Do all guys suck ass?? Or is it just the one's I allow into my life? Probably the latter. There seem to be lots of jerks out there disguised as nice guys. I had one guy lick my elbow tonight. Ewwww! Of course it had to be at working during one of my songs. So, I had to be professional, finish the song and act like it didn't bother me. All I wanted to do was smack his drunk ass down. The really sucky thing was that if those guys hadn't been drinking like they were I would have been shut down. I wonder if that would qualify for hazard pay?? Oh I have met some genuinely decent guys, but they are taken, gay or otherwise unavailable. The ones that aren't don't seem to spark my interest.
The phone was off the hook, more accurately on. And did I know that it was on?? Like I did that on purpose. I have nothing better to do thatn plot ways to make his life more difficult. But it never did occur to him that I'm trying to get him the fuck out of my life. Shit taking too long with the brokers etc, so now he's getting antsy. It has nothing to do with the fact that he dithered getting his stuff together for the lawyer so I had to re-apply for everything, then finagle the trust company into turning a blind eye to the judgement on the house. Nope not his fault at all. But he's sick of me and my mum living there for free. I said pardon?? I pay bills, and I actually buy groceries for my children not whatever the hell that was that he bought from Price Choppers didn't even last the week. Far be it for him to listen to me argue back, waves his hand dismissively and growls "Just hurry up and get it done already" Why the sudden interest in the money?? As someone pointed out, he knows he has money coming to him so he's drinking like a fish. When I first met him he seemed the stable , reliable type. Hell he was my best friends brother. How could I go wrong there?? He just liked his beer. He liked me, loved my kid and didn't have an issue with my headaches. Christ, he was my knight in tarnished armour.
Before him it was my oldest's dad. Being my smartass self I grabbed the phone from a friend who was talking to a guy that we'd heard about but never met, and started talking to him. Then my dad died. I had only been talking to him for about 2 months. Before that I hadn't spoken to him for about 4 years since he told me I was no longer welcome in his home. I was blamed for my mother having info that I didn't give her. Mum knew a lot of people, grapevine actually does work. But no I had to have been telling tales. I was fuckin' 14 yrs old. And I had to deal with that shit. From my own father. But I digress.
After my father died I, looking for stability, jumped into a relationship with a man whose parents came from Hungary. I thought them being European, they would be family orientated. I didn't count on my ex's major interest in porn. At first it was sorta fun and dirty. Then it became a factor in everyday life. It didn't matter that it was making me feel like I wasn't good enough. Especially after having a baby and my body scarred by the pregnancy. I thought that him being older the maturity would be there. I was wrong. And now there was a baby that he couldn't figure out why he had to feed or change. Cuz she's your daughter dumbass!! He still wanted to be a kid and play house. By the time I reliased how very wrong I was in previous assumptions, I was married, and had a child. I tried to stick it out. It didn't last long. With almost tragic results. You know there have been times where I wonder what may have happened if I hadn't walked into the kitchen to find him very calmly taking all of my medication. After we split and live in separate houses, everytime I didn't do what he wanted, he'd threaten to kill himself. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't times I was tempted to tell him to go ahead, put yourself out of my misery.
I must be a world class fucking idiot. For some dumbass reason, I still harbour hope that I'm not done yet. That someone out there will accept/love me for me, warts and all. Preferrably not broken. Even as I type this there is a part of me laughing it ass off, saying it's not likely. I wonder how long I will keep this alive inside me before I conceed that there is always something I do or say wrong, that fucks things up. That this really is it. Forever is a nice fantasy and more suited to fairytales. The sad thing is I'm sort of looking forward to it. Then I won't give a shit, if someone can't handle me. I'll be able to say Fuck em' all and really mean it.
