These next 4 posts are songs I wrote back in the stone age when I was a teenager, lol. Scary how something set to music seems to last in your memory.
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Look out boy I've got your number
And that number's gonna be up
Ooh my anger feels like thunder
They won't know where that lightning struck
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Thought you could get away
It'd be easy as pie
Well now it's my turn to play
There's no blue in that sky
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Anger- flashes in my eyes
Hatred- eating at my insides
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Rant
This post will have no literary or poetic value what so ever. If that's what your are looking for then skip ahead to the next few posts. This is a purely selfish urge to do some unadulterated bitching. While I'm sure there are people who would pay lip service and offer an ear or shoulder, but no one can or really wants to help. So this is my fuckin' blog and and if you don't like what I have to say, don't read!!!!
And the hits they keep on coming. Seriously, how much more am I expected to take before I can just lose it and go koo koo?? I will honestly admit I'm pretty fuckin' close now. You know I can handle shit directed at me. I can learn to deal or accept. I don't have to like it, or want that, but ya know, life can really fuckin' suck. Beating a dead horse is a waste of time and just pisses the horse off. But then again the horse is dead so it doesn't really have much to say, does it??
Now you throw shit at someone I care about, then that's where I draw the line. I am learning that common courtesy is a lost art now days. And nobody's word means shit. Promises empty. I wish that they were soooo empty that they had no power to cause damage. But then that would not be my life would it??
A promise was made, and broken. How do you positively spin being stood up by ones own aunt. Shopping for a dress may seem trivial, but to her it's a major coup. The time arranged came and went. No call, message or communication of any kind. Already feeling like an outsider, and being treated like one by the man she still thinks of as dad. I worry that a little part of her has been broken. Yes, I know kids are resilient, but this is the age when pre-conceived notions are formed. This is the age where the shit that happens to them, leave lasting impressions.
This is the girl who was one vote away from being class Valedictorian. She has and uses more maturity than a good portion of the adults I know, how sad is that. And they treat her like this. My heart bleeds for her, knowing there is nothing I can do to help makes it worse. I worry about what she is going to take away from this. That your own "family" can't be counted on?? The people in her life aren't good for their word. That as a rule in general, people suck, unless there is something in it for themselves. People are selfish and are more or less looking out for number one. I'm sure not all people are like this, but I can only count a hand full I can honestly say I personally know that aren't. I'm going to take her to get her dress, because I understand how important it is to her. It doesn't matter that I don't have the extra money, what matters that she feels that she is worth the effort. Truth be told, she is more than deserving of this and more. On her big day I'm going to send her a dozen roses, dark red (her favourite colour). Every girl should get roses on special day.
Yes it does seem like I am trying to make up for other peoples crap, but I wonder how much this really has to do with me and not her. I hate that she is paying for things I've done or am doing. We care and value others more than we do ourselves, which is why the quickest way to hurt us is to hurt someone we love. I made her a promise that this would never happen again. Never again will I allow someone else the responsibility of doing for mine. I will be the one to do whatever is necessary, regardless of who offers. I expect to be regarded as stubborn and standoffish, but at least I know no one will get hurt and it WILL get done.
Sadly this is just one more example of unnecessary meanness and exclusion I am doing my damnedest to keep her from. People can be cruel, this fact is true, but she is to young to become the cynic I am
And the hits they keep on coming. Seriously, how much more am I expected to take before I can just lose it and go koo koo?? I will honestly admit I'm pretty fuckin' close now. You know I can handle shit directed at me. I can learn to deal or accept. I don't have to like it, or want that, but ya know, life can really fuckin' suck. Beating a dead horse is a waste of time and just pisses the horse off. But then again the horse is dead so it doesn't really have much to say, does it??
Now you throw shit at someone I care about, then that's where I draw the line. I am learning that common courtesy is a lost art now days. And nobody's word means shit. Promises empty. I wish that they were soooo empty that they had no power to cause damage. But then that would not be my life would it??
A promise was made, and broken. How do you positively spin being stood up by ones own aunt. Shopping for a dress may seem trivial, but to her it's a major coup. The time arranged came and went. No call, message or communication of any kind. Already feeling like an outsider, and being treated like one by the man she still thinks of as dad. I worry that a little part of her has been broken. Yes, I know kids are resilient, but this is the age when pre-conceived notions are formed. This is the age where the shit that happens to them, leave lasting impressions.
This is the girl who was one vote away from being class Valedictorian. She has and uses more maturity than a good portion of the adults I know, how sad is that. And they treat her like this. My heart bleeds for her, knowing there is nothing I can do to help makes it worse. I worry about what she is going to take away from this. That your own "family" can't be counted on?? The people in her life aren't good for their word. That as a rule in general, people suck, unless there is something in it for themselves. People are selfish and are more or less looking out for number one. I'm sure not all people are like this, but I can only count a hand full I can honestly say I personally know that aren't. I'm going to take her to get her dress, because I understand how important it is to her. It doesn't matter that I don't have the extra money, what matters that she feels that she is worth the effort. Truth be told, she is more than deserving of this and more. On her big day I'm going to send her a dozen roses, dark red (her favourite colour). Every girl should get roses on special day.
Yes it does seem like I am trying to make up for other peoples crap, but I wonder how much this really has to do with me and not her. I hate that she is paying for things I've done or am doing. We care and value others more than we do ourselves, which is why the quickest way to hurt us is to hurt someone we love. I made her a promise that this would never happen again. Never again will I allow someone else the responsibility of doing for mine. I will be the one to do whatever is necessary, regardless of who offers. I expect to be regarded as stubborn and standoffish, but at least I know no one will get hurt and it WILL get done.
Sadly this is just one more example of unnecessary meanness and exclusion I am doing my damnedest to keep her from. People can be cruel, this fact is true, but she is to young to become the cynic I am
Friday, June 5, 2009
I never, for one moment, thought that either of the poems you wrote had anything to do with me. "Oblivious to the present" is a dead give away. I complimented your pieces and wrote something in response to how they spoke to me. You are reading way too much into it.
I need to understand, I have to learn...if I used either of those phrases on you you tell me that that you are who you are, or it's just a part of you. Guess what it goes both ways. Yes I have a need for definitive answers, I don't have the luxury of living on a whim. But you already knew that. On other things I usually try to explain where I'm coming from. Try to understand the other persons side.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. If you feel dead on the inside, you start to wonder if you're dead on the outside too. I just chose a more direct and violent way of proving I wasn't.
"I never wanted to make you feel this way, and I won't ever make you feel this way again" You cannot change the way I do or do not feel. Anymore than I am responsible for your "losing it" or being angered easily. That is what I meant when I said you can't control... Not the literal definition of control. That is not your way.
What friggin' "ton of responsibilities??" I don't remember inviting you to dinner, or asking you to have or accept any form of responsibility where my family is concerned. Yes, you chatted online with my oldest and yes, you two appear to have similar interests. We even toyed with the idea of an intro. But I made it crystal clear that as far as I was concerned my home life and my social life would stay separate.
I have made more than one attempt to get in touch with you, to try and talk and sort things out. Obviously you are the one who is mad and you are the one who is not talking to me. Since you won't chat with me, tell me why it is you are so angry, you're right it's not much of a relationship. All I asked for was a chance to be with you, have I even been given that? Maybe my sister is right, perhaps I expect too much.
For someone who prefers to have fun and live on a whim, you sure worry a lot about the future. Yeah I joke about babies and marriage but right now I'm about as open to that as I would be severing my own arm.
As to your point of view, I have said on more than one occassion that I have been told that no one is going to want to be with a woman with 3 children at my age. I asked you why the hell you were interested. You said "maybe I just want to be part of your life." Have I considered that your family life and mine differ big time, yes. Even you said you were surprised I hung in so long. The fact that you really aren't close with anyone factored greatly into it. But you still seemed to enjoy spending time or chatting with me.
That's it for me, I disputed what I felt necessary and said whatever else I had to say.
p.s Glad to see you're writing.
I need to understand, I have to learn...if I used either of those phrases on you you tell me that that you are who you are, or it's just a part of you. Guess what it goes both ways. Yes I have a need for definitive answers, I don't have the luxury of living on a whim. But you already knew that. On other things I usually try to explain where I'm coming from. Try to understand the other persons side.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. If you feel dead on the inside, you start to wonder if you're dead on the outside too. I just chose a more direct and violent way of proving I wasn't.
"I never wanted to make you feel this way, and I won't ever make you feel this way again" You cannot change the way I do or do not feel. Anymore than I am responsible for your "losing it" or being angered easily. That is what I meant when I said you can't control... Not the literal definition of control. That is not your way.
What friggin' "ton of responsibilities??" I don't remember inviting you to dinner, or asking you to have or accept any form of responsibility where my family is concerned. Yes, you chatted online with my oldest and yes, you two appear to have similar interests. We even toyed with the idea of an intro. But I made it crystal clear that as far as I was concerned my home life and my social life would stay separate.
I have made more than one attempt to get in touch with you, to try and talk and sort things out. Obviously you are the one who is mad and you are the one who is not talking to me. Since you won't chat with me, tell me why it is you are so angry, you're right it's not much of a relationship. All I asked for was a chance to be with you, have I even been given that? Maybe my sister is right, perhaps I expect too much.
For someone who prefers to have fun and live on a whim, you sure worry a lot about the future. Yeah I joke about babies and marriage but right now I'm about as open to that as I would be severing my own arm.
As to your point of view, I have said on more than one occassion that I have been told that no one is going to want to be with a woman with 3 children at my age. I asked you why the hell you were interested. You said "maybe I just want to be part of your life." Have I considered that your family life and mine differ big time, yes. Even you said you were surprised I hung in so long. The fact that you really aren't close with anyone factored greatly into it. But you still seemed to enjoy spending time or chatting with me.
That's it for me, I disputed what I felt necessary and said whatever else I had to say.
p.s Glad to see you're writing.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
HE
He loses it
Loud words pour
Forth from him
A crumb of anger, confusion, pain - released
He hides
Not able to face
Old wounds and new
Self castigates, goinging deeper inside himself
He writes
Perhaps the darkness
Within him
Will find a voice and be heard
He struggles,
Feeling empty, alone
Shamed
Pushes all who care away
He escapes
Into the high of chemicals
Unawareness
No more anger, confusion, pain
Loud words pour
Forth from him
A crumb of anger, confusion, pain - released
He hides
Not able to face
Old wounds and new
Self castigates, goinging deeper inside himself
He writes
Perhaps the darkness
Within him
Will find a voice and be heard
He struggles,
Feeling empty, alone
Shamed
Pushes all who care away
He escapes
Into the high of chemicals
Unawareness
No more anger, confusion, pain
I Accept!!!
I will take you up on your offer to "smack the ever living shit out of you" Partially because I kinda feel like you owe me. And partially becuz it might actually help me feel better.
Yup, you acted like an ass. Ordinarily I don't observe that behavior in you. Even the bartender said that you were a really good guy and you must have been pretty upset. Congratulations....You're human!!!! Just like the rest of us. So avoiding places and not doing things you enjoy because a handful of people saw you act like a dumbass is ludicrous. It also makes the event a lot bigger of a deal than it was. Kinda smacks of touch cowardly
You know something, you're right. "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it. (Maybe if it's done on bended knees with a little grovelling thrown in for good measure??) But it's a start. At the very least it's good manners, something you pride yourself on having. You don't decide to throw away something that has made you happy because you get drunk and stupid. And yes whether you want to admit it or not I have put a smile on your face more than once. You deal with it then you get over it.
On a side note, you think I'M kinky??? I'm listening to CSI, and people get off on dressing up in animal costumes (mascot style) and yiff (dry hump)in a fur pile until they cum. Even I'M not THAT twisted. Ewwwwwwww.
The hollowness I can't help you with for 2 very good reasons. One you won't let me or anyone for that matter. And two because it's something you either deal with or live with. I know you don't believe me but I know that emptiness to the point where I have virtually destroyed my pinky knuckle punching brick walls just to see if I do feel anything. I still go thru periods of it, but my drugs help to correct that. Probably why I get so emotional when I drink, it says alcohol will intensify the effect right on the bottle, lol.
You have no control over what I feel, so you can't make any claims to what happens in the future. Yeah we got into it, quite nicely I might add, but such is the nature of all relationships. And the first real fight always seems worse than it really is. One thing I might point out is that even while you were yelling at me, I wasn't afraid of you. That's an odd reaction for me, drunk or sober.
So if you tell me that, you no longer like talking with me. My company isn't desirable to you. And you do not enjoy being with me. And you don't like reading my blogs. Then tell me to my face and I will leave you be. To the best of my ability, anyway. I can't change how I feel, and you certainly didn't, so unless told otherwise, you're stuck with me. And the only major grievance I have is your fb status still says you're single!!
So you better drop by tomorrow night cuz I am super nervous about running the Sing 2 Win thing and the fact that Manny is muttering threats about cancelling the gig. I could really use your support.
Yup, you acted like an ass. Ordinarily I don't observe that behavior in you. Even the bartender said that you were a really good guy and you must have been pretty upset. Congratulations....You're human!!!! Just like the rest of us. So avoiding places and not doing things you enjoy because a handful of people saw you act like a dumbass is ludicrous. It also makes the event a lot bigger of a deal than it was. Kinda smacks of touch cowardly
You know something, you're right. "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it. (Maybe if it's done on bended knees with a little grovelling thrown in for good measure??) But it's a start. At the very least it's good manners, something you pride yourself on having. You don't decide to throw away something that has made you happy because you get drunk and stupid. And yes whether you want to admit it or not I have put a smile on your face more than once. You deal with it then you get over it.
On a side note, you think I'M kinky??? I'm listening to CSI, and people get off on dressing up in animal costumes (mascot style) and yiff (dry hump)in a fur pile until they cum. Even I'M not THAT twisted. Ewwwwwwww.
The hollowness I can't help you with for 2 very good reasons. One you won't let me or anyone for that matter. And two because it's something you either deal with or live with. I know you don't believe me but I know that emptiness to the point where I have virtually destroyed my pinky knuckle punching brick walls just to see if I do feel anything. I still go thru periods of it, but my drugs help to correct that. Probably why I get so emotional when I drink, it says alcohol will intensify the effect right on the bottle, lol.
You have no control over what I feel, so you can't make any claims to what happens in the future. Yeah we got into it, quite nicely I might add, but such is the nature of all relationships. And the first real fight always seems worse than it really is. One thing I might point out is that even while you were yelling at me, I wasn't afraid of you. That's an odd reaction for me, drunk or sober.
So if you tell me that, you no longer like talking with me. My company isn't desirable to you. And you do not enjoy being with me. And you don't like reading my blogs. Then tell me to my face and I will leave you be. To the best of my ability, anyway. I can't change how I feel, and you certainly didn't, so unless told otherwise, you're stuck with me. And the only major grievance I have is your fb status still says you're single!!
So you better drop by tomorrow night cuz I am super nervous about running the Sing 2 Win thing and the fact that Manny is muttering threats about cancelling the gig. I could really use your support.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Everything I May Need to Know about Life, I'm Learning from my Hamster
I'm watching the hamster, running in her wheel. Getting no where fast. And I'm struck how that very thought seems to apply my life. Round and round and round the blue wheel turns. Going a mile a minute, yet stuck in the very same place. Stopping every minute or so to catch her breath then she starts up again. I wonder if each time she begins to run, does she think that something different may happen from the last umteenth time she ran. Or does she realise that no matter how fast she runs it never changes.
I glance over and notice that she is running in the opposite direction. Change is good, keeps life fresh and interesting. Then I look again, and she's back to running the her usual way. I guess old habits die hard. We're all creatures of habit. Change sometimes being excruiciating and difficult. And just plain impossible for some.
I'm still watching the hamster and thinking that she might be the wisest one of all. She has everything she needs, food, water, someone to clean her cage. And periods of excitement and exploration when she's in her ball. And she bites you when you get too close to her. Fear causes her to react so, not knowing if the person is going to harm or help her. She doesn't descriminate, she bites everyone.
At the end of the day, she cleans herself and builds up her cozy nest. Curls into a little ball and goes to sleep. She appears to be happy. Gobbles up the odd tidbits of fruit or what not we give her. Seems to enjoy being talked to, will even smell you. But I must confess I am afraid to put my hand too near her. Maybe that makes me a bit of a coward but, biting hurts, more than I thought those sharp little teeth could. And she's already bit me once.
I glance over and notice that she is running in the opposite direction. Change is good, keeps life fresh and interesting. Then I look again, and she's back to running the her usual way. I guess old habits die hard. We're all creatures of habit. Change sometimes being excruiciating and difficult. And just plain impossible for some.
I'm still watching the hamster and thinking that she might be the wisest one of all. She has everything she needs, food, water, someone to clean her cage. And periods of excitement and exploration when she's in her ball. And she bites you when you get too close to her. Fear causes her to react so, not knowing if the person is going to harm or help her. She doesn't descriminate, she bites everyone.
At the end of the day, she cleans herself and builds up her cozy nest. Curls into a little ball and goes to sleep. She appears to be happy. Gobbles up the odd tidbits of fruit or what not we give her. Seems to enjoy being talked to, will even smell you. But I must confess I am afraid to put my hand too near her. Maybe that makes me a bit of a coward but, biting hurts, more than I thought those sharp little teeth could. And she's already bit me once.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Needed Purge
I sit, naked, knee's drawn up to my chest, on the bathtub floor
The water pours down from the shower head, warm and soothing on my neck and back
Forehead resting on the tops of my knee's- hot tears course down my cheeks freely
Mingling with the running water, they too join the excess running down the drain
Frustration, stress, heartache leave me feeling exposed......vulnerable
My mind wanders over various pain, fears, angers unresolved
Purging myself of the ugliness of bile's I carry within
Releasing it the only way I know how, my only comfort - my arms wrapped tightly around me
A part of me sneers at how soft I've become in my years
Reminding me I have only myself to blame for part of the woes escaping me now
These were choices I made, I shouldn't be crying over spilt milk
Just forgot how exhausting being the stronger, better person was
There was a time I would have never gone out on a limb, never put up with crap
Even if I deigned to climb the bloody tree, make an effort, getting knocked down, hard
Would have had me picking my ass up, dusting it off and walking away without a backward glance
Laughing, pitying those who kept attempting to climb back up, kept beating a dead horse
Standing up, wiping away the last of my tears, I come to a resolution
A realisation of the need to blend who I was with who I am
See things for what they are, accept them...even embrace it, then walk til there's a reason not to
But most of all, live life on MY terms, I am the only one who can make me happy or sad
Somewhere a long the way, I forgot that
The water pours down from the shower head, warm and soothing on my neck and back
Forehead resting on the tops of my knee's- hot tears course down my cheeks freely
Mingling with the running water, they too join the excess running down the drain
Frustration, stress, heartache leave me feeling exposed......vulnerable
My mind wanders over various pain, fears, angers unresolved
Purging myself of the ugliness of bile's I carry within
Releasing it the only way I know how, my only comfort - my arms wrapped tightly around me
A part of me sneers at how soft I've become in my years
Reminding me I have only myself to blame for part of the woes escaping me now
These were choices I made, I shouldn't be crying over spilt milk
Just forgot how exhausting being the stronger, better person was
There was a time I would have never gone out on a limb, never put up with crap
Even if I deigned to climb the bloody tree, make an effort, getting knocked down, hard
Would have had me picking my ass up, dusting it off and walking away without a backward glance
Laughing, pitying those who kept attempting to climb back up, kept beating a dead horse
Standing up, wiping away the last of my tears, I come to a resolution
A realisation of the need to blend who I was with who I am
See things for what they are, accept them...even embrace it, then walk til there's a reason not to
But most of all, live life on MY terms, I am the only one who can make me happy or sad
Somewhere a long the way, I forgot that
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