Dear Lord, Mother and Father God, Powers That Be,
Whoever happens to be listening to what I am thinking/praying right now. I went out tonight and had enuff guys hit on me to make me puke. Some single, some not! I'm sure the single guys are probably upstanding citizens, why can't I get HIM off my mind?
I was told by a married man "If I wasn't married I would be all over you." To which I responded, disgusted I might add. "But you are married, and if you really feel that way....DIVORCE, is a good thing." I've been to the puppet show.... I know there are strings, but come on!! Is this whats out there today?? Maybe I should start going to church, but a lot of hypocrite's patronize there too.
Besides Lord, my mind is stuck on someone already. Someone who doesn't use dumb-ass lines. And once thought highly of me. No he's not perfect and has issues of his own. But knowing this I can't get him out of my head.
The sad thing Lord is that I've hurt him, so he gave up on me. I didn't mean too, but I was going thru a tough time in my life. Perhaps it was something he could not understand, never being there himself. Once it was over, he didn't want to be with me anymore. Too much bs directed his way. How can I compete with that??
So I had a little ceremony, trying to let him go. That's when the nightmares began. Awful things Lord, I didn't want to see, but my mind kept showing them to me. One way or another. then I realised, that even when I knew I was dreaming, I still couldn't admit the truth. That which terrifies me and I tried to bury deep down. Is the source of the chaotic dreams. Once I acknowledged the pain, loss and disappointment I felt. Along with how I truly feel. The whirlwind stopped. So here goes, Fluffy, this is for you:
I miss you, more than you'll probably understand. And I was waiting until things were done with my shit, but you were already pulling away. I'm in love with you. This is not something I say easily, nor lightheartedly. I've already told you in a round about way, but since I never see you anymore, I never got the chance to tell you in person. I had hoped for a fresh start, but I bungled that up. I'm sorry I've hurt you, really I am. It kind of comes with the territory of caring for someone.
And no worries, you being you - I don't expect to hear from you for a while....if ever. I just wanted to be able to put it out there. Most of the time I'm grateful for having known you. But being me, there are times I want to slap the shit out of you.
So Lord allow me to sum up by saying that this is purely a selfish way of getting things off my chest. I also am a firm believer in being honest, in fact it usually is my biggest downfall. So I cannot change the free will of others but I will be working on my own. In which I mean I sincerely hope that this causes no more than a slight annoyance, and no real pain on it's own.
I'd say Amen here, but the ironic part is this is a blog and not a church.
P.S It's been nice knowing you ttocs remark
