old and can't remember your own name you will recall in 3D High Def Clarity. This is the type of person I want in my life for me. Happy Ever After sounds good but will become boring! So now that I know what I want, accepting anything less would be an insult.
After thought: Maybe guys don't suck monkey balls, I've just been settling for less than I want. Hmmm....Another Lesson Learned!!!
