Never to come First

Hot tears leak from my eyes
Big and fat, sliding silently down my cheeks
Mixed feelings of anguish and emptiness

Loathing and disgust over take my thoughts
Leaving a rancid taste in my mouth
Like bile vomited up

Self inflected and directed otherwise
Ignorant but not stupid, starting to get a real clue
Feeling every bit the fool I was, am and will be

Trusting the one person, who was supposed to be
My partner, my best friend, my lover, my confidant
Trust broken, trying to sift truth from the lies

Utter despair and disappointment
"Should of's" infecting my waking mind
Worrying I will never be able to make amends

Wasted time - wasted portion of my life
Keeping too many balls in the air to see
Too easily left behind, unnoticed.....unwanted

I let that be my life, regardless of what I wanted
I allowed that to happen not just to me but to my girls
I alone bear the blame and accept responsibility for my choices