Changing the locks. Feels something like "a changing of the guard". Bizarre for my house, but a necessary thing to do.
Still a sad, empty feeling settling in my chest. It's an anti climatic sensation. With all I had to drink the other night, I should have been happy as a pig in shit. Hammered more so than I usually get, I vented a little to a friend. Listened to them. Went home got in the house, sat down at the computer and started bawling. Big fat tears running down my face like a dam had burst. I was trying to figure out why I was virtually grieving. Was I mourning the death of a marriage? The death of things that didn't happen and never would? The death of the idea of a person who wasn't?
Was the realisation of things I intentionally chose not to think about, finally coming home to roost? I don't know, yet. The thought that I may have been played bothers me. Not so much as the knowledge that someone deliberately set out to screw me over. I may be naive but I don't understand that kind of thinking. At least for no apparent reason. OK no apparent rational reason.
People choose to be who they are. They choose to do the things they do. Then claim ignorance when a result of their actions end badly. Or worse they blame something or someone else. I guess maybe I just wish high school stayed at high school. I'm tired of being lied to and let down. Sad thing is I'm starting to expect it. And this not taking responsibility for one's self is really starting to piss me off. I really do wonder how some people look themselves in the mirror.
Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am one of the last of a dying breed. Because I choose to be honest, honourable and true to my beliefs, I assume others do too. Perhaps it would ease my soul, if I were to lower my expectations of people. Maybe I wouldn't mind when people become assholes or jerks. Who knows, maybe eventually I'll start to understand.
Then again, it probably just one of those things one cannot rationalize no matter how much they want to.
