Sex for the sake of sex, is never something I've been capable of doing. If I want the physical gratification, then I can do that myself without all the hoopla involved in having a partner. It is just as satisfying without having to kick the person out afterwards. Perhaps I am a little bit odd in this, perhaps it has something to do with past wrongness forced upon me or perhaps I just cannot fathom becoming intimate with someone I don't really care about.
Even kissing to me is personal. I mean we've all been kissed by someone that you just rather have not have. Relatives and such. Can you imagine them putting their lips on you in a romantic way, or even sticking their tongue in your mouth?? Ugg, right! That is the very same feeling I get when someone tries to kiss me that I'm not interested in. Even if I am a little, I still have to reach a certain level of "giving a damn" before, I'll consider puckering up. And me making the first move by kissing someone, has happened all of once in my entire life. Still haven't figured out who was shocked more, me or them. So you see kissing is a very personal experience. You are taking a very sensitive part of you body and touching another's with it. You make small sucking motions, inviting them to be partly inside of you. Depending on how things go, you open yourself up, accepting the thrust of their tongue also tasting the newness that is unique to each person. Why would you want to do that with someone you sort of know?? Up tight?? No. Persnickety?? Damn straight!!
Kissing someone is a very good way to express interest in another. It can also communicate depth of caring, just by the differing ways a person can kiss another. The way a persons hands wander. The places the wander too. Do they grasp at you and pull you close. Do they strive to feel every inch of your body, trying to learn what they can. I myself prefer skin to skin contact. It is one way I feel close to the person. Yes this also promotes other wants and desires but I probably already want to know as much as humanly possible as I can about the person.
I am very vocal about what and who I want. If I don't tell you, how else are you going to know?? But only to this person and mostly in private. I'm not into public audiences, I prefer to be in an environment where I and the other feels safe and comfortable. If I'm getting sans clothing then I don't want to worry about who else may come barging in. Nobody has a perfect body, mine is even less perfect than it was years ago, if I trust you enough to expose myself in such a fashion, than it is intended for your eyes only. A serious level of trust and closeness has to be present before this kind of intimacy is possible.
On to the good stuff! If things are going well and we're enjoying each others company to the fullest extent, than this is what's going on for me. I want to touch every inch of you, because different areas tell me different things about you. What you like, what you don't. Knowing this brings me one step closer to learning more about you. When you caress me I tell you in many subtle ways how I feel about you. Maybe in a quick indrawn breath or a small cry. Our minds and mouths can lie, but there is always truth in the body. It is just another way to become closer. Until the ultimate desired result of being part of the other. If there is a way to be joined with another person I haven't found it. With all the grunting and groaning going on it's hard to imagine the very real emotional aspect to things. But it is there regardless of previous intent. In casual encounters it represents that empty, hollow feeling that sets in as you fall asleep. Or the "what the hell did I just do?" feeling you have looking at the other person. I don't want that for myself or the person I'm with. Ugly emotions have no place in act that should be regarded as pure awakening of one to another.
I can count on one had how many different partners I've had. And I can honestly say that I have cared for each and every one of them despite how things have turned out in life. If I hadn't I would have never have slept with them. I have come to realize I an unique in my preferences and in no way condemn those who feel otherwise. It is just what works for me and makes me happy.
