I feel old. Older than Methuselah. And very worn out and tired.
Tired of peoples self serving, drama generating, crap. Sick of hearing the excuses people tell themselves, and me, about why they act the way they do. Most actions are decided from purely personal choices with little regard to how it may affect others around them. People fail to realise that their life is exactly as they want it. Otherwise they would take steps to do something about what they didn't like.
This isn't anything new, in fact it's starting to get really old. One day you have a civil conversation, and things are good and the next you receive threats, are accused of lying and jerking a person around. The value of your word is belittled. Snide comments made.
Two faceness is a special irritation for me. People who are nice to your face, act like they give a damn about you, when you know they really don't. Only to trash you later, when it suits their purposes.
But I reserve the True Jackass Award for those who are completely clueless, Oblivious that their very own actions have caused the upset they deal with. Clueless to the fact that there is more to life that what is in front of them at the moment. Incapable of realising that anything in life worth something usually means time, effort and hard work. That it calls for something most people fear greatly...change. Change from the comfortable life they have built for themselves. Altering perceptions of how they see things. Most people are very content to piss and moan, blaming others or situations for their lot in life instead of actively doing something about it. Example : GST. Sadly not many have the guts to go after what they truly want out of life.
One of the main deciding points in ending an almost 10 year "perfect" marriage was the offer to then refusal, to seek counselling. The offer was only out there until I accepted it. Getting an unbiased third party opinion would have yielded ugly truths that someone was not willing to hear. It also would have probably required change for both of us. When I agreed to counselling, it became "I think we can figure things out for ourselves" My point?? Enough was enough, this time it wasn't going to be another fight that would end in short lived, broken promises to do better. If I didn't do something then this was my life. There would be nobody to blame for my stress, frustration and misery but myself. Once I identified the true source of my unhappiness, it was shit or get off the pot. I had to take responsibility for my own actions and life. Too often do I hear people complaining, but little action to resolve the problem. Ironically, I may have had the nutz to make the final decision, but the lack of fight put up afterwards, was very telling. Along with the new flame approximately 2 months later.
So after 2 marriages, 1 divorce with another pending, when the finances are there. Where do I go from here?? My heart, in all it's wisdom, decided to go ahead and fall for someone. Regardless of how utterly horrible the timing was, among other issues. As we all know love and logic rarely mix, but my heart is starting to hear what my head has been saying. Surprisingly it's not telling what and ass I've been making out of myself. It's saying the pain I feel will diminish. The desire and yearning will follow suit. Life will go on, even on the days I really don't want it to. Time to focus on other things in my life, like having 3 beautiful girls and school's out for summer. I have a job I love. I meet new people almost every time I go to work. I'm funny, smart, pretty and young enough to still find someone who'll want me...regardless of what's going on in my life. Most importantly, there is time, lot's of it.
I have days where I feel like it's too late. That my life is thus: a single mother with 3 children whose mother lives in the granny suite. On those days the I think happily ever after is nothing more than a crock of shite. Then I have better days where I wonder what it would be like to have a son. Even thought they do grow up I miss having a baby around the house. I like babies. I'm curious if the house with the, not rotting, white picket fence is in my future. If it's still possible there is someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. If there is someone out there just that crazy??
For now, except for work, I'm going to politely fade into the woodwork. I'm sure I'll get enough socializing through work, facebook and msn chatting. Although the last 2 will be minimal as there are 4 of us who'll want the computer. I'm sure people will get a hold of me if they need me for something or come to my shows if they just want to hang. LOL, I've already had a few people follow me from Shooters to Joe's...I might be developing a fan base. Yay me!
