This has thought has been plaguing me.
You are an enigma, shrouded in mystery, wrapped in a puzzle and sealed with duct tape. You wear a "cool as a cucumber" mask. Coming across as infallible. With all the layers of defense you have built for yourself, it is hard to imagine that I might have managed to breech a few of them. But the look on your face Friday night is any indication, I did something. Why does it take me getting mad and mean before I get any clue into what you feel or think?? Getting a bead on you is damn near impossible - yet I keep trying. Why? Brings me to my next point.
I don't want you to pretend or forget anything. In fact I want you to remember!! I've seen your capacity to care. I do believe I've seen glimpse's of it directed at me. You may not have many true friends, but I bet you I could name the ones you'd drop everything to be there for. Your family may not be close but you do love them. I see this in things you do or say. The way you've worried about them.
Here are some of the things I want you to remember.
We would look everywhere else but at each other at Goodfellas
When we did, we'd kinda stare for a moment until one of us looked down or away.
Then we'd both be blushing, more noticeable on me.
Standing so close at Joe's that our hands we almost touching, then I moved my baby finger over yours
Chatting on FB, til I figured out MSN
The first time we kissed
And the second
And the third
You asked me what I was going to sing for you
When I was frustrated, wondering why you were even interested, you said "Maybe I just want to be part of your life"
That I really do think you are gorgeous inside and out
How I love picking on you
And how you love to get me going
You grin when I get within 2 feet of you
How much I love to see you smile
The way I fit in your arms
That you described my skin as "so soft"
That I tell you how good you smell every time I hug you hello
That I am as, if not more so, twisted than you
Why, when we weren't really talking, you wanted to and did buy my daughter a grad gift. (Which she is still reading and loving every minute of it.)
Cuddling on the couch
You rubbing my feet at Nate's
The way you put your forehead on mine and look into my eyes
Your arms around me
It's comedic irony, that I am finally free. Everything is settled, the previous person in my life has more than moved out and on. And here we are. Did you know you were the first person I msg'd when he finally moved. I thought great now we (you and me) can sit down and figure things out for real. Maybe I should have just asked you out to coffee. I did invite you to come out to celebrate with me. I'm done with celebrating. Money's all run out, and some hasn't even started to come in.
My daughter says I have the utmost patience for the littler ones, but none in any other aspect of my life. I expect that she is right. She is much smarter than I'll ever be. Maybe with time I will learn to have more patience.
In the meantime I wish to leave you with this. I was re-reading your blog, the last stanza of the one you left untitled goes "try to dig out substance, only to reach into the endless darkness, finding only nothingness." If you only reach out to the darkness, that is what you will receive in return. I feel compelled to suggest that you try reaching for the light. And by no means am I the light...I'm more varying shades of grey. The actually thought screaming thru my brain was. "Stop looking into the dark, reach for the light"
