***Warning, this is a purely selfish bit. designed to help me feel better. Maybe understand things I feel I can't say out loud.***
I quit, I just fuckin' quit. Starting to wonder why I even bother in the first place. I mean seriously, I go out of my way to make things as easy as possible and I get shit regardless. I get picked at, little under the breath comments. Especially designed to make me feel like crap. I ignore them and remind myself just a little longer. Just a little longer and I can start my life....again. Hang in there and I won't have to hear whatever lie's been cooked up for whatever reason.
I'm tired, stressed and probably wouldn't get out of bed if it weren't for my girls. I'm too old for this fucking drama. I'm sick of having to prove again and again I am who I say I am. I hate that people would rather believe lies I've supposedly said than having the balls to ask me. I hate being lied to and I detest it when others perpetuate lies about me.
The worst is, no matter what I do, it's not good enuff. I'm not worth the effort, or I am good enuff until something better comes along, convient. I'm tired of friends who aren't friends. I'm tired of an arrogant fuck playing the victim. I don't even know who I can trust anymore, who's playing me or being straight up with me. I hear the words leaving people's mouthes but never see the actions to back them up.
Thru all of this I've begun to reliase what a god damned fool I am. That when it comes down to it, people like the public persona I wear. The smart mouthed, sexy, understanding.."oh no worries" person they see on the stage or just out. People say they want the truth, and don't like it when I give it. Nobody wants to really know how things are. They don't want to know how worried I am for the future. How badly I'm likely to screw up my kids. How stupid I feel when going out on a limb lands me on my ass. How sick I am of being painted the bad guy. How sometime I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and bash the shit out of some people. How I cry myself to sleep more often than not. Wondering if I should just say to hell with it all and invest in some good personal toys. Would it even make a difference?? Maybe I'm too broken, too fucking useless to be good for anyone. Maybe it is true that the only person you can rely on is yourself.
I quit, I'm empty. I don't see the point in trying anymore. It's pretty much gotten me no where fast. People like a show, I'll give them a show. I'll smile, dress and act the way they've come to expect. Shouldn't be too hard, they all thought I had the perfect mariage. Being broke, I'll only be going to work, and helping out from time to time. Real friends will come to my shows, others will remember me from time to time, I'm sure. Probably just think I'm busy doing this and that. Who knows maybe out of sight out of mind. Some probably won't notice at all.
