Free at last. Free at last. Lord have mercy, I'm free at last. No longer legally bound to he who I spent 12 years with. See ya sucker!!!
12 years. That's a fairly decent chunk of time. More than a decade of my life....gone. Not to say that during that time there weren't some good things.
Two more beautiful girls. A serious lesson in how to think outside the box. Finding out how truly strong I could be. And how completely twisted life can get.
A year ago, I was so angry at how a person turned on me. My perceptions of what I thought he was, and reality collided in a very ugly smack down. While discovering a whole new world that he threatened to ruin for me. Then I started to see he only had that power over me becuz I allowed him to. that epiphany gave me back myself...and then some. The more he tried to anger me, the more I just smirked at him. Ironically making him all the more angry. The best part being that he isn't who he thinks he is in his mind, and people see this.
And now the last tie is severed. I am no longer Mrs. Anything. No longer so and so's wife. I am simply me. I'm good with that....really good. I seriously considered throwing a party, but felt that might lack class. Although one person did point out that if I felt like celebrating, then I should celebrate! People pretty much celebrate everything else. That made me smile.
But after all the con-fuckled-ness of the last year, I'm a little sad too. Not so much that he is gone. More that something that was once beautiful and strong, withered and turned to ash. When a long term relationship ends, it is a death of sorts. It forces me to question things about myself I'd rather not. Was I really that naive and trusting? Was it wrong to have such trust for a man I was legally bound to and had children with? Did I, deep down, think so little of myself that I believed I deserved no better? These and more still nag at me. And cause a whole new set of insecurities.
Dating in this day and age is a scary fuckin' thing. People too free with their bodies, content with a nights pleasure or until they find something better. Not to mention you practically need to request blood work results just to be safe. And that's just if you're single. Add 1 or 2 children and things become more so interesting. I have 3, plus a mother in residence. That's a rather large package deal. All interested parties either know or get told right off the bat. I believe in being honest...and not wasting my time. And I figure if they're still interested then they might be worth getting to know.
I am finding it difficult in knowing that what I want is just as important what someone else wants and what I'm willing to compromise for the sake of the interested party. Too stubborn and the party is no longer interested. Too soft and I start to hate myself, and what I become. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, I've just yet to find it.
I hate feeling suspicious of everything around me. Wondering what the motives are for individual people. I really miss just taking people at face value. Believing that they are genuine. I feel that part of me is broken, and ponder if I will ever be fixed?
